


Where the Skyline Splits

by amczingphil



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Space, Angst, Astronauts, Enemies to Lovers, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pining, Slow Burn, oh yeah, probably slightly factually incorrect but it has to be for the angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-05
Updated: 2018-10-19
Packaged: 2019-02-28 19:41:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 47,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13278522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amczingphil/pseuds/amczingphil
Summary: Becoming an astronaut was all Dan had ever wanted, so hearing that he had made the cut to go on the next mission to the International Space Station was life changing; everything was finally coming together.Or so he had thought, it turns out he's going to be spending 150 days in the company of a guy so annoying that he makes Dan want to launch himself into the vacuum of space.





	1. weeks before launch

**Author's Note:**

> another space AU? You bet!! Hope you enjoy!! <3
> 
> The astronaut selection process isnt 100% accurate bc i needed the hatred to start to form between dan and phil this way xxx
> 
> thank you!
> 
> Thanks for reading! Let me know what you thought here or hmu on tumblr @philscurls <3
> 
> I love you guys, thank you for all the support you've given me <3  
> Stargazing and Take Me By the Hand were both nominated in the 2017 phanfic awards <3

Dan had always dreamed of becoming an astronaut, he had spent his childhood throwing away the race cars that his grandmother had bought him and burying his action men in the backyard – which had raised some eyebrows and gotten him two weeks’ worth of appointments with the school counsellor who had decided that he wasn't insane or displaying psychopathic tendencies – because he just wasn’t interested. He didn't want to play with immature toys, he wanted to build miniature rockets, mix together chemicals that were probably too dangerous for him to own just to see how they would react and read books about the universe so that he could learn as much as possible in the hope that someday he would know enough to actually leave the Earth and explore the universe instead.

It was strange Dan supposed, some people dreamed of exploring the world and yet his own interests couldn’t be further away from that. He couldn’t wait to leave the world behind in the hopes of bigger and better things. He wanted to be so close to the stars that he could believe he’d be able to reach out and touch one. He spent so many nights as a child staring out his bedroom window, at two in the morning while most normal kids were sleeping, staring at the vacuum above his head and dreaming of what he could achieve at some point in the future. 

Dreams were a weird thing because no matter how much motivation Dan had, there was always a tiny niggling voice in the back of his mind reminding him that he needed a contingency plan and that he shouldn’t get his hopes up too high as it was a competitive field and there weren’t enough jobs for the volume of applicants. So no matter what he did to work towards his dream it was always done with the slightest bit of hesitation, even if he didn’t intend for it.

Which meant that the fact that Dan was standing staring at his reflection wearing a shirt with the NASA logo was almost incomprehensible, it wasn't even a cheap knockoff that could be bought in any chain clothing store, it was the real deal. How was he meant to wrap his mind around the fact that he was in, he had done it? Everytime he had thought about getting that acceptance letter in the past, he had also been reminding himself that it wasn’t guaranteed, there was a chance that he wouldn’t get it, he may have to consider other options.

Yet, there he was, he was there with the knowledge that he had done it, that he didn’t need to make other plans just incase he failed anymore. In fact he could delete the alternate plans app from his phone, he could forget the list of ideas that floated about in his mind, they weren't needed any longer. He was  _ in _ , and what was even better was that he was going to be meeting the rest of the successful candidates that day, the team that would help him reach the stars. 

Dan couldn't deny his excitement to meet the team of people that would be with him throughout his first ever mission; the first time that he would be away on the International Space Station, or as he had grown used to calling it the ISS. Dan was excited, yes, but there was the accompanying nerves that came with any new job. He may be a new astronaut but he still had his first day jitters.  

Mostly they were because he would be meeting the people that he would have to spend almost six months living beside in close quarters, or 150 days to be exact. It was a long time to spend with people especially if they weren’t the greatest company, or so Dan thought. Nevertheless, he was feeling strangely optimistic, which probably should have been his first warning sign, he wasn't usually one for social interaction. 

Still, he fixed his shirt and looked at the flimsy badge he had been given with ‘DANIEL HOWELL’ printed in block capitals, it was temporary he was assured when he had been given it. The members of the team would receive their proper photographic ID badges within the week, maybe then it would feel more real to Dan. 

He splashed some water on his face to try to clear his mind, muttering a litany of curses to himself when he also ended up soaking half his shirt, the water was cold and Dan felt the chill of it settle through him before he was overcome more so with the overwhelming feeling of foolishness. All those TV adverts were obviously edited, so why did he think that he would be able to do a smooth water splash like the models usually did?

He was going to be giving a great first impression if he walked into the meeting room with a wet shirt and a red face, but that was just typical. It was only natural that he would manage to make himself look messy on the only day when he needed to make a good first impression. His team were going to think of him as a bumbling fool which was the last thing he needed, especially as they were all going to end up  _ having  _ to trust each other while in space. That wouldn't be possible if they didn't think that he was capable of doing his job effectively. 

Dan tried to use the hand dryer to get rid of some of the water which seemed like a good plan initially but as fate would have it while he was standing under the dryer, his giraffe like body bent at one of the most awkward angles to fit underneath, the door to the restrooms opened and another man entered. He was tall, almost as tall as Dan himself, and he had obviously dyed black hair which was swept to the side in a fringe that looked as though it belonged more on a teenager than the fully grown man who Dan was looking at.

“I know what it looks like, but I’m not drying my crotch.” Dan said breaking the silence with his statement which only served to cause the man’s expressive eyebrows to raise even further and Dan wondered whether they would actually disappear beneath his fringe.

“Right.” The man said giving him a strange look and making Dan bristle defensively.

“I got water on my shirt.” Dan continued to try to explain his awkward situation while internally screaming at himself to just keep his mouth closed because it would be less strange. 

“Huh,” the guy said with a small nod. 

“Right, whatever,” Dan muttered and he ran a hand through his hair as he appraised the damp patches on his shirt.

The dryer had not helped in the slightest, his shirt was still soaked and to add to the shitty situation that he was finding himself in, he was also feeling a tad tetchy at the rudeness of the guy who had walked in.  _ Maybe  _ Dan had overshared a little by announcing that he wasn’t drying his crotch and maybe that had disturbed the guy, but he still could have been a little politer or at least smiled. 

Dan left before he could say something else which would have either resulted in another blunt, borderline rude response or a scathing comment made on his own behalf.

He tried his best to cast the rude guy out of his mind and focus on the day ahead of himself; there was no point in letting himself be upset by the recent encounter as the chances were that he would never see the guy again. At least statistically the chances were slim, the world was huge and soon Dan wouldn’t even be on it. Even if the guy worked in the same place and wasn't just on some tour or visiting from another centre, there was very little chance that Dan would come across him as there were more departments in the place than he could name. Dan would most likely be lucky and never even cross paths with the guy again.

The universe was against him. It was official, he’d had a sneaking suspicion about it since he was a teenager but his family had told him to stop being melodramatic. Now he knew he was right all along, the universe had a personal vendetta against Dan and he knew it because when Dan walked into the room that was designated for his meeting that morning he saw the guy with the stupid, swoopy emo fringe. 

It was because Dan had taken the whole ‘walking under ladders is bad luck’ thing as a personal challenge when he was eight years old, wasn’t it? The universe was finally punishing him for his blatant mocking of the concept of luck, his grandmother had warned him that he would be bitten in the ass - maybe in less vulgar terms - by his cockiness and now he was realising that she was completely right. 

Dan hastily looked away before stupid floppy hair noticed him and instead chose to walk towards the oldest looking person in the room. The man who Dan approached wasn’t  _ old _ exactly, but he was the oldest as evidenced by the way his brown hair was subtly flecked with grey and the lines around his eyes and mouth hinted at years of laughter.

“Picked the old man because I look safe?” The man asked and Dan noted his thick German accent that was unmarred by the typical American accent and colloquialisms that Dan was still struggling to get used to despite living in America for over a year.

“You-” Dan floundered for a moment looking for the right words as to not offend another person on the team, he didn't was everyone to be against him before they even took off, “you’re,  uh, you’re  not old.”

Dan mentally rolled his eyes at his own stammered response. Fortunately for him, the guy burst out into laughter rather than taking offence, a full blown, head thrown back laugh that filled the room and made Dan want to cover his mouth to shut him up. He was going to attract the attention of everyone in the room including that certain someone that Dan didn't want to ever speak to again, thankfully though the laughter ceased. 

“Right, right, of course I’m not, but in this line of work I’m practically a fossil. Did you know that every astronaut in the past has been aged between twenty six and forty six? That means that if I complete this mission then I’ll be celebrating my forty seventh birthday in space and it’ll make me the oldest human to ever fly in space.” The man said and Dan was surprised to note that despite the thick accent, he spoke perfect English.

“If?” Dan asked. 

“You can never be too cocky, space is a fickle place and when you get over confident things begin to go wrong.” The man said. “The name is Peter by the way. I decided not to go for the name badge, names have power you know and best way to fight that is to choose who you tell.”

Peter seemed to be slightly off his rocker but in a way that reminded Dan of a nutty uncle who made nothing but jokes to cheer up people around him, because they were smart and knew that it was the best way to calm someone down and make them feel at ease. Dan was warming to Peter, he liked his strange sense of humour and relaxed attitude despite the fact that he talked in a hushed whisper like the world was about to end at any moment. It was strangely refreshing after all the pompous idiots Dan had come across throughout his interviews and the selection process. 

“Have you been in America long?” Dan asked.

Almost fifteen years,” Peter said, “I know that my age will get the better of me soon and that I will be encouraged to move to a desk job because I will not be able to handle the physical effects of space, so here I am,” he said and despite the weight of his words, they were accompanied by a friendly smile and an easiness as though he and Dan had been discussing the weather and not Peter’s doomed career as an astronaut.

“Did you leave anyone back home?” Dan asked curiously, he hoped that he wasn’t overstepping his boundaries but he was interested and Peter was friendly enough for Dan to feel as though he should stick to him like glue.

“My wife came here with me but my two children, although I doubt they could be called children now as they’re probably nearly your age, had made their lives back in Germany. It’s a hard thing for anyone to do, but surely you understand that yourself. Did you leave a special someone back home? I can tell you’re not from here.” Peter said, picking up on Dan’s blatantly british accent.

“Me? No, I didn’t leave anyone special behind, it was an easy move.” Dan lied. It was true that he hadn’t left anyone behind but the move had been far from easy, he was still struggling to fit in in America and he had felt homesick more often than not. 

Dan talked with Peter for a while longer, feeling safer in his company. The man had lived a fascinating life and Dan was sure that he would have enough stories to last the one hundred and fifty days on the ISS so if he didn’t find anyone else to talk to, he would just nag Peter for more tales of his previous expeditions.

“Right then, that’s enough about me, you don’t need to listen to a nostalgic man’s stories we should move onto the stuff you need to know about. Your colleagues.” Peter said.

“You’ve met them?” Dan asked, he hadn't thought Peter had been in the room long. 

“Of course, I researched them before we met and they were there throughout the entire selection process, did you not?” Peter asked, looking at Dan curiously.

“No, I was waiting until today,” Dan said, “what’s the point in making friends if one of you might not be selected?”

“This is your first expedition,” it wasn’t a question but Dan nodded in confirmation anyway, “interesting, you wouldn't have displayed the important ‘team player’ trait which is almost vital to get chosen so you must have something special about you to get in.”

The way Peter stared at him, as though he could read Dan’s mind or see his soul, was uncomfortable but Dan kept his mouth shut and just shifted on the spot as he waited for Peter to move onto his team analysis.

“Nevermind that, I’ll tell you the basics, firstly we have Charles Richardson, from what I’ve gathered he likes to be known as Charlie only, and if you call him Charles then there’s an eighty percent likelihood that his fist will become acquainted with your nose. He’s a nice guy, grew up on a farm and knows the meaning of hard work, I like him but he can get a bit headstrong sometimes.”

“Headstrong?” Dan asked.

“He likes to be right, we were only in here for twenty minutes before you showed up and he had nearly bitten off someone’s head. It’s his first expedition too and he’s determined to prove that he knows what he’s doing, regardless of who he insults or offends along the way. I think he’s hoping that if he can prove himself of this mission then he’ll be put in charge on the next one. ” Peter informed him  quietly as to not attract the attention of the blonde guy who was shorter than anyone else in the room.

Dan thought that it would be amusing to see someone so little get riled up and part of him was tempted to try and annoy Charlie, but then he remembered that the smaller scorpions always sting the worst, so he bit his tongue and waited for Peter to continue.

“There we have Rosa Romano, she probably looks familiar,” Dan looked over to the person Peter nodded towards, he tilted his head slightly like a puppy, she did look familiar but he couldn't quite place why, “she’s well known in our world. She’s insanely smart and she’s written more papers and articles than you’ll ever have a chance to read, on top of all that she’s even popular. She’s loved by astronauts and the public because she’s just so damn charismatic, but don’t bother thinking with your dick, she’ll shoot you down faster than that pretty girl at your high school dance.”

Dan probably would have taken offence at the things Peter said if it wasn’t for the fact that he said them with such a genuine smile that it was impossible to take them as anything other than the playful banter that Dan hoped they were intended as.

“Then we have Alex, it’s difficult to get a read on Alex because they’re very closed off and won’t volunteer any personal information of their free will so you’ll be hard pushed to find a way to wheedle it out of them. They do have a heart of gold though, and they’re always there for people when they need them. They always end up as somewhat of a therapist to the other team members while up in the space station, or so I’ve heard.”

Dan paused to look at Alex, they seemed to give off that impression; that they would be a good listener. Dan was still curious as to how willing people would be to spill their guts to a stranger though, especially when that stranger wasn't even asking for anything in return.

“Finally we have Philip Lester, or Phil. He’s just a genuinely nice guy. This is his second expedition but according to rumours he exceeded expectations and did remarkably well on his first mission.”

Dan was inclined to disagree wholeheartedly, his eyes narrowed as they landed on the guy from the bathroom. How had he managed to convince anybody that he was a decent guy? He was a complete arse.

“Honestly, I can barely find a way to fault him, other than the fact that his haircut would be better suited to an overly emotional fourteen year old, he just seems like a nice person. He’s calm and collected under pressure and he just knows his shit, you know? I’d say we’re lucky to have him on our team,” Peter said and Dan fought the urge to snort at that, he wouldn't have chosen lucky as a way to describe being stuck with  _ Phil.  _ Even his name sounded annoying. 

“Thanks, that’s quite helpful,” Dan said hoping that he sounded earnest when in reality he wasn’t sure of how accurate the information could be if Peter thought that Phil was a decent bloke. He was a dick, there was no way to deny or soften that fact. He was a rude asshole and Dan wanted to know what he was doing to convince people otherwise.

Dan stuck to Peter’s side for as long as he could deem socially acceptable before making his excuses and heading over to the door to leave for a few moments to take a breather. He shouldn't have needed a break seen as he had yet to take the initiative to actually talk to someone other than Peter, but he could feel his hands begin to tremble and his breathing tighten. There was too many people in the room, people who may have spoken to Phil already and were silently judging him. 

It wasn't just the fear that people were judging him, it was also difficult for Dan to be in a room full of such amazing people as it brought out his insecurities. He was one of the youngest in the room and there was so many intelligent and accomplished people around him that it made him feel as though he didn’t belong there. They had more experience and skill, they  _ knew  _ what they were doing. It was a difficult thought to stomach, but it was true to him as he knew that there would have been so many other experienced astronauts who could have been in his place instead, so in a sense he understood where Charlie was coming from with his need to prove to everyone and to himself that he was one of  the best.

Then there was Phil. Phil who had been the first person on the team that he had met and even though it hadn’t been a proper meeting and neither of them had realised at the time. Dan had found himself regretting it had ever happened, why had he opened his mouth and made such a weird comment, he could have just pretended everything was fine. Maybe then Phil would have been nicer to him. No, he wouldn't want that, at least he knew of Phil’s  _ real  _ personality and wouldn't be fooled by the ‘nice guy’ front that was obviously put up for others. 

“Everything alright?” A vaguely familiar voice asked from beside Dan. 

Speak of devil and the devil shall appear, Dan thought to himself; it was Phil.

Dan felt his entire body tense up automatically as though he was waiting for the verbal backlash to spill out of Phil’s mouth, but surprisingly it never came. 

“I saw you ducking out and I just wanted to see if there was something wrong?” Phil asked quietly and Dan was surprised that there was not a single trace of hostility or rudeness anywhere in the question. Was it even the same person as he had met in the restrooms? No, there couldn't be two people with a stupid emo fringe.

“What do you care?” Dan asked defensively wondering if maybe Phil was just trying to figure out his weaknesses.

“I just know how daunting these things can be sometimes; it’s your first mission which is terrifying in itself before you add in the fact that  you’re only just meeting the team for the first time which adds to all the pressure. Just the thought that these people will be the ones that you’ll be stuck with for six months can be enough to drive you crazy before you even leave.”

Dan paused for a moment and he decided that he didn’t like Phil. How could he come across so differently from the person that Dan had met earlier in the restroom? It didn’t make any sense and Dan didn’t trust him in the slightest, someone who could seemingly change their personality at will was not a person he wanted to know.

“I don’t know, I think I’ve managed to suss everyone out pretty well so far,” Dan said as he glanced at Phil and looked away. 

“I know you’re probably just trying to act brave so that you get the team’s respect but you don’t need to do that you know?” Phil said gently as though Dan actually cared what he was saying, “anyway, you’ve probably got a lot on your mind right now, so I’ll leave you be, just know that I’m here if you want to talk about anything.”

“Thanks, but no thanks,” Dan said coldly, “I’ll deal with things just fine on my own.” 

He had to force himself not to react to the flash of confused hurt that passed over Phil’s face as though he genuinely didn’t understand why Dan was reacting the way that he was. It was all just an act, Dan reminded himself, it was nothing more than an act. He couldn't trust Phil. 

 


	2. days before launch

After that initial meeting there were further meetings that seemed to be filled with more information than anyone could remember and Dan was growing exhausted of them all. He wanted to see the stars, he wanted to explore the universe, he didn’t want to linger on Earth awaiting the moment when he could finally be launched into nothingness. 

There was so much that went into actually leaving the Earth that Dan had never expected when he was that little boy flying around his backyard in a cardboard rocket. Everything had been easier when he believed that jumping off the ground meant that he was flying for a moment. When he was older and researching the actual job, he had learned all about it and he had even done it for years before being accepted as part of the current expedition, but it was different now. 

Now that Dan knew he was actually about to go into space he was beginning to feel increasingly more impatient because his biggest dreams were almost in reach but he just wasn’t quite there yet, it was like his fingers were skimming over them but he just wasn't quite close enough to grip onto them. There was nothing more than a few nights worth of sleep between having his feet on solid ground and having them float up in zero gravity. Dan had been spending some nights wide awake with one of his hands placed on his chest because his heart was racing so fast that he was almost afraid that it would beat straight out of his chest and into the world. 

There was only one thing that was worrying Dan and that thing was the stupid guy on his team; Phil. Phil with his childish hair and bizarre smile and trickster eyes that one of Dan’s teammates had mentioned were gorgeous but Dan thought were suspicious because how could someone’s eyes just change colour like that? One moment they were blue, then they looked green and sometimes they had a bit of yellow in them. Obviously he was wearing contacts to purposefully change his eye colour which was just too shady. Dan knew that he sounded like a crazy person desperately looking for thin conspiracy theories to cling to in order to discredit Phil, but it wasn't just the fact that Phil wasn't somebody to be trusted, it was also that the guy was unnecessarily rude, so why was everyone else constantly singing his praises and talking about how sweet he was?

Dan just didn’t understand all the unwavering love everyone had for Phil but he wasn’t too worried about it as there would be six of them in total on the space station, so it wasn’t like he would have to spend a ton of one on one time with Phil. He would be able to get by with speaking the bare minimum to him. 

Or so he had thought.

They were seated in one of the large halls within the building that was typically used for presentations and lectures for visiting students. There was no need for them to be in such a large room, it was just overkill, especially seen as they were all grouped together at the front so that they could all hear each other speak. 

“Right I’m going to make this very quick because I know that you’re all tired,” Peter began, “as you all know now I have been assigned to be the commander of this mission that we are all about to embark on, and as you also know, this is going to be my final mission.  _ My final mission,  _ which means that I want you all to follow orders to the letter, I want you all to cooperate with me and with each other; I do not care for squabbles and therefore there will be none. You will all act like professionals throughout this expedition.”

There were a few murmurs of agreement to Peter’s little speech from the people surrounding Dan who was wondering how he was going to be able to pretend to like the douchiest guy on the team. He just hoped that he would be lucky and he would be paired with other people, maybe even Rosa; she had a brilliant mind and Dan was itching to learn from her. 

“Now, as you also already know - or at least I hope you know this otherwise we are all completely screwed - we will be travelling to the International Space Station in a Soyuz.” Peter said. 

Dan was aware of that fact but it didn't settle the nerves in his stomach as he remembered the two failed Soyuz launches that had happened in history, granted the first failed launch was also the first manned Soyuz launch and therefore they didn't know as much then as they did now but it still left that sliver of unease in his stomach. 

The rocket and the man inside it had been doomed from the moment it had launched. There were too many technical issues during the flight and the parachute failed causing the descent module to hit the ground without being slowed, killing the man inside - Vladimir Komarov. Dan knew his name because he had learned all about various failed missions throughout his training. He had learned about the mission that had taken the man’s life, but he wondered how many people knew nothing about him. 

How many people had no idea about the man who had died in the attempt to further space travel? How many people would think about Dan if his mission went awry? It was a harrowing thought and it was a testimony to how much astronauts loved their job; to risk their lives in the hopes that they would fly to the stars? It was either dedication or stupidity, but that wasn't going to stop Dan. He wanted to go to space, he wanted to spend time on the ISS, he wanted to look down on the Earth and forget that it was a mess of war and pain, he could pretend that it was just a peaceful planet. 

“We will have two Soyuz rockets launching - two teams of three - the supply launch happened last week so everything that we need is already waiting for us at the Space Station,” Peter explained, “I have decided the teams and I do not wish to hear any arguments against my choices.”

That didn't sound promising, Dan could have sworn that Peter had glanced towards him and winked but the movement was so fast, so fleeting, that he couldn't be sure. 

“The first team will be myself, Phil and Dan,” Peter said, making Dan wish that he could jump out of his seat and argue to switch teams, but that wouldn't go down well, especially as Peter had already said that he didn't wish to hear any arguments, “which means that the second team will be Rosa, Charlie and Alex.”

“Yes,” Dan heard Charlie hiss under his breath and the man looked thrilled, it was as though Christmas had come early for him. He, of course, caught Dan’s stare and hastily whispered, “what? It’s Rosa Romano! She’s legendary and I’m going to spend an entire flight with her.”

Dan had to refrain from rolling his eyes at the desperation. He knew that the job was competitive and that people would do anything to get a foot in the door, but the fact that Charlie was getting so excited about a flight was ridiculous, especially as he would be spending 150 days on the ISS with plenty of time to talk to Rosa.

Dan honestly couldn't care less about the fact that Charlie would be picking the brains of arguably one of the most intelligent astronauts alive, he was too busy trying to figure out a way to survive his own journey and it wasn't just surviving the flight itself that he was worried about. 

Thankfully, space travel had come a long way in the past few years. At one time it would have taken about two days for them to reach the ISS but now it would taken them less than six hours. Six hours of flight and he would be on the space station, it was a terrifyingly amazing thought. Dan could survive that short time in Phil’s presence, it would be shorter than his flight from London to America was, and in the end he would be in  _ space _ so he could put up with being in close proximity with the dick of the team. He would just think about the end goal - the space station. 

“Now, we all know that there are various experiments that we are going to be completing or setting up during our time on the ISS,” Peter said, drawing everyone’s attention back to himself, “we will ensure that this is done with the utmost efficiency, I will not have any experiments left unfinished unless they were meant to be.”

“What if the experiment doesn’t work how we’d want it to?” Charlie asked. 

“It is still finished, is it not?” Peter asked in reply, “just because you don’t get the answer that you want does not mean that the experiment did not finish, it just means that you learned something different to what you set out to learn.”

“I guess,” Charlie muttered, “it just seems a bit like giving in to failure.”

“Experiments fail,” Peter said, “if you can’t accept that fact then say now so your spot on the mission can go to someone who deserves it. You seem to have a very different perception of failure than I do.”

“No, no, no,” Charlie said backtracking quickly, “that’s not what I meant at all.”

“Good, we can move on then,” Peter said, “Dan, you have a very challenging trip ahead of yourself,  did you read your experiment briefing?”

“Yeah,” Dan said, swallowing nervously as he thought about the thick file that he had read just a few nights ago, he had skimmed through it briefly before becoming overwhelmed and deciding to pretend that it didn't exist until it was time to leave for Kazakhstan. 

“Dan’s experiment features materials that can become very dangerous to us if they are given the chance to be, which means this experiment must be kept under complete control. It also requires the complete absence of oxygen which means that Dan will be performing his experiment while we are on an EVA. If anything goes wrong it could have dire consequences,” Peter explained, “now I want to get you all back to your families so we  _ will  _ have each other’s backs up there. Got it?”

There were a few murmurs of agreement from the people seated in the room. 

“Now I know the last few weeks have not been easy,” Peter said. That was pretty much the definition of an understatement in Dan’s opinion, the weeks had been filled with intense training activities and meetings all designed to prepare them for space travel, one long and tiring day would pour into the next and they were all exhausted, “so we will finish up early today so that you can all get some rest before we fly to Kazakhstan tomorrow.”

Kazakhstan was the location of their launch and it was the place that they would return to when descending from the space station, the Kazakh Steppe to be precise, an area that was home to the Baikonur Cosmodrome which was the oldest launch station. Just the thought of flying there the following day was filling Dan’s stomach with butterflies and he felt almost like they were flapping their wings so violently that they would lift him off his chair. 

They would all be beginning their journey soon, before he knew it Dan would be in space, looking down everything he had ever known and loved with no absolute guarantee that he  would ever return. The thought was intimidating, but it wasn't enough to stop Dan from taking the risk. He didn't wouldn't deserve to be on the team if a thought like that could stop him. 

“Dismissed.”

Chairs screeched against the linoleum floors as the all clambered to their feet and gathered their files together. 

“Dan, can I speak with you?” a voice asked and Dan hated that he recognised the person who had spoken from the Northern twang. 

“What do you want?” Dan asked wishing that he could be anywhere other than where he was in that moment. 

“Did I do something wrong?” Phil asked and Dan’s eyes narrowed at the obviously fake look of confusion. 

“Wow, what makes you think that?” Dan asked, trying to inject as much sarcasm into the question as he could muster up. 

“Look, I’m just trying to put things right before launch,” Phil said, dropping the friendly smile, “you heard Peter, we need to work as a team. I may not understand why you're treating me like I killed your dog, but we need to sort this out.”

“There’s nothing to be fixed.” Dan insisted. 

“Look, I get that we didn't click as friends straight away but you don't have to act this way because of that,” Phil sighed. 

“You think I don't like you because we weren't besties in two seconds?” Dan asked unable to keep the incredulousness off his face. 

“I don't know,” Phil said with a frustrated sigh, “you have a very hasty personality, you know? You're so quick to hate.”

“I don't hate anyone unless they give me a reason to,” Dan corrected. 

“Which I apparently did?” Phil asked.

“The fact that you don't even remember makes it so much worse.” Dan said. 

“Look, Dan, just tell me what I’ve done to annoy you,” Phil said sounding almost as frustrated as Dan felt.

“No.” Dan said stubbornly, Phil didn't deserve to just have things handed to him, if he really was apologetic then he would remember what he had done wrong.

“Fine, go ahead and act like an immature teenager,” Phil said, his frustration leaking out, “act as stupid as you want but don’t ruin this mission for the rest of us because of a petty grudge over nothing. You need to grow up Dan, you’ve been offered an amazing opportunity and all you're doing is proving that you’re too young for it.”

“There he is ladies and gentlemen,” Dan said clapping sarcastically, “the Phil Lester we all know and love.”

“I just wanted to make things right between us but that’s impossible because you’re actually an arse,” Phil stated. 

“Takes one to know one,” Dan replied, brushing passed Phil to leave and go home, and maybe his shoulder hit Phil’s a little too hard in the passing, “you should go to bed old man, you’ll be needing your rest before tomorrow.”

If Phil could make a dig at Dan’s age then surely he was allowed to do the same in return, right? Dan saw right through Phil, how quickly that polite mask had fallen and revealed the real person underneath. He wasn't an idiot, he knew that Phil remembered that moment in the bathroom. He knew that Phil was an asshole. He knew that it was only a matter of time until the rest of the team realised it too. 

It would be impossible for Phil to keep his personality a secret for the entire 150 days in close quarters with the entire team. People always got into little arguments when they had to spend so much time together, they all knew that and had been prepared for it, so it was bound to happen at some point during the mission and then Phil wouldn't be able to contain his inner jackass, the nice guy mask would shatter into pieces, and he would be exposed. 

Dan just had to figure out a way of getting that mask to crack. Once the mask was damaged, getting rid of it entirely would be easy. He just had to do some thinking. 

Dan faltered, was he really going to be that person? The one who was determined to expose one of his teammates and possibly ruin his career in some way? No, it wouldn't go that far. He just wanted the people who thought that the sun shone out of Phil’s arse to realise that he wasn't that great in reality. That was nothing to do with the job. Or at least that’s what Dan was telling himself. 

“You don’t trust people easily,” someone stated from beside Dan. 

“Huh? What? Oh hi Alex,” Dan said upon seeing them walking almost silently beside himself, he must have been too lost in his own mind to realise that Alex had decided to tail him. 

“You have trust issues,” Alex repeated. 

“Who doesn’t these days?” Dan asked acerbically. 

“That’s interesting,” they said, “you’re not even trying to deny it.”

“Why would I? You’ve made up your decision, there’s no point in trying to change it,” Dan said. 

“Also interesting, you're projecting,” Alex said. 

“I’m not projecting,”

“Denial!” Alex exclaimed. 

“Was there something you wanted?” Dan asked. 

“Actually, yeah there was, I heard you arguing with Phil,” they said, “I just wanted to say that maybe you should give the guy a chance.”

“I did, he ruined it,” Dan said.

“Did you give him a proper chance though?” Alex asked, “because from where I’m standing, it seems like you might have reacted a little harshly.”

“I acted exactly as the situation required,” Dan stubbornly. 

“Oh, this is going to be an interesting mission,” Alex stated, “I can't wait to see how this one plays out.”

“What’s that meant to mean?” Dan wondered. 

“Oh nothing, I have to go now, but I’ll see you tomorrow for the flight,” they said before doing a one eighty and walking back in the direction that they had just come from.

“Wait! What do you mean?” Dan shouted after them, but it was pointless as they didn't bother to turn and reply. 

What was it about Phil that made people seem to love him straight away and how come Dan was immune to it? It was all very confusing and Dan wasn't going to sit back and allow it to go on. He was going to prove that Phil was up to something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed it!! come chat with me on tumblr @[philscurls ](http://philscurls.tumblr.com/)<333 
> 
> I also thought I would try something new where I recommend one of my fave fics at the end of each chapter so heres the first one: 
> 
> [Come Closer ](http://archiveofourown.org/works/12405444)by [phloridas](http://phloridas.tumblr.com/)  
> summary: It's the 19th of October, 2009. This is Phil's story.


	3. launch day

It was a miracle that Dan was standing where he was, taking in the magnificence of the Baikonur Cosmodrome as the sun rose casting light between the scattered buildings and illuminating the launch pad that they would be using in a matter of hours to leave Earth. 

The reason that it was a miracle was because Dan had come  _ so  _ close to committing murder on the flight to Kazakhstan, he had very nearly throttled Phil to death; what sort of human giraffe didn't have the common sense to make sure that they got a seat with extra legroom? Dan had managed to do it without any problems, so why couldn't Phil who was roughly the same height have done the same? Ironically, it wasn't rocket science.

Dan was completely convinced that he had the imprint of Phil’s knees in his back from the constant pressing into the back of Dan’s chair. Heck, even Charlie - the shortest person on the entire team - had managed to bag one of the seats with extra legroom.  It was ridiculous and Dan was ninety-eight percent sure that Phil had purposefully sat there just to ruin his life. It was a ridiculous thought and it made Dan wonder whether he was steadily losing all sanity but he couldn't shake the feeling that Phil Lester had been born specifically to make things as difficult as possible for Dan. 

Maybe it was a reach to assume that Phil was out to get him, maybe it did make Dan sound completely crazy, as in tinfoil hat crazy, but there was still an inkling of a chance that Phil really was a conniving bastard so Dan couldn't risk letting his defences down. He would go with his instinct, even if it did come across as completely insane. 

“-and then the rocket exploded into flames and the astronauts spent years floating around in space until eventually they just died from a lack of will to live,” Charlie said animatedly from somewhere behind Dan and he could almost imagine him waving his arms around dramatically as though he was miming the explosion.

“That’s ridiculous,” Dan heard Alex reply, with all the anger of a person who was blatantly faced with incorrect facts but wasn't being taken on,  “if the rocket exploded then the astronauts would have died in the explosion.”

“No way, they had special suits,” Charlie insisted, “like really special, these suits were the shit.”

“Special suits that would have kept them alive forever?” Alex asked and it would have taken an idiot not to hear the scepticism in his voice.

“No, weren’t you listening? They died,” Charlie said and Dan could practically picture him rolling his eyes. 

“Yeah,” Alex conceded, “but you said that they died because they gave up on life, not because their resources ran out. I’m sorry but there is no way  _ any  _ suit could keep a stranded astronaut alive for years, back me up on this one Rosa?”

“I’m staying out of this childish argument,” Rosa said, “but Alex is right.”

“Ha!”

“No, no, no, Dan come on,” Charlie tried, “you have to side with me on this one.”

“I don’t even get what you’re arguing about,” Dan said, “and you can't just die because you’ve lost the will to live.”

“ _ The First Flight! _ ” Charlie practically screamed, “the most iconic movie to ever exist, you have to agree that it’s the best space movie in the world.”

“I’ve seen better,” Dan said with a nonchalant shrug and he momentarily started feeling bad for the way too hopeful grin slipped off Charlie’s face. 

“Well,  _ I  _ agree with you,” the bane of Dan’s existence - Phil - decided to say, visibly lifting Charlie’s spirits. 

“Thank you,” Charlie said, “these people don’t know a classic when they see one.”

“It came out last year,” Alex deadpanned. 

“All classics were new at some point,” Phil stated and Dan wanted to shake him violently while screaming. 

His eyes narrowed instinctively; Phil hadn't bothered to get involved in the argument until Dan had voiced his opinion. So it was a tad suspicious that his opinion had been the complete opposite to Dan’s, and it was weird that he had given his opinion unprompted. Further proof that he was going out of his way to be an inconvenience in Dan’s life. 

“Well Phil is getting my vote for best team member,” Charlie decided. 

“That’s not a real thing,” Dan snorted. 

“Maybe I’ll make it a thing.”

“Alright children, settle down, we have a pretty serious day ahead of ourselves and we need to stay focused on that and not your terrible taste in movies,” Peter announced and Dan heard the small celebratory cheer come from Alex from the support, “it’s not long until we will be cramped into our Soyuz rockets and forced to bear each other’s  _ very  _ close company for numerous hours so let us not draw blood before we have even reached the worst.”

“Well, that’s reassuring,” Charlie said. 

“If you wanted babied then you are on the wrong mission,” Peter stated. 

Over the past few weeks Dan could truly say that he was honestly impressed by Peter as he was essentially the perfect leader. He was able to take a joke and have a laugh with the members of his crew but when he needed to he could pull off the responsible commander role quite well and he didn't take any nonsense from anyone. 

“Right, now today is the day! Well, it’s the day for myself, Dan and Phil,” Peter said. 

Charlie, Alex and Rosa would be following them a week later. Due to the complexities of launching and connecting to the space station there were certain times when a launch could take place and certain times where it would be doomed to fail spectacularly and sure, it was a disappointment to have to split the team up for an entire week but when the other option was certain death the blow was lessened considerably. 

The inane chatter of Dan’s crewmates drowned out into nothing as he gazed upon the giant soyuz rocket that was positioned ready for launch, the rocket that he, Peter and Phil would be sitting in in just a few hours as they counted down to the second that the thrust would begin and propel them up into the air. 

It was a daunting thought and Dan began wondering whether he was truly prepared for it. His stomach was flipping like a gymnast on a trampoline and he was sure that there were thousands of butterflies fluttering around inside his body so  he kept his lips sealed as though opening them would risk all those butterflies being released and exposing him as the nervous wreck that he was. How was he even still standing? His knees were shaking up a storm and as he walked he feared that he would end up faceplanting the ground. 

Dan thought that it was strange, he wanted to leave Earth, he wanted to go to space. Of that, he had never been more sure but still a small part of his mind was frantically wondering whether he was making the right choice in that moment. He remembered his grandmother and how she would take a drag of her cigarette and mutter about how if people were meant to fly then they would have been born with wings. What would she think about his current endeavor? It was going beyond flying, that was for sure. Would she have been proud of him? Or would she have thought that he was completely insane? 

His family had thought he was insane for even thinking that he would get anywhere near the stars and they had thought that the only reason he was doing it was to spite them, maybe that was a small part of the reason. His mother had always said that he would cut off his own nose to spite his face, but if spite was the motivation it took to get to the stars then he wouldn't question it too much.

“Any last words?” Peter asked. 

“What?” Dan asked choking slightly on his own spit. 

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding,” Peter said with a snort, “we’ll be fine, this has been done countless times before.”

“Actually it’s not countless, last year alone there were-”

“Alright, Charlie, it was a figure of speech,” Peter said quickly, cutting him off before he could finish spouting his statistics. 

It was unnerving to see the sheer volume of people that had turned up to see the launch take place, there were reporters and cameras everywhere and it was intimidating for Dan to think that he was being broadcasted live on millions of TVs around the world. Were little kids watching and imagining themselves in his shoes someday? Could all those other people watching tell that he was practically shitting himself? Could all the people who had shaken his hand on the way to the launch pad - just to say they had shaken an astronaut’s hand - tell that he was terrified? Probably, his hands were extremely clammy so they must have gotten some sort of idea. 

“Six hours, we can do this,” Dan muttered to himself. 

“Yeah as long as everything goes to plan, if things go wrong then we’ll be in for the two day transfer,” Phil said, causing Dan to grit his teeth in annoyance. Why did Phil have to destroy everything? Dan had been trying not to think about that, he was just trying to focus on the six hour plan and hope that nothing went wrong. 

“Come on then Iago and Othello, we need to head up to the spacecraft,” Peter said snickering at what he must have thought were clever nicknames. 

“Wait,” Dan muttered as Peter walked away, “who’s who? Am I Iago or Othello?”

“Definitely Iago,” Phil said as he followed after Peter. 

“I am not Iago,” Dan called after them, “I’m Othello!”

“I mean Othello was a murderer so I wouldn't scream that one too loud,” Rosa said, “now come on or you’ll miss your flight.”

Dan huffed debating momentarily whether it was something that he wanted to sulk about or let slide. He decided to go with the latter, it was his launch day after all, there was no point in letting Phil and his stupid hair ruin it. Honestly, that hair would have been better suited to a fourteen going through their ‘emo phase’. 

“If looks could kill, Lester would be dead,” Alex murmured from beside Dan.

“What?” Dan asked, “and why are you constantly creeping up on me? Make a noise or something, please.”

“You know what,” they said, “I have my bets placed with Rosa about how this is going to end.”

“You guys are running a betting pool?” Dan asked, momentarily distracted by the news.

“Of course we are, we have one hundred and fifty days floating about in space,” they said, “we need some entertainment.”

“Are you going to tell me what you’ve betted on?” Dan asked.

“Not until we come home,” Alex decided after winding Dan up by pretending to consider spilling the beans for a moment.

“ _ If  _ we come home,” Dan corrected. 

“Wow, aren’t you Mr Optimistic?” Alex asked, “actually, nevermind, your pessimism might help me win this bet.”

“I swear, I’m going to end up chucking someone out into the vacuum of space and at this rate it may very well be you,” Dan threatened. 

“Sure, I’m annoying, but I’m a loveable annoying,” Alex said with a cheeky grin, “and you shouldn't say that too loud, they might pull you from the mission to do a psych evaluation.”

“Uh huh, keep telling yourself that,” Dan muttered, “and honestly if it frees me from your betting pool, maybe being pulled wouldn't be so bad.”

They would enter the orbital module - the part of the Soyuz that was designed for them to live in up until they arrived at the space station, it was perfectly equipped to support their flight, it even had a toilet - one that Dan was hoping wouldn't be necessary to use as long as they made it to the space station in six hours rather than two days. The three of them would have to chill together in the Soyuz for two and a half hours before it was time to launch while final tests were performed. 

Maybe that would be one of the worst parts; sitting for that length of time with Phil in what was likely to be a very awkward silence, unless Peter was capable of carrying a conversation for over two hours, which Dan highly doubted. 

It was strange, as a new astronaut Dan had sat through many briefs and debriefs as he was prepared for the launch that would someday be his, but he had never been properly told what to expect during the moment of launch. What would it be like? What would it feel like? Would his bones vibrate with the sheer power of a rocket preparing to thrust it's way up into space or would it be calmer? It was strange that he knew so little about what was close to becoming his future. 

When they reached the place that they would enter the Soyuz they were met by a small group of people dressed in white, it would have been a strange sight normally but Dan and the rest of the crew had been prepared for their presence. They were the Closeout Crew, they would be the ones to help the astronauts to suit up and safely be strapped into the rocket before the launch. 

Dan waited patiently as Peter and Phil were taken into the small white room - why was everything white? - to suit up and enter the compartment, the room was too small for the three of them to enter at the same time. Thankfully the rest of the team realised that he wasn't feeling up to talking as they stood by him as silent support. It was touching, in that moment they were just there as solidarity, it was strange and maybe it was just the fact that he was aware of the sheer magnitude of the journey ahead but he genuinely felt like he was going to miss them. Even Alex and their weird bets and comments. 

“Howell?” One of the men in white asked as they opened the door to the strange white room. 

“Yeah, that’s me,” Dan mumbled and he shuffled forward feeling both excited and terrified. 

Was it bad that he hadn't made a point to call his parents the night before? He was used to a call once a month but maybe he should have made an exception and phoned them since he was planning on leaving the actual Earth for such a lengthy time with no absolute guarantee that he would be coming home again. That made him wonder; had Phil called his family? Had he exchanged emotional goodbyes with a special someone? Why did Dan even care? It wasn't like Phil’s personal life affected Dan in any way at all. 

Dan allowed himself to be strapped into his seat by the Closeout Crew in a way that wasn't comfortable but he was just grateful that he could turn his head and move his arms, even if that was pretty much the extent of his ability to move - unless of course he counted wiggling his toes, which he absolutely did in that situation. 

Peter and Phil were already strapped in, looking every bit as uncomfortable as Dan was feeling as the straps were pulled tightly in awkward places by complete strangers. Until that was it. They were suited up and strapped in. One of the members of the Closeout Crew gave them a cheeky grin and whispered good luck and then the hatch was closed.

It suddenly occured to Dan that that would be the last person on Earth that any of them would see until the day they returned, that was if they ever returned, there was always the chance that something could go horribly wrong and they could die in a ball of flames. 

They sat there, listening to the radio chatter of plans and the occasional update on how they were doing for time in a nervous silence, almost as though they were worried that if one person broke the silence and admitted that they were worried then they would all break. Instead, they just all silently accepted that none of them were one hundred percent confident and left it at that. 

After the first two hours Dan’s joints began to scream at him for the cramped position and he wished that it was two hours into the flight rather than two hours into waiting for the launch, maybe then it would have been easier to deal with the stiff pain, but unfortunately they were only just about to launch. 

The launch itself was nothing like Dan had thought it would be. He had silently prepared himself to be shaken about like an unloved doll in a children’s nursery, he had essentially expected that he would be given some form of concussion from the way the Soyuz would shake with the power and energy of the rocket booster firing up. None of that happened. 

Oddly enough when a rocket was powered by kerosene-oxygen it took most of the violence out of the launch and lead to a smoother takeoff, it wasn't comfortable by any means, but it wasn't painful. 

“It never gets easier,” Peter murmured. 

“What?” Dan heard Phil ask over the noise of the engines powering up.

“Leaving, you’ll always wonder whether you’re going to return.” Peter said in a deadly serious tone that sent shiver up Dan’s spine. 

Peter had been on many more missions than Dan or Phil had, and he had returned safely from each one so eventually his luck had to run out. Dan was worried that this mission would be the one where that luck eventually disappeared. 

“We’ll return,” Phil said surely.

“How would you know?” Dan asked snidely, an immature part of him hoping that something would actually go wrong just so that Phil could be proved wrong. 

Was that extreme? To wish potential death upon himself and his teammates just to prove Phil wrong? Just to wipe that smug, sure look off his face. 

“I promised my family I would come home,” Phil said surely. 

Even Dan had to admit that there was something comforting about Phil having that level of faith that he would return home just because he had made a promise to. Maybe he just needed to have as much faith as Phil did, after all they were moving upwards, there was no turning back. Dan was finally on his way to the stars. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading!!! come find me on tumblr [ @philscurls](http://philscurls.tumblr.com/)
> 
> this weeks fic rec is: 
> 
> [Running Now (I Close My Eyes)](http://daniactuallysnuffledthatpopcorn.tumblr.com/post/169742663745/running-now-i-close-my-eyes) by [ daniactuallysnuffledthatpopcorn](http://daniactuallysnuffledthatpopcorn.tumblr.com/)  
> Summary: Bad days don’t care where you are or what you’re doing. This time, Dan is hit by one on a trip to Florida with the in-laws. Fortunately, Phil is always right there with him.


	4. day one

One of the biggest things that Dan had struggled to come to terms with before the launch was the knowledge that a vital part of any Soyuz Spacecraft launch was the fact that parts of the rocket had to break off and fall back to Earth in order for the Soyuz to actually make it into orbit. It was a weird thing to be unsure about considering that he was on his was on his way to space where he would be completely isolated from the life that he had grown used to, but Dan was in fact very worried. 

They had successfully lost the four strap-on boosters and the core booster some time ago and Dan wasn't ashamed to admit that he had closed his eyes as the other pieces separated from the Soyuz; gone was the payload fairing that had broken off into two parts, gone were the first and second stages of the Soyuz rocket, it was a carefully calculated process down to the last second. 

Dan wasn't sure if he would ever be able to describe the noises that he could hear and how it felt as they launched, he doubted that he would ever be able to do it justice, no matter how hard he tried. 

The metal around him was creating an inhuman screech as the different components came apart in a chaotic sounding mess of grinding and whirring. Dan could see flashes of light behind closed lids as they made progress and he was sure that there was a sumo wrestler sitting on his chest. The pressure was immense and no matter how much he wished he could plead with them to get off him, he knew that it would be fruitless. There was no person there to be moved and the pressure wouldn't end just because he wanted it to. 

Until finally it did, they pressure vanished and the only thing holding Dan in place were the straps that had been so meticulously fastened around him. He tried his best to contain a laugh ais stomach flipped over reminding him of being a child and shouting at his dad to drive faster on the hills so that he could feel the way his tummy would go all funny. 

Orbit. They had actually made it to orbit - arguably one of the most terrifying parts of their journey was over and they had survived. Thankfully their rocket hadn't malfunctioned or failed at any point and  instead it had safely delivered them into space. 

All the years of training and working through simulations had finally come through to help Dan reach Space and he couldn't help but to let a small smile creep it's way onto his face as he basked in the fact that he was alive. All fingers and toes were accounted for and he was as safe as he could be in that moment. It was bizarre to associate being safe with floating about in a vacuum that had the potential to completely obliterate him instantly, but he had made it. 

Now they just had to survive connecting to the International Space Station and the next one hundred and fifty days of being away from Earth. Even then,  if they survived all of that there was still the chance that they could die in a ball of flames on their way back to Earth if their parachutes failed and the descent module wasn't slowed down. The thought of the  impact that they would hit the Earth with was enough to send shivers down Dan’s spine.

“You boys pissed your pants yet?” Peter asked after the noise had settled to a level low enough for them to actually speak over. 

“What?” Dan asked, “are you hoping that you’re not the only one?” 

“Well we’re told to wear diapers for a reason,” Peter said with his distinctive laugh that seemed loud enough to shake the rocket apart at its seams. 

“Sure the fact that this journey was once so much longer has nothing to do with the fact that we have to wear nappies,” Dan murmured rolling his eyes.

“Actually,” Phil piped up, “you’re the only one wearing a nappy, they were worried that you would crap yourself.”

“Says the guy that is literally full of bullshit,” Dan sneered. 

“Now, now children,” Peter said intercepting before they could fully start to bicker, “we’re almost about to unstrap ourselves and do tests before we can move through to the next module so you might not want to fight before we do that. Karma might decide to kick your ass for it.”

“I only argue with people who have the mental capacity to stand a chance,” Phil said. 

“You’re a dick,” Dan stated as though it was a common fact.

“See what I mean?” Phil asked, “no signs of intelligent life anywhere to be found.”

“Guys it’s time to unbuckle so stop your pissing contest for a little while please.” Peter said. 

Dan had been told by many astronauts that he would remember his first time floating in zero gravity for the rest of his life and when the straps holding hims in place finally came off and he felt himself float in the air, completely weightless, he knew that they were right. 

Nothing - not even the fact that Phil was floating inches away from him - could ruin the complete delight that he felt as he floated. 

Would twelve year old Dan be proud of his future self? Would he be pleased with how his life had turned out? Dan felt sure that he would be, after all  how many children could say that they wanted to fly to space in a rocket and actually achieve that dream somewhere down the line? All those teachers that had smiled pityingly and told Dan to think about contingency plans just in case his dreams weren't possible could suck it. 

Everything that Dan had dreamed of was finally coming true. He had once lay awake most nights anxiously searching the skies for shooting stars to wish upon to hope that he would someday be an astronaut, he even used to set alarms at ten past eleven in the morning and at night so that he could prepare himself for making an 11:11 wish. Part of him used to wonder whether the wish still counted if he had purposefully set an alarm to make it, but taking the fact that he was in space into account then he was sure they had. 

Thankfully the insanely intelligent people who had planned their journey and programmed the soyuz to auto pilot itself to the ISS had done a good job and before Dan knew it he was being prompted to prepare for the rocket to dock to the space station. 

Docking took longer than the movies portrayed it to, for instance the astronauts would have to wait until the pressure inside the Soyuz matched with the pressure inside the Space Station before they would be able to enter for the first time. 

“Home sweet home,” Peter murmured.

“Do you miss it?” Dan asked. 

“Which one? Earth or the Space Station?”

“The Space Station,” Dan clarified, “when you go home do you ever wish that you could return?”

“Sometimes, that’s why I keep coming back,” Peter said with a nonchalant shrug, “otherwise I think I would have just stayed with my wife, but something that all astronauts have in common is our thirst to see what is out there beyond our home planet. That is something that you two should keep in mind when you are squabbling.”

“We don't squabble,” Dan grumbled. 

“Yeah, we do,” Phil countered. 

“You’re impossible,” Dan said in frustration, “do you always have to contradict me?”

“See? We’re squabbling.” Phil said with a cocky grin that Dan wanted to punch off his face except now he was in zero gravity and he wouldn't be able to to satisfyingly punch Phil.

Well, he would but due to the lack of forces acting against him, after the punch landed there would be nothing to stop him from spinning. At least on Earth he could have grounded himself but in Space he would just end up going in circles due to the force behind his own movement. So thanks to physics, physical violence was out.  

“Almost there,” Peter murmured, completely ignoring their argument. 

The fact that Dan would be stepping into the Space Station any moment suddenly slapped him in the face with all force of a boxing champion and he was hit with the insecurities that he had somehow managed to block out due to the fear he had felt while travelling to where he was. 

He was completely new to being in space despite having been an astronaut for years - unlike what many people thought you didn't immediately get handed a ticket to the ISS with your job acceptance, there was still a long way to go until you made it onto the launch team. Which Dan had done - he had made it - but with that came the worry that maybe he wasn't actually up to the job. 

What if he completely lost it and ended up screwing things up? What if he messed up so badly that he endangered the lives of his teammates? He didn't want to have that on his conscience. Well, unless it was Phil, he would gladly endanger the life of that asshole. 

Dan grumbled wordlessly to himself, that was a lie, he may dislike the guy but he wouldn't purposefully do anything to hurt him. It just wasn't the sort of person that Dan was, but he was petty and he knew how to hold a grudge. 

“Alright, the pressure has stabilised,” Peter announced and they all waited with bated breath to enter the space station.

The space station was exactly as Dan had imagined it would be and yet completely different, it was bigger than he had expected it would be but at the same time he could imagine how it would quickly become claustrophobic after spending a large amount time in it with other people. 

The thing about the space station was that most people thought it was all fun and games, heck even Dan had thought that it was going to be all fun before he had become an astronaut and actually learned what it entailed. He had thought that it would be juggling peanuts and squirting water bottles so that he could watch he water float about in a formless blob.

In reality it was much different - anything that they let go had to be kept track of in case it floated off and got trapped in an important piece of machinery causing untold damage and disastrous consequences 

So Dan wouldn’t be able to live out his dream of creating a thousand drops of water so that he could float in them and take an aesthetic photo for his Instagram.

“What’s the plan?” Phil asked quietly while they were all standing together in the harmony module.

“Throw you out the airlock maybe?” Dan suggested too quietly for any of them to pick up on. 

“Today we will do a basic inventory of supplies and get used to being here, tomorrow the real work begins,” Peter said, “we still have some time until the rest of the team joins us so we may as well bask in the peace. That is if you two can manage that.” 

“We will be the most peaceful astronauts you have ever worked with,” Dan promised.

“Well, I will,” Phil piped up, his stupid northern accent grated on Dan’s nerves and he wanted to do nothing more than reach down his throat and tear out his voice box. Violently.

“I am way more peaceful than you are,” Dan said with a small sniff of indignation.

“That’s a load of rubbish.”

“No it’s not, you’re the reason that we-”

“Guys, please,” Peter interrupted, “you know what? I’m adding to your tasks for this mission.”

“What? Why?” Phil practically yelped the questions out.

“That’s unfair,” Dan protested, “he’s the one who’s being a twat.” 

“You both need to start to let me finish my sentences before you open your mouths,” Peter said, despite his accent he was enunciating the words perfectly as though he wanted to ensure that there was no misunderstandings, “your task is to talk to each other.” 

“Why?” Dan asked, his brow furrowing as he considered the implications of Peter’s decision. That meant he would have to actually take the time to put up with Phil’s company.

“Yeah, why?” Phil asked seconding Dan’s question.

“Because you two are nightmares,” Peter said, “you are constantly trying to argue and you barely even care what you are arguing about so long as you annoy each other.”

“But he’s annoying!” Dan insisted.

“Says you?” Phil muttered.

“See,” Peter said pointedly, “I am beginning to wish for the time when you would not have even taken each other on.” 

“Me too,” said Dan as he thought back to those better, brighter times.

Initially after his and Phil’s first official confrontation they had decided to ignore each other’s existence. It had been a mutual decision and an unspoken rule between them - that was until phil became so annoying that Dan  _ had _ to speak otherwise he would have ended up killing him. 

Everything about Pil was annoying, even his smile, it was a stupid, conniving smile that always made Dan feel like Phil was laughing at him. Maybe he was mocking Dan’s chapped lips - it was possible - that ridiculous smirk was his way of showing off his ridiculously smooth looking lips. Dan hated him.

He hated his voice, his smile, his eyes, his childish haircut. Everything about Phil seemed to have been perfectly designed to be of maximum annoyance to Dan, it would have been incredible if it hadn’t ended up being so annoying. What if everyone had that one person in the world that was just designed to be everything that they hated? Was Dan unlucky enough to have met his ultimate annoyance?

Eventually, during their silent phase, Dan had snapped and the arguments had started. Maybe if he had managed to keep his mouth shut then they wouldn’t be constantly at each other’s throats, maybe they would still be silently dispising each other. Would that have really been better? 

“So?” Peter prompted.

“Uh,” Phil said sounding unsurprisingly ineloquent, “so what?

“A truce!” Peter practically yelled in such a surprising blast of noise that it actually made Dan jump out of his skin, “are you guys going to agree to a truce on this argument that you seem to have going on?”

“I don’t know if that would work,” Phil said, “I mean, I’m completely down for that idea but I don’t think that Dan would be capable of keeping to it for longer than an hour.” 

“You know what, Phil?” Dan asked, “you can bite me.” 

“See what I mean?” Phil asked, “he’s a lost cause.” 

“You would know all about being a lost cause considering that your parents-”

“Enough,” Peter said seriously, “that is enough, I don’t want to hear anymore about your silly feud. From now on if I am in the room then you two are going to be best friends.”

“Peter, don't you think that's a little unrealistic?” Dan asked. 

“Not in the slightest, you will ask each other how things are going and enquire as to how each other’s families are doing back on Earth. If I ask you Phil’s favourite colour, Dan, you will be able to answer straight away and if I ask Phil your favourite ice cream flavour he shouldn't even hesitate to know that answer.”

“Look, I get where you're coming from, really I do,” Dan said, “but forcing us to be ‘friends’ isn't going to fix anything.”

“This isn't a debate,” Peter said, “Phil, how many siblings do you have?”

“One, well technically one - my brother - but his girlfriend is practically family to us and she’s like the sister I never had,” Phil said looking confused. 

“Their names?” Peter asked. 

“Martyn and Cornelia,” Phil said slowly, the words laced with suspicion. 

“Dan, any pets?” Peter asked. 

“A dog, Colin,” Dan said. 

“Breed?”

“Tibetan Terrier, but I don't understand,” Dan said, “why does any of this matter?”

“It matters because it’s your homework,” Peter said, “you have just learned a basic fact about each other and I expect to be to ask about it in the future and you will have remembered.”

“This is ridiculous,” Dan mumbled under his breath, but Peter still heard. 

“Maybe so, but I am the commander and I have decided that it is happening.” 

Dan wasn't entirely sure that Peter was allowed to do that but he wasn't an idiot. Peter may enjoy the odd joke and act like an overgrown child sometimes but he was the Commander and that wasn't an easy position to achieve, what he had to say about his team members after the mission would be important and could potentially affect Dan’s entire career. 

There was a lot of pressure on an astronaut during their first mission - they were closely observed for any signs that space travel was negatively impacting on their ability to do their job and not only that but they were constantly being compared to other members of the team who had been to space before. 

So things weren't going to be easy for Dan. he would be watched carefully by many people and his every action would be scrutinised to ensure that he was always doing whatever was the most efficient and safe option. 

He frowned to himself as he quickly reflected on everything that had happened so far - if anything he had portrayed himself as being opposed to team work as he hadn't been willing to take on Phil and he had been so eager to contradict him. Which meant the only thing that he could do to avoid career suicide was follow Peter’s advice and get along with Phil. 

Well, he would pretend to get along with Phil for the sake of the mission and any future missions, he would never actually like the guy.

Dan couldn't imagine a world where he would ever get along with Phil effortlessly, he couldn't stand him and he would never be able to spend any time with him without feeling that flicker of annoyance. 

Unfortunately he didn't have a choice. Dan’s first day in space was jaded by the knowledge that he would have to pretend to befriend a complete idiot. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this is a day late please forgive me <3 also i'm sorry for any typos/ grammatical errors but i have just finished a 12 hr shift and i have to be up for another one in 7 hrs so rip me 
> 
> hmu on tumblr @philscurls <3333 i love you guys
> 
> fic rec:  
> [in this town of glass and eyes](http://archiveofourown.org/works/8028904) by [fairytalelights](http://archiveofourown.org/users/fairytalelights/pseuds/fairytalelights)  
> Summary: “I feel like when they look at me, they still see that kid that failed his law degree at university. They don't know what I do, they don't understand what Youtube is, they know that I'm on the radio, that's fine with them, but...” Dan sighs.  
> “You feel like they aren't proud of you,” Phil says quietly. Dan leans back against the bed and lets Phil card his fingers through his hair. He hasn't straightened it yet anyway.
> 
> or the one where Dan goes on a family holiday and it's not that easy.


	5. day three

“Marvin?” Dan muttered to himself, “ew, no way, maybe it was  Max, or Michael, Mark, fuck.”

Dan was completely and utterly screwed; he had failed his very first mission that Peter had given him on his third day in the International Space Station, he couldn't remember Phil’s brother’s name at all. He remembered that it had begun with an ‘M’ but that was all and he wasn't sure how to go about finding it out again because the most efficient way would to be just asking Phil, after all it  _ was  _ his brother so he would be guaranteed to know his name, but Dan didn't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he had failed. 

Dan was too stubborn to ask too, because it meant that he would have to go out of his own way to speak to Phil and actually be polite enough to hold a conversation so that he could find out the information he needed. He didn't even know how long he had to find out the name because Peter had warned them that he was just going to ask them both randomly. 

“Stupid fucking Phil,” Dan muttered aloud. 

He was thankful that the sleeping cabins were individual and soundproofed because he could actually rant out loud to himself without Phil - or Peter - hearing him. 

On the International Space Station there were a limited number of cabins for astronauts to sleep in - in fact, to be precise there were only two and the other team members had to attach their sleeping bag to a wall or the ceiling and just camp out like a bat wherever they could. Phil had lost at their game of Rock, Paper, Scissors and so he was sleeping in the Destiny Laboratory Module. 

It wasn't so bad, Phil still had plenty of privacy, after all it was only the three of them on the ISS and with Peter and Dan camped out in their little cabins, Phil had nothing to complain about. He had all the privacy any astronaut would need, or maybe Dan was trying to convince himself of that because he felt guilty about winning. It was stupid, he had won his cabin fair and square. 

Despite his unnecessary guilt, Dan was pleased that  he had won the game as he genuinely loved his little sleeping cabin. Even though it was incredibly small and there was barely room for him to do anything, it was the only place where he was free to be himself without the eyes and ears of his teammates infiltrating his personal space, plus he had a little window that allowed him to look out at the stars.

One of the strangest things about the space station, in Dan’s opinion, was that there were sixteen sunrises in twenty four hours which meant that he had to sleep with a mask over his eyes otherwise he would have never managed to sleep. Well, he still wasn't even managing to sleep. 

He struggled his way out of his sleeping bag and made his way out of his little cabin, the others would most likely be asleep which was a relief because he wasn't in the mood to socialise. Because of the multiple sunsets and sunrises time to sleep was scheduled and astronauts were given about eight hours to sleep. 

A few  hours of that time had already passed and Dan was still wide awake, he had been struggling to get used to not having a bed and using a floating sleeping bag instead but it hadn't been going well, at most he had been getting three hours of sleep before the music came filtering in through the speakers to waken him. Music that was being sent from a Space Centre on Earth and should have been picked by his family but they hadn't bothered which meant that he he had already been subjected to some strange choices by the people who worked at that Space Station. 

“Merle?” Dan wondered as he floated through on of the many corridors, “no, that’s the guy from  _ The Walking Dead _ .”

How many ‘M’ names would he go through before he found the right one? It seemed impossible, it was ridiculous of Peter to expect him to remember what stupid Phil’s brother’s name was; if he didn't care about Phil’s name then why should he remember his brother’s name? Not to mention the brother’s girlfriend’s name, although he remembered hers - Carolina. 

Dan was distracted from his wandering by catching a glimpse of Earth through a window in one of the rooms that came off the corridor he was in, he had to get a closer look. 

The room was a decent size and shrouded in darkness which gave off the illusion that Dan wasn't meant to be in there and made him feel like a child who had been kept behind for a few hours at school and had wandered into an empty classroom without permission. He half expected his old teacher to walk in and scold him for being there and shoo him out with a shake of his bloated hands. 

Dan laughed to himself  at his overactive imaginations and shook his head to dispel the thought. Due to the lack of gravity he had to use various nooks and crannies to pull himself forward to the window. 

The sight before him was breathtaking - he could see the United Kingdom, his home. The world was shrouded in darkness and he could imagine all of his family and friends being curled up in their beds blissfully unaware that he was up there looking down on them. Was that creepy? He decided not to focus on it too much. 

He could pick out London easily from the sheer amount of light that came from it and the tendrils that stretched out infiltrating the surrounding darkness. The amount of light that came off their home planet was astounding and Dan wouldn't have ever imagined it to look so beautiful. 

It was home, but it was so far away and seeing it filled him with a strange mix of nostalgic appreciation and insignificance. There was nothing like staring down on your home country that was 400km away to make you feel small, and small Dan did feel. 

Was anyone in his family awake? Were they staring up at the night sky and seeing that one brighter spot in the sky that was the International Space Station? Did they feel him looking down on them? Did they miss him as much as he missed them? Did they talk about him?

It was a strange feeling because he wasn't as close to his family as some people were and he spent most of his time when he’d lived with them wishing that he could be anywhere else. Now though, he felt closer to them, even though he couldn't be further away. 

There was a clunk behind him and Dan froze for a moment thinking that something had hit the space station causing damage, maybe a bit of debris? 

“Oh, uh sorry,” the voice of the last person Dan wanted to hear from stammered out, “I accidentally pulled myself in too fast and headbutted the wall.”

“That was a bit stupid,” Dan said, ignoring the way that the urge to ask if Phil was alright was on the tip of his tongue.

“Yeah,” Phil agreed, “sorry, I’ll go, I just wanted to look at- yeah.”

“You can stay,” Dan found himself saying without meaning to and he mentally berated himself. 

“Really?” Phil asked. 

“Yeah, but this doesn’t make us friends,” Dan made sure to say, he couldn't have Phil getting any funny ideas, he was just being considerate - the ISS was passing over their home country after all, it was only natural that Phil would want to see it. 

“Of course not,” Phil agreed quickly, he was probably just grateful Dan was allowing him to stay.

They floated there in what Dan hated to say was a comfortable silence as they stared at the place that they had both originated from. This was his chance, to find out the name of Phil’s family members and prove to Peter that he could follow simple instructions. 

“Where do you come from?” Dan asked, hoping that his voice didn't portray how reluctant he was to begin the conversation.

“Rawtenstall,” Phil said quietly without looking away from the world in front of them, “it’s a little town in Rossendale, Lancashire.”

“Huh,” Dan said, it made sense, Phil didn't come across as someone who was raised in a big city, “does your family still live there?”

“No, my parents are on the Isle of Man now,” Phil said, “and my brother is in London.”

“London?” Dan asked, “that’s pretty close to home for me.”

“You’re a Londoner?” Phil asked. 

“No, but I grew up in Wokingham which was about 35 miles out,” Dan said, he was sharing more than he had intended to with Phil but it was in the hopes of finding out that necessary information. 

“We couldn't have been further apart,” Phil observed. 

“Do you miss your family?” Dan asked.

“Yeah,” Phil said, “I mean don't get me wrong, I’m happy to be here and it's something that I’ve always wanted but this part of my life is something I wanted my family to be involved in and they can’t be because they’re in the UK. Before I moved to America, I  would make a point of visiting them every few months, but then after the move it became to be too expensive and time consuming.”

“Why?” Dan asked before realising that Phil might need him to elaborate, “Why do you need to see them so regularly?”

“How often do you see your family?” Phil asked, finally turning to look at Dan who was taken about by how temptingly intense Phil’s eyes looked in the dim light. 

“I can go a year without seeing them,” Dan said, that fact hadn't seemed so bad until he had said it out loud, he thought it over and wondered whether that was strange. Judging by Phil’s reaction he certainly thought so, “but seriously, why do you need to see your family so often?”

“I just worry, you know?” Phil asked, “well, I guess you don’t.”

“What do you worry about?” Dan asked in confusion, “your parents are adults and after raising you I’m pretty sure they can look after themselves.”

“Look, I’m not an idiot, despite what you might want to believe,” Phil said, “I know that my parents are getting on in years, but I still have this fear that one day I’ll see them and they’ll just look old.”

“It doesn’t matter how dedicated you are or how regularly you see them, they’re going to age,” Dan said

“Oh I know that,” Phil reassured, “but I mean that I don't want to be away for so long that the next time I see them my first thought is that they’ve gotten old.”

“You must be  _ very  _ close to your family,” Dan said.

“Closer than some,” Phil agreed, “family has always been important to me, I think it’s because I grew up with my parents, aunties, uncles and grandparents always being around.”

“That must have been nice,” Dan said. 

“You weren't close with your family?” Phil asked. 

“I-” Dan paused, how could he even begin to describe the strange relationship that he had with his family, “I guess we’re kind of close but not in the usual way.”

“What does that mean?” Phil asked. 

“I don't know how to explain it,” Dan said, “I was protective over my little brother but that was mainly because he was my brother y’know? We never had anything in common, in fact we barely know anything about each other.”

“And you regret that,” Phil said, it wasn't a question, it was an observation but nethertheless Dan shrugged and answered. 

“I mean I don't regret it but if something goes wrong on this mission then I feel like I will,” Dan said, “does that even make sense?”

“Not really,” Phil admitted. 

“Yeah,” Dan said, “I didn't figure it would, but it’s hard to explain to be honest.”

“You don't have to explain anything to me, don't worry,” Phil said reassuringly. Dan was grateful for that, he wasn't sure that he could explain it and he hadn't been keen on rambling like an idiot. 

“Why aren’t you sleeping?” Dan asked, changing the subject away from confusing and uncomfortable family dynamics.

“Why aren’t you?” Phil countered arching an eyebrow.

“Touche.”

“It doesn’t feel safe enough to fall asleep,” Phil admitted, “I mean I know that it’s as safe as it can be and due to the ongoing maintenance works there’s a very slim chance of going wrong, but my mind can’t stop thinking about everything that could possibly go wrong. Whenever I close my eyes I picture parts of the space station breaking apart.”

Dan was surprised by Phil’s honesty and it occurred to him that Phil had just given him the perfect ammunition against him, but somehow that no longer mattered. Dan wasn't going to use a secret confessed in the dead of night against Phil because he wouldn't like Phil to use his obvious family issues against himself. 

“That makes sense,” Dan said quietly.

“Your turn,” Phil said, “why aren’t you sleeping?”

“Well now I’m worried about that too, but mainly it's the weird feeling,” Dan said.

“The weird feeling?” Phil asked. 

“Yeah, sleeping on nothing,” Dan said, “it’s strange to not have a bed to lie on, like the sleeping bag is fine but I need my pillow.”

“Yeah, I get that,” Phil said, “I don't know, it took me a while to get used to being up here last time too.”

“Does it feel different this time around?” Dan asked. 

“Yes and no, it’s the same place and there isn't much difference other than the experiments that we have to conduct, but then it feels like there is more pressure on me this time.”

“Pressure?” Dan queried. 

“Yeah, pressure to adjust quicker this time around, to know more, to be less scared and I don't know just to cope better with  _ everything _ .”

“That makes sense,” Dan said, “but you know that people can't expect that. Coming to space is a huge thing and it doesn't matter how many times you come here or how much you love space, it's a big deal.”

“That’s strangely understanding of you,” Phil said. 

“This still doesn’t make us friends,” Dan reminded him. 

“I know, I know,” Phil said rolling his eyes. 

“We will never be friends,” Dan added to ensure Phil got it. 

“Yeah, Dan, I get it,” Phil said and Dan could hear that faint undertone of the rude guy that he had met in the bathroom before they had launched. 

“Just making sure.”

“In the grand scheme of things, being friends doesn’t really matter to me,” Phil said and Dan couldn't help but feel hurt by his comment even though he didn't like Phil. 

“We’re tiny and unimportant,” Dan agreed, trying to hide his hurt with understanding, “when you look down at the Earth it makes it clear how little we really mean. Like if you think about it, you barely know anyone down there and the chances are that other than our families and a select few colleagues - no one down there is thinking about us.”

“That’s a lonely way of thinking,” Phil said. 

“It’s true though,” Dan said with a shrug, “everyone runs about thinking that they’re working towards some bigger goal. Like their life has to  _ mean  _ something for it to be successful. What if it doesn’t mean anything? Maybe there isn't a larger meaning for everything that we’re doing.”

“Why are you here then?” Phil asked. 

“What do you mean?” 

“Well you say that there’s no meaning to life and that people are drifting along in their own little delusions and yet you’re here,” Phil said. 

“So are you,” Dan said in his own defense even though he wasn't quite sure why he was defending himself. 

“Yeah, I don’t believe that life is meaningless though.”

“I’m here because it’s my dream to explore Space, it's everything I’ve ever wanted in life,” Dan said. 

Phil let out a wry laugh that made Dan frown in confusion.

“You’re a hypocrite, Howell,” Phil said.

“Huh?”

“You’re a hypocrite,” Phil repeated, “if you don't understand then I won’t be able to explain to you, it’s something that you’ll have to learn on your own.”

“God, you really are a dick,” Dan said shaking his head. 

“So are you, I heard you before you realised I was here,” Phil said. 

“So?”

“You forgot my brother’s name and probably his girlfriend’s as well,” Phil said, “to think I actually put effort into remembering your dog Colin.”

“I did try,” Dan said. 

“Sure you did,” Phil said sounding as though he didn't believe Dan in the slightest, “anyway I’m going back to my sleeping bag and I’d advise you do the same soon, despite the weirdness of being up here you do need your sleep.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Dan muttered, his eyes glued on the planet in front of him as Phil dragged himself towards the door. 

“Hey, Dan?” Phil asked, Dun hummed curiously, “Martyn and Cornelia. That’s their names.”

“Thanks,” Dan said genuinely. He hadn't even been close with his guesses and he had gotten Cornelia’s name completely wrong despite thinking he was right. 

Dan sighed in confusion, he didn't like Phil at all, but somehow he had enjoyed the short conversation with him. It had been odd but eye opening and had given him a small insight into who Phil really was, but it was still confusing him.

On one hand Phil was this family loving guy who held his morals close to his chest and seemed like the type of guy that Dan would get along with, but on the other hand he was the rude guy who Dan had met in the bathroom, he was the guy who constantly wanted to pick an argument and belittle Dan. 

Was it just the loneliness of Space? Was that why they had managed to bear one another for a short amount of time without snapping? Or was it Peter’s rule? Maybe they were both just trying to prove to Peter they were the better man. 

It was only their third day and Dan was already losing it. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all so much for reading and supporting this fic so far!! ily guys  
> i will try my best to upload next week's chap on friday but i'm working so it might end up being a saturday upload!!
> 
> come chat to me on tumblr @philscurls
> 
> fic rec:  
> [One Of Those Days](http://archiveofourown.org/works/13469700) by Pedestriansquirrel  
> Summary: Sometimes bad days happen, but at least Dan has Phil to make things easier.


	6. day seven

The thing about space was that no matter how many times Dan caught a glimpse of the Earth from one of his little windows, he never tired of it. The view was always completely breathtaking and he could stare at it for hours on end. Sometimes he wondered how he could be expected to actually work when there was that view just outside; he could look out of one window and see the Earth and look out another and see the vastness of space and all the stars that surrounded him. 

He had always dreamed of walking among the stars, finally he was getting his wish. 

“Today is the day,” Peter announced as he strode into the module where Dan and Phil were silently shoving breakfast bars down their throats while pretending the other didn't exist. Dan was jerked out of his thoughts with a shock and he ended up coughing on a crumb that was trying to make it’s way down into his lungs. 

Dan had decided that he was not even going to acknowledge that the other night had happened and he would go about his days as normal, hating Phil and doing his job. It seemed as though Phil had come to the same conclusion which was annoying to Dan for some reason, maybe because it was  _ his  _ idea in the first place. Phil had no right to use Dan’s own tricks against him. 

The saying ‘two could play at that game’ was rubbish, this game was single player and Dan had the controller, Phil wasn't allowed to join in, he wasn't invited. 

“The day?” Dan questioned with a small frown as his mind ran over various situations and ideas for what he should expect to happen. 

“The day,” Peter confirmed, his accent coming out thicker with his enthusiasm,  “come on Dan, you can not have lost track of the days already? We have all been waiting for this day to come because it is that day that the rest of the crew is scheduled to arrive.”

“No, I’m not losing track, I’m just surprised that they’ve gone by so quickly,” Dan said quietly, he had thought that the time would have dragged more considering that he had spent most of his days working in silence as to not give Phil the satisfaction of another conversation between them. 

Peter must have been beginning to feel the isolation of the space station as every now and then  he would pop in and tell them another story about his time as a younger astronaut and all the stupid things he would do before he wised up and turned into the man he was now. Dan supposed that the loneliness must have gotten to him faster because of the family that he had left behind on Earth, it must have been been difficult to leave behind the person that you loved more than anyone else in the world. 

“That is the thing about being up here, time somehow seems to move  faster and slower at the simultaneously,” Peter said, “it passes quicker when you are bickering with someone as well. Do not give me that look, I know that you two are still pissed off at each other for no reason at all.”

“I have my reasons,” Dan muttered under his breath, apparently it had come out louder than he had intended it to.

“Yeah, me too,” Phil agreed. 

“I used to be just like you guys on my first mission,” Peter said with a nostalgic smile, “I would go out of my way to annoy a member of the team I was on, and nothing made me happier than when she would retaliate full force. You should have heard some of the arguments that we got into, my Commander at the time was a man named Timothy Rodriguez and he was a no nonsense type of guy. After our worst argument he threatened to put us in a Soyuz and send us straight back home unless we learned to get along.”

“Did you?” Dan asked, “learn to get along?”

“We pretended to, we would act nicely towards one another whenever Commander Rodriguez was around and as soon as he was away we would be back to fighting like a cat and dog. Until one day we stopped.”

“You stopped?” Phil asked, “just like that? You just randomly decided to stop fighting?”

“I messed up, I told her that space was no place for someone like her,” Peter said, “she did not take that too well, she thought that I was saying that because she was a woman.”

“Were you?” Phil asked.

“Of course not,” the reply was annoyed as though Phil should have known better than to ask such a thing, “I had not realised it until then but I was harbouring some pretty strong feelings for that woman and it occurred to me just how dangerous our job is.”

“You  _ liked  _ her?” Dan asked incredulously. 

“What is this, high school?” Peter asked snidely, “of course I liked her, but I was struggling to connect with her and I thought that irritating her was the best way to get her to notice me.”

“Did it work?” 

“When I confessed everything to her she called me an idiot and said that the only way I would stand a chance was if I could catch her attention without ‘being a dick’,” Peter said with a snort, “that was a challenge but it was worth it, a year later she took my last name.”

“You married her?” Dan asked. 

“I did, she is my Sofia and she is the most beautiful and intelligent woman walking that Earth down there.”

“I hate to break it to you,” Dan said sarcastically, “but I don't think that me and Phil are going to fall in love and get married because of your story.”

“Phil and I,” Phil corrected. 

“You can shove your grammar right up your-”

“Alright!” Peter said loudly, cutting them off, “look, I know that things are different with you two, but the point of my story is not that the situation is the same, it is that it can change.”

“Can it?” Dan asked. 

“Of course, you can let bygones be bygones,” Peter said, “you could just  _ stop  _ this need that you both have to be the best.”

“You make it sound so easy,” Dan said. 

“Think about it,” Peter said, “but right now, we need to get through some of our daily jobs before the rest of the team arrives.”

Dan quickly finished off his bland cereal bar; he was sure that Phil was sneakily eating all the good ones while everyone else was sleeping or at least hiding them somewhere that no one else knew about which was just another reason for him to hate the guy. What sort of asshole crept out through the night to eat cereal bars? Out of everything that he had to choose from, did he really have to go for the thing that Dan had specifically requested to be part of his meal plan before they had launched? 

Unfortunately for Dan who was very much a night owl, on the International Space Station they were woken up at six in the morning and they were expected to work through until nine thirty at night. It was a long day but they had regular scheduled meals and there was even a two and a half hour slot set aside for them to exercise to reduce the muscle wastage that would be caused by zero gravity. 

The exercise machines that they used had been specially adapted for zero gravity and even had seat belts to hold the astronauts in place so that the forces they exerted on the machines didn't send them careering off in random directions with enough force to cause some form of injury if they bumped into something. 

When they weren't eating or exercising they were most often working, there was a huge range of jobs that needed doing on the ISS, mainly maintenance. Maintenance was a vital part of ensuring that the ISS was as safe and efficient as possible. 

There was no air in space, no gravity, no way for a human to survive without sufficient working equipment. Which is why the space station had a very carefully regulated Environmental Control and Life Support System which was more commonly referred to as the ECLSS. The ECLSS was responsible for providing the oxygen that they breathed in and it removed the carbon dioxide from the air, it was even responsible for providing the water that they drank. That was only the beginning, it also took the credit for so many more things and that made it almost frightening to think about. 

They relied so much on the ECLSS that it was enough to drive any astronaut to insanity with nightmares and thoughts of it malfunctioning.  Which was the main reason why they regularly performed maintenance on it to ensure that it was always operating at its best capacity. There were so many different modules that made up the space station and the modules belonged to different countries. The life support systems that were responsible for keeping the team alive were situated in the Destiny Lab Module that was owned by the United States and the Zvezda Service Module that was property of Russia. 

Dan had been in space little over a week but he already found that performing maintenance on the life support systems was one of the most inherently terrifying things he had done so far. Everytime he had to change settings or perform a manual change he would feel that flash of terror as he wondered whether he had made a mistake and doomed himself and the rest of his team. 

It just so happened that that morning Dan was working on their life support systems once more, but to make things even more stressful he was working on it with Phil.

“You know, if I calibrated this by even 0.01% out we’d all end up slowly starving of oxygen and eventually we would die?” Phil asked.

“Was that your plan all along?” Dan asked dryly, trying not to think about that possibility.

“What?”

“Maybe you're a serial killer and you only applied to be an astronaut so that you could figure out how to become the most extra serial killer who ever existed,” Dan said suspiciously, “imagine going to all these lengths to kill people? You would be famous.”

“You do realise that you sound completely insane, right?” Phil asked with a genuine tinge of amusement. 

“Sounds like something that a serial killer trying to undermine me would say,” Dan said. 

“Why are you doing this Howell?”

“Doing what?” Dan asked, “making sure I’m one step ahead of you?”

“No, constantly looking for reasons to hate me,” Phil said, “it seems like every single time the tension clears you force yourself to think of something that you don’t like about me.”

“I don't have to force myself,” Dan said, “you make it easy to not like you.”

“You never even told me what it is that made you hate me in the first place,” Phil said quietly, “you just seemed to hate me for no reason and I really need to know why that is.”

“You don't know?” Dan asked incredulously, “how can you not know? How could you have got to this point without realising what you did?”

“I haven’t done anything,” Phil said in annoyance. 

“You’re really an asshole,” Dan said, “I’m not going to tell you what you did.” 

“You want me to make up for something but then you refuse to tell me what exactly I should be making up for? Don't you realise how that sounds? Don't you know how annoying you are when you're acting like this?”

“Acting like what?” Dan asked haughtily. 

“Like you're all high and mighty, like you're better than everyone else, like you think that keeping your secrets to yourself gives you a right to make everyone feel like they’re lesser than you,” Phil said. 

“I don't do anything of the sort,” Dan said with a sniff. 

“Yeah, you do, and the fact that you haven’t even realised that you’re doing it makes it all so much worse,” Phil said. 

“I’m pretty sure that you’re making it all up,” Dan said, “this is all a delusion of yours that you made up to disguise what you did.”

“We’re going in circles here,” Phil said with a sigh, “it seems like you're just determined to hate me no matter what. The other night when we sat there and watched the world move beneath us, I felt like maybe something could change between us, maybe we could have stopped this rivalry in its tracks and become friends.”

“Friends?”

“I like to think that in some alternate universe we would have made great friends,” Phil said. 

“Well, they say there’s an alternate universe for everything,” Dan said, “in one world me and you would have had wings.”

“Your sarcasm is unbecoming,”

“Are you two going to argue all morning or are you going to hurry up and finish your job so that you can come and welcome the rest of our teammates onto the space station?” Peter asked as he drifted by. 

“Wait,” Dan said, “how long until they’re here?”

“It will be about thirty minutes or so, but we will have a bit of time while the pressure balances.”

“That soon?” Phil asked in shock, “shouldn't we have been monitoring their journey and communicating with mission control?”

“I was, there wasn't much for you guys to do, maintenance is more important right now.”

Dan wanted to argue but he bit his tongue, Peter was the commander and there was nothing stopping him from ruining Dan’s career if he pissed him off; Peter really didn't seem like that sort of person but he hadn't climbed to the top of his career and made it to space so many times by being a pushover. 

Finally it was time for the rest of the team to be reunited with the three of them who had adapted to life in the space station. Dan wondered if he had had the same look of relieved wonder on his face when he had first entered the space station, had his eyes been as wide as Charlie’s were? 

“Look at them, there they are, my boys,” Charlie announced with all the volume that Dan hadn’t missed in the slightest.

“We’re not your boys,” Dan said. 

“You don't speak for me,” Phil said snidely. 

“What? You're his boy?” Dan asked motioning to Charlie. 

“Of course not,” Phil said, “but I can tell him that myself.”

“You guys are still at each other’s throats?” Rosa asked with an arched eyebrow that screamed amusement. 

“I’m telling you,” Alex said, “I’m going to win this bet.”

“What bet?” Phil asked.

“I can’t tell you that, it might ruin the outcome,” Alex said with a cocky grin.

“Yeah, they have a betting pool going based on us,” Dan said, “but Alex wouldn't tell me what they were all betting on.”

“That’s not fair though,” Phil said, “Peter?”

“From the way things have been going I think that Rosa will win,” Peter said. 

“You’re in on this?”

“Of course I am,” Peter said, “you have to think of ways to keep yourself entertained up here.” 

“I feel attacked,” Dan muttered. 

“For the first time in my life I agree with that idiot,” Phil said. 

“I wouldn't worry your pretty little heads about it,” Rosa said, “you guys will find out when the bet has been won by someone.”

“Now, let us leave the poor boys alone, you guys must be hungry after your journey,” Peter said, “and I’m sure mission control will want you to go through a health checkup to ensure that the journey went smoothly from all aspects.”

“Hungry? I’m starving,” Charlie said. 

“You’re always starving,” Alex muttered, rolling their eyes at the dramatic statement. 

“Well, this is it,” Peter said, “we are all here, the real fun can begin.”

“It’s only two weeks until our first EVA,” Rosa said, “let’s just hope that it all goes smoothly.”

Dan couldn't help but hope for the same thing, but knowing his luck, something was bound to go wrong. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this is a wee bitty late <3 i hope you enjoy, things are going to start getting juicy from here on out :) you can find me on tumblr @philscurls
> 
> fic rec:  
> [Second Chances](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10652676) by [wavydanrises](http://archiveofourown.org/users/wavydanrises/pseuds/wavydanrises)  
> Summary: Soulmate AU in which you get to see colours when you kiss your soulmate. Dan has a particularity.


	7. day twenty-one

It didn’t take long at all for the team to settle into a steady routine together, in fact they seemed to settle in so effortlessly that Dan began to imagine that they had been there since the beginning, he could barely remember how it was without them all.

He knew the team almost as well as he knew himself. Dan could remember clearly being introduced to all the team members on that very first day, he could remember Peter’s words and how he had described the team clearly and honestly Dan thought that Peter’s first impressions had been mostly accurate but they were textbook descriptions. The people he had grown to know were so much more than he could ever explain. 

Rosa had been described as the intelligent and charismatic team member, which was true to a certain extent but no one had mentioned how  _ passionate  _ she was. Whenever someone would get her started on a subject matter that she held close to her heart, she would throw her hands about wildly in a way that made her veer off in all directions from the forces she was exerting acted against her in zero gravity. Everything about her would light up as she spoke, it wasn't hard for Dan to see how she could be so easily loved in their community. She was committed too, she wouldn't take any nonsense when there was a task to be completed. 

Charlie was just as headstrong as Peter had initially said, but Dan had assumed that his stubbornness was going to be a dangerous factor that would need to be taken into consideration when planning a trip to space, but in reality it wasn't so much a hindrance as a bonus, he wasn't one to give up. When the rest of the team were just about ready to give on a problem after having spent hours upon hours trying to think it through, Charlie would spend the night wide awake looking over things again and again. He would stick with it until he found a solution. 

Which left Alex, Peter had been right when he had said that Alex was a difficult person to get a read on. They were kind and filled with great advice but somehow they had a strange ability to turn any personal questions around onto the person asking. Despite that, Dan liked Alex, their sense of humour was unparalleled and their knowledge could give everyone - even Rosa - a run for their money. 

Despite all of that, and how close Dan found himself becoming with the team, there was still the fact that Phil was the most frustratingly annoying person that Dan had ever met, he found himself having to physically restrain himself from grabbing Phil and throwing him out the airlock sometimes. 

“Good morning Sunshines,” Charlie said with a voice that was far too loud and obnoxious for first thing in the morning.

“Ugh,” Dan grunted, sipping his coffee from his little pouch to wash down the dry cereal bar that he was scoffing, he was still convinced that Phil was stealing all the good ones through the night. 

“Well, I should have said sunshines and the one black hole,” Charlie corrected himself. 

“You think that’s meant to insult me but it fits perfectly with the aesthetic of my soul,” Dan muttered. 

“The aesthetic of my soul” Phil said mockingly, “He says that like he has a soul but I’ve yet to see proof.”

“I showed your mum proof when-”

“Boys,” Peter cut them off, “sometimes I feel like a babysitter rather than a commander. Today we have our first EVA, please try not to get yourself riled up when you should be keeping your heads.”

EVAs or extravehicular activity was the name that was given to what people commonly knew as a spacewalk - or any activity that they did outside of the International Space Station. That day Dan, Phil and Rosa would be venturing out into space to set up part of Dan’s experiment. He couldn't help but feel the nerves writhe in his stomach as though they were trying to expose him as the nervous mess he was.

He was going to walk in space. 

Dan was going to move about outside the safety of the space station and there would nothing beneath him to make him feel safe. Dan would be able to look down and feel as though he would fall without ever stopping. What if he did? Technically it was impossible and there was no way that he should be able to fall through space, but he was going to walk in  _ space _ and at one time he had thought that his dream of doing so was also impossible _. _ It was all so surreal. 

“I always keep my head,” Dan muttered to himself, “never lost it yet.”

“I would beg to differ on that one.” Phil said, of course he had been listening, he never knew when to mind his own business. 

“Don’t worry, while I am out there, there will be no funny business.” Rosa said surely, “I have a perfect track record and there is no way that I’ll let these idiots ruin that.”

Her words were harsh but Dan knew that they were only partially serious as Rosa was invested in her work but she wasn’t the sort of person who took pleasure in alienating her team - unlike a certain other team member. 

It wasn't planned to be a very long EVA - just a quick trip out and then straight back in - only enough time so that they could set up the experiment and then it would be left alone for a few weeks to do it’s magic. 

“This is not just your reputation at stake here. It is my reputation and the integrity of the entire mission, so no matter what ill feelings you have towards each other, you  _ will  _ give this mission everything you have got,” Peter said, his tone of voice leaving no room for arguments from any of the team members.

“We will, Peter. We promise,” Phil said and Dan had to restrain himself from arguing that Phil had no right to make promises on his behalf. 

“Right then, hurry up and finish your breakfast, we have a long process ahead to get ready for the EVA,” Peter said. 

Peter wasn't wrong in that situation, the suits that astronauts had to wear while moving about outside the Space Station were called EMUs or Extravehicular Mobility Units and they had everything that an astronaut needed to survive outside the ISS for a period of time, seven hours to be precise. 

There were many different components that came together to make up the EMU which in itself meant that getting prepared took hours. The astronauts would even have to spend time breathing in pure oxygen in their suits before even venturing out into space as it reduced the risk of developing the bends. 

The preparation took a while, but just like in sex it was worth it, they were finally ready to leave the Space Station for the first time.

Dan had never felt the way he did in that first moment outside the ISS before, as he stared around at the universe that was surrounding him he was reminded of his earlier thought that there was nothing beneath him that could catch him. That didn't matter though, because there was no way that he would fall. There was no gravity, no air, there was nothing that could pull him down; he was floating in zero gravity. Part of him was intimidated by the fact that he could potentially float forever if the tether broke and he did something to create a force that would push him out.

Not that that would ever happen, he was perfectly safe and his tether to the International Space Station was strong, it wouldn't break of its own accord. In fact it would take a significant force to break it. Therefore there was nothing to worry about, he and the team were merely setting up an experiment and then returning to the ISS, everything would be fine. 

"You need a little longer to gawk?" Phil's irritating voice was delivered directly into Dan's ear via the headphones that he was wearing so that he could communicate with his team that were both inside and outside the Space Station. 

"Maybe," Dan murmured without any bite, he couldn’t bring himself to get annoyed when he was surrounded by such beauty, "it's a pretty sight, there's no reason not to gawk."

"Just remember that you are out there for a reason," Dan heard Peter say, "I understand that it is a hell of a sight, but just make sure to remember your primary goal."

"Don't worry," Dan said with a roll of his eyes that Peter would thankfully never see, "I couldn't forget if I tried."

"Yeah, Peter, this is all you've been harping on about for the last week," Charlie muttered, he was the only one who had the ability to sass Peter without annoying him. Dan had no idea how he got away with it, he must have had a lucky charm hidden on his person somewhere.

"I have to 'harp on', you lot are incorrigible and if I do not nag you all constantly then you will think that this is just a holiday." Peter said. 

"Is that such a bad thing?" Alex asked, "I think that treating your work like a holiday is a pretty good way to live your life. No one wants a job that they find draining."

"It is fine until people start to slack off," Peter said. 

"I mean, I doubt that would ever happen in this sort of environment," Charlie said, "those guys are out there risking their lives, so I doubt that they're going to start messing around enough to cause themselves or anyone else any harm."

"Thanks for the reminder that we're risking our lives," Dan muttered, "I really needed that when I'm looking at my feet and seeing nothing below them."

"I mean if you think about it," Phil said in a way that told Dan he wouldn't want to 'really think about' whatever it was that Phil was about to say, "while we're in the Space Station there's nothing below that either. We just feel safe because we're technically indoors."

"Wow, reassuring, thank you." Dan said sarcastically.

"If we're going down that train of thought, we might as well consider that the Earth is literally just floating above nothing," Alex added. 

"How about we don't follow that train of thought, or any train of thought that stems from it?" Dan asked. 

"For once I agree with Howell."

"Gee thanks," Dan muttered.    
  
"You would think that he'd be grateful for the support, but nope," Phil muttered to himself, "he's still a sarcastic arse."   
  
"You're a sarcastic arse," Dan muttered.    
  
"Your face is a sarcastic arse."   
  
"Your mum is a sarcastic arse."   
  
"Your mum's face is a-"   
  
"Alright!" Rosa said loudly, causing Dan to wince as the volume of it was delivered directly into his ear, "that is more than enough, I have already said that I don't want this mission to be ruined by you two."   
  
"We're not ruining anything," Phil said, "it's all just playful banter."   
  
"Speak for yourself," Dan muttered.    
  
"I did and I will continue to do so," Phil said.    
  
"Can we just get on with it so that I can get back inside and away from this URST?" Rosa asked.    
  
"What does that mean?" Dan asked as he listened to Alex's snort and Charlie's loud laughter filter through.    
  
"I have no idea?" Phil said questioningly.    
  
"Wow, look at them getting along, I feel like a proud Dad," Charlie said with a fake sniff that sounded disgusting through the speakers.    
  
"Never do that again," Rosa said.    
  
"Yeah that was gross," Phil said with an audible shudder.    
  
"You're gross."   
  
"Shut it, Howell," Rosa said, "come on, let's get on with this."   
  
They made their way around  to the top of the Space Station by gripping onto various parts of the stations and pulling themselves around. It didn't take long at all once Dan got used to the motion of grabbing and pulling.    
  
Phil managed to get the hang of it faster than he did which was mildly irritating but he tried not to remark, telling himself that it was fine and Phil could accidentally move too fast causing his hand to slip and he would end up spinning off into the distance. They could only be so lucky for that to happen.    
  
Dan was filled with a sense of pleasure as he thought about different scenarios all of which included Phil soaring off into space never to be seen again. Sure the rest of the team would be upset for a short time but they would eventually get over the loss. They would see how peaceful the International Space Station would be without Phil's annoying voice constantly interjecting and forcing his opinions into every damn situation where they didn't belong.   
  
"Dan, pay attention," Rosa snapped, "where the hell is your brain right now?"   
  
"Thinking of various ways that Phil could end up accidentally spinning off into space for eternity," Dan said honestly.    
  
"Wow thanks," Phil muttered over the sniggers from their fellow team mates.   
  
"It's a sweet dream," Dan said, "we wouldn't have to deal with seeing his face on board any more."   
  
"That's true but it means that someone will have to pick up the slack," Rosa said, "because from where I'm standing losing a team member means that there will be less people to complete our daily tasks."   
  
"Well, I'm sure if we all worked just a little bit faster then we'd be able to make up for not having Phil on board," Alex interjected.    
  
"If we woke up a little bit earlier too," Dan agreed, "we could actually manage pretty well. I love my sleep, that's no secret, but I would be willing to consider waking up about thirty minutes earlier to help out."   
  
"Are you guys really considering this?" Phil asked.    
  
"Of course not," Alex said reassuringly, "I was just thinking about how I would cope if something happened to one of you guys, I really think it would be possible to cope."   
  
"I was thinking about it seriously," Dan said, "I think we should test it out actually."   
  
"Hmm, maybe we could," Phil agreed, "but we could get rid of you rather than me."    
  
The thought sent a shiver down Dan's spine as he imagined himself floating off for all eternity in space. Never to be caught or rescued by anyone. It wasn't like getting lost at sea and randomly coming across a ship that would rescue him and take him home, there was no one out there in space to rescue him.    
  
In fact, he wouldn't even be alive long enough to get rescued. The air tanks were only equipped to keep him alive for seven hours. Once those seven hours were up then he would die of asphyxiation. It wouldn't be a pleasant death either, it would be scary and he would die alone while listening to the apologies of his teammates through the radio as they apologised for not being able to save him.    
  
"Dan," Rosa snapped once more.   
  
"Sorry, sorry, I promise this time I wasn't thinking about one of you guys dying."   
  
"I don't care, this experiment could go seriously wrong, I need your full attention on it just in case something happens," Rosa reminded him.   
  
"I know, I'm sorry, I'll pay attention," Dan promised.    
  
The experiment was risky because it contained components of things that were very dangerous when combined; heat, fuel and oxygen. Three things that weren't found in space naturally, and three things that were essential in order for a fire to start.    
  
"Dan, come around here, I need you to hold this in place." Rosa said, and they began to set up the experiment with no further squabbles.    
  
All things considered, setting up the experiment went very smoothly, there was nothing that seemed off about it and Dan was even optimistic that it would be a success when they came out to check it the following week.    
  
A success - all thoughts off success drained from Dan's mind as he felt a blast come from behind him.    
  
The noise didn't even register until he found himself being pushed forward, all fears of him dying alone out in space feeling very real in his mind.    
  
"Dan!" Dan wasn't sure who shouted his name, in fact for all he knew it could have been multiple people, but he was away of a frantic beeping alongside the shouts.    
  
"Get him, his tether hasn't broken but his suit is damaged I think," Rosa said loudly in his ear and it took Dan a moment to realise that it was his suit that was damaged.    
  
"What happened?" He asked, his voice sounding faint even to himself.    
  
"Don;t worry about that right know Dan," Phil said calmly, more calm than Dan had ever heard someone sound in their sort of situation, "try and orient yourself, grab onto your tether if you can to stop yourself from moving away so fast."   
  
"Is my suit ruined?" Dan asked.    
  
"Focus, Dan," Phil said without a trace of irritation, "just focus on my voice, it'll be alright."   
  
"Primary life support systems are offline, I think they took fatal damage," Dan heard Alex whisper.   
  
"His oxygen is escaping, he needs to get inside now." Peter replied, neither of them talking to Dan but he couldn’t help but to listen.    
  
"What?"   
  
"Dan, listen to me," Phil said, "you're alright, I promise, I'm coming to get you."   
  
"Is my oxygen running out?"   
  
"Dan, concentrate, your breathing is speeding up and when that happens you use your oxygen faster, just slow breaths and you'll be alright."   
  
"Phil, hurry up," Dan heard Rosa say.    
  
"I'm moving as fast as I can," there was the panic, Phil may have been calm on the outside but Dan could hear the fear in his voice.    
  
"I'm going to die," Dan said.    
  
"You are not going to die," Peter said determinedly. 

"I've got the tether," Phil said, "do you have your end?"

"Yeah," Dan whispered, almost too afraid to hope that Phil would be able to help him.    
  
"Great, I'm pulling you in now, alright Dan?" Phil said.    
  
"Hmm," Dan murmured, he could feel the oxygen in his suit thinning, it was a strange feeling, almost like he was climbing a mountain and nearing the top were the air was thinner and people generally started wearing oxygen masks.    
  
"Daniel, do you remember the names of Phil's family?" Peter asked.    
  
"Is now really the time?" Dan vaguely heard Phil ask.    
  
"Yes, because he is slipping in and out of consciousness out there, we do not know whether he has a head injury from the blast, we need to make sure he is all right," Dan hadn't even realised that his consciousness level was wavering until Peter mentioned it.    
  
It was true that he had been slipping in and out but he had honestly considered that he was just staring at parts of space that had no stars. It wasn’t until he thought about it that he realised how stupid that thought was.    
  
Dan was jerked back into consciousness once more, without even realising he had lost it by Phil grabbing onto his arm with a tight grip.   
  
"There’s blood, but I can't see where it's coming from," Dan heard Phil say and he felt as though he should answer even though he knew he wasn’t the person that the information was intended for.    
  
"Dan," Dan heard Alex say, he gave a small grunt in response to show he had heard him, "Dan, remember that bet we all have going?"   
  
"Yeah," Dan murmured and he was surprised by how slurred his own speech sounded, it was like he's spent the night drinking, maybe if he'd had more energy he would have laughed at that thought.    
  
"You need to get back in this Station so I don't lose all my money."   
  
That one did draw a laugh from Dan, one that made his head pound and a wave of nausea overcome him, he fought with his body so that he didn't vomit - his main reason being that if he threw up in his helmet it would stink.    
  
"Don't make me laugh."   
  
"No?"   
  
"Hurts," Dan mumbled.    
  
"Come on," Phil said, "we're almost back inside."   
  
Dan felt another hand on his other arm - Rosa - they must have been closer to the Station than he had thought.    
  
"Nearly there, you're fine Dan, we've got you," Phil said and maybe it was the head injury but Dan could almost swear that Phil sounded concerned. For him.    
  
It was fine, Dan told himself, Phil was right. He would be fine because despite their squabbles and arguments, Phil was taking him to safety. Dan let his eyes slip shut with the knowledge that Phil was there and he wouldn't let anything happen to him.   
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eeep hope you like <333 find me on tumblr[ @philscurls](http://philscurls.tumblr.com/)
> 
> fic rec:   
> [Flower Petal Wishes](http://archiveofourown.org/works/8650795) by [SleeplessNightWithPhan](http://archiveofourown.org/users/SleeplessNightWithPhan/pseuds/SleeplessNightWithPhan)  
> summary: He loves me not. He loves me not. He loves me not.
> 
> Dan has convinced himself that he is worthless, a complete failure, unlovable. He doesn’t understand why this dark haired man is even interested in him. Why he would ever waste his time on him.


	8. day twenty-one (2)

Dan wasn't sure how they managed to get him into the Space Station, his memories of everything were too hazy and blurred and he was doubtful that he would be able to trust his recollections of the events that had taken place. He was, however, sure that there was a lot of manhandling and tugging at him to get him inside before his oxygen ran out or his head injury dealt him some complications. He could feel the faint throbbing of bruises all over his body.

He was convinced that he could remember the look of worry on Phil's face as he pulled him to safety - that which was why he was beginning to doubt that his memories could be trusted. Just the sheer emotion in his eyes was enough to make fear swirl in the pit of Dan's stomach and tears prick in the corners of his eyes. It had been the look of a man who was about to lose someone, but surely Dan was making it up because of the trauma of the situation, there was no other reason Phil would look so fretfully scared. 

Dan felt tears prick at the corners of his eyes and he was fairly sure that given their circumstances there would be no judgment of him for crying but he didn't want to cry in front of Phil. He could already hear Alex's admonishments as he explained that crying could be therapeutic and there was nothing wrong with needing a little bit of a sob fest every now and then, but Dan didn’t care. He wasn't sure what it was, he wasn't afraid of crying - he did that often enough to be sure - he was more afraid of Phil seeing that he was terrified.

As a teenager part of Dan's humour had been to make edgy jokes about death and how much he wanted it, but in reality he was so much more different from that person.

"Martyn and Cornelia," Dan murmured hazily, hoping that someone was listening to him.

"What?" someone asked, a woman, Rosa?

"Martyn and Cornelia," he whispered once more, "Peter asked me."

"Dan, don't worry about that, Peter was just trying to give you something else to focus on," Phil said, his voice surprisingly close to Dan's ear and deliciously low. That was a strange way to think about Phil’s voice, maybe he could blame it on the head wound.

"I know," Dan said, "but I needed to show that I didn't forget this time."

"We're all super impressed by your memory skills," Charlie muttered, "now can you just shut up and focus on not dying on board?"

"Rude," Dan mumbled.

"Wait a moment," Charlie said suddenly, "what would happen if someone was to die on board the Space Station?"

"We don't need to discuss that right now, Charlie," Alex said quickly, "Dan isn't going to die."

"Are you sure? He looks pretty pale."

"Can you guys stop talking about him as if he isn't here?" Phil asked, "you aren't helping matters."

"What?" Alec asked, "of course we're helping, we're providing the all important comedic relief."

"I could do without that," Dan said, "I'd rather you took a long walk off a short pier."

"That's rich coming from the guy who almost died."

That sent a shiver down Dan’s spine, Charlie was right, he had almost died. He had nearly made it someone's responsibility to fly out to his family's house to deliver the news that their eldest son had died in space.

Would they care? Deep down Dan knew that they would, of course they would, they were his family, but another part of him was whispering that he was wrong. They hadn't cared when he had explained that he was going to space, they hadn't cared that he was doing something more dangerous than anyone could imagine without being there in person, so why would they care if he died? 

"Hey, Dan, you know something?" Phil asked.

"Hmm?"

"You remember when I was annoyed at you for forgetting my family's names? Well honestly I forgot your dog's name too, I had to do some serious brainstorming to remember what he was called." Phil admitted.

"Really?" Dan asked, "Then how did you remember?"

"Well after going through every dog name that I knew and then some I remembered that you had a dog with a human name which just made things even more difficult for me to try and remember his name," Phil admitted, "so I called my brother and I got him to stalk you online."

"You what?"

"Yeah, danisnotonfire is a weird username to have but he managed to find your instagram that was filled with pictures of Colin the rescue dog."

"That's cheating."

"Nah, there's no such thing as cheating, I was just using any means to an end," Phil said, "I do respect your family for adopting a dog though, that's something that I had always dreamed of doing."

"As soon as we saw him we just knew that he was coming home with us."

"I bet, I think I would struggle not to take every dog home, I would be the new and improved dog whisperer. Cesar Millan I'm coming for your branding."

"I can't believe you know who he is, you're just a secret dork aren't you?" Dan asked.

"There’s not much secret about my nerdiness." Phil said.

"Well, that's true, I could have spotted it a mile off," Dan said with a laugh that didn't hurt his head surprisingly.

There was almost a moment when Dan was sure that the rest of the crew had faded into nothingness and there was just the comfortable rambling between himself and Phil happening.

"Wow, who knew that all it took for them to actually get along was for one of them to nearly die," Charlie muttered.

"Not right now, Charlie." Peter said snappily.

Dan hadn't realised how stressed Peter looked. He was practically tearing his hair out and he was constantly huffing or muttering in German to himself.

"Is he alright?" Dan whispered.

"Ignore him, he's being a selfish ass," Rosa said snidely without even bothering to look over at Peter, obviously he had said something that had pissed her off.

"Why?"

"Seriously don't worry your bloody little head about it."

"It's probably not a good idea to remind him that his head is bleeding if we;re trying to keep him calm," Alex said, their voice dry and amused.

"I don't care about that," Dan muttered, "I want to get this suit off."

"Do you feel up to it?" Phil asked.

"Of course, why wouldn't I?" Dan asked.

"Well last time we tried to get rid of the suit you threatened to throw up on us and then stab us with whatever you could get your hands on, it was very over dramatic," Phil informed him.

"Was I threatening everyone or just you?" Dan asked with a smile to remove any hostility that Phil may have imagined.

"Maybe it was mostly directed towards me," Phil said with a soft laugh that somehow melted the last of the ice that was surrounding Dan’s heart.

"I'm sorry," Dan admitted, apologising for more than Phil knew.

"Don’t worry about it, you've been through a lot, it's only natural that you would be a little riled up about things."

"No," Dan said shaking his head which he regretted straight away as it sent his head spinning in circles, "no, I'm sorry for more than that."

"Alright," Phil said slowly, "well, how about we make a little deal?"

"What deal?"

"You focus on getting better," Phil said, "and once you are, you can apologise for whatever is weighing you down."

"It's impossible to be weighed down because we're in-"

"Zero gravity, I know," Phil interjected, "don't even try and pull that one over me, you can't keep using wit to get out of being emotionally vulnerable."

"Watch me," Dan muttered.

"Right, before these two flirt themselves into oblivion, should we help Dan out of his suit?" Charlie asked.

_ Flirt? _

"Yeah, that's a plan."

The team was surprisingly gentle as they removed the different components of the suit from Dan;'s body. He was even surprised to see Alex peering at the wound on his head carefully and muttering to himself about.

"It's not bad," Alex finally declared, "I should be able to seal it with a few butterfly stitches, no needles needed."

"That's a relief," Dan said.

"It looks a lot worse than it is because as you probably know, head wounds are prone to bleeding like a bitch," Alex said, "if these stitches don't work though, you will need the needle and thread."

"Let's hope that it works then," Dan muttered.

"I mean so long as you avoid whacking it off of anything else, I don't see any major reasons for it not to."

"No more hitting my head," Dan said, "got it."

"Definitely no more of that," Phil said.

Later that day Dan found himself in the module where he and Phil had spent the night in each other’s company under the guise of an unspoken truce as they had looked down at the Earth below them and thought about their friends and family back home.

Dan got a strange sense of Deja Vu as he heard the sounds of a person moving behind him, entering the same room.

"Can I join you for a few?" Phil asked.

"Sure, you can't see home though, we're above the sea at the moment."

"That's alright, I'm actually not here for the view," Phil admitted.

"Really? What are you here for then?" Dan asked him.

"I just wanted to see how you're doing," Phil admitted, "I know that we were given the rest of the evening off, but I just wanted to make sure that you really are alright."

"Don't worry, I have a hard head." Dan said with a small smile.

"There you go again, using humour to try and avoid the fact that you feel vulnerable, why is it that you do that?"

"Because that's my business, or well my shit, it doesn't need to ruin anyone else’s mood, there isn't anything that you can do about it so why worry?”

"It's not about ruining anyone else's mood though," Phil said, "it's about sharing your feelings and allowing yourself to be vulnerable around others."

"Why would I need to be vulnerable around others?" Dan asked in confusion, that sounded like a terrible idea and not something that he wanted to start trying.

"Because when you're allowed to be vulnerable around others you can realise more than you ever thought." Phil said.

"Thanks Yoda, that was the most cryptic shit that I have ever heard," Dan muttered, "do you even know what you just said?"

"No idea, Cornelia read it to me from a magazine a while back and it just stuck with me, it has to mean something important though," Phil said with a slight shrug.

"That's your secret, isn't it?" Dan asked with a snort, "you just spout a load of shit and expect people to believe you because you said it with so much conviction."

"No," Phil said, "sometimes I know what I'm talking about."

"Oh yeah? When?" Dan asked.

"Right now," Phil said.

"What is it that you know right now then?" Dan said taking the bait.

"I know that you were scared today," Phil said softly, he wasn't judging Dan for his panic that day but Dan still felt his metaphorical hackles rise in response.

"Yeah, well, so were you."

"Yeah, I was," Phil admitted, "I was absolutely terrified that I was going to lose you out there, it hadn't really hit me what that would mean until it became a possibility."

"What do you mean?" Dan wondered.

"Well, we get training on all of this before we even leave Earth right?" Phil asked, before continuing without waiting for an answer, "all of that training, so many hours and countless assessments that we have to go through before even making it to space."

"Do you have a point with this?" Dan asked.

"Yeah," Phil said, "I'm getting there, my point is that we go through all of that training and stress and we still aren't fully prepared for the fact that things can and will go wrong."

"Isn't that a law?" Dan asked, "anything that can go wrong, will."

"Hm, I think so." Phil said.

"I should look that up," Dan said, "I'll do that later tonight."

They stared down at the Earth in silence for a few moments, both of them lost in their own thoughts. Dan's family had no idea that he had almost died, and he had no intentions of telling them. He wondered whether Phil would admit to his family when something bad happened or if he too would avoid the topic as to not worry them?

Would it be a weird question to ask someone who you barely knew?

"You're thinking pretty damn hard there, Howell." Phil said, "I can practically hear to rusty cogs whirring to life."

"You're a dick," Dan said, but the words were teasing rather than malicious for possibly the first time since they had met, "I have a lot on my mind today."

"You know it's weird that we use the words 'today' and 'tonight' considering that we don't really have  _ days _ , we just stick to a timezone that only exists down there on earth."

"Are you trying to force me into an existential crisis?" DAn asked.

"Of course not," Phil muttered, "I just thought it was interesting."

"Hey, Phil?" Dan asked after a few more moments of surprisingly comfortable silence, Phil murmured to show he was listening, "I just wanted to say thanks, you know, for saving my life today."

"It's no big deal," Phil said with a slight shrug, he looked uncomfortable with the praise.

"It most definitely was a big deal, you risked your life to come after me, that means more to me than I could ever say."

"I wasn't really risking my life," Phil said, "I was safe, my tether was attached and there was nothing wrong with my EMU so I wasn't in any danger following you out there."

"Phil," Dan said with a snort, "accept the freaking compliment, you did an amazing job today."

"Alright, thank you," Phil said.

Dan gazed out at the stars that seemed so temptingly close to him and thought about how terrified he had been just a few hours ago while he had been spinning wildly away from the Space Station, he couldn’t fathom that terror now that he was safe again. He had come very close to needing to use the built in continence aids that were in all of their space suits.

"Do you think we could start over?" Phil asked quietly,"I mean, I really don't know why we started this little feud between the two of us but I would really like to give friendship a shot."

"You really don't remember?" Dan asked curiously.

"Nope," Phil said shaking his head lightly, "I have no idea at all."

"I could explain?" DAn asked.

"Please," Phil said, "but also, when you explain can you try not to get mad at me all over again? I really was serious about giving this a genuine shot."

"Alright, I'll try," Dan promised, "it all began back on Earth, the year was 2018-"

"Tell it properly you dork," Phil interjected.

"What do you mean?" Dan asked, "this is the perfect way to tell a story."

"No, you’re being way too obnoxious for me to actually listen to whatever you're saying, you need to explain like a normal human would."

"Alright then," Dan said, "it was back on Earth before we had even officially met each other-"

"Wait," Phil interrupted, "you hated me before we had even met? I never stood a chance did I?"

"Stop interrupting," Dan muttered, "I'll kick you.”

"Wow, threatening, I'd like to see you try," Phil deadpanned, "but anyways you're absolutely right, I should stop interrupting so that I can find out why you hated me before you even met me."

"Well, I did meet you, but you seem to have forgotten all about it," Dan said raising an eyebrow at Phil, the action made the cut on his forehead throb and he panicked for a moment thinking that he had disturbed the wound, thankfully Phil didn't look at him and panic so he assumed it was fine.

"I forgot?" Phil asked, "why are you being so vague? Can you just tell me the story simply?"

"Alright, it was in the bathroom before I went to the room where I met the team, you walked in after I had accidentally soaked an embarrassing place and were rude as fuck."

"The bathroom?" Phil muttered questioningly to himself, "wait, that was you?"

"What do you mean that was me?"

"I remember someone was talking to me but I don't really recall what they were saying because my contact lens had gone inside out and I was struggling with it," Phil said, "so I wasn't really paying attention to anything else."

"Are you joking?" dAn asked seriously.

"No," Phil said, "why would I joke about that, do you know how much an inside out contact lens hurts?"

"No, I don't, I don't wear them," Dan said.

"Oh, well it stings," Phil said, "a lot."

"I can't believe this," Dan groaned and maybe if it wasn't for the fact that he had been warned about furthering his head injury he would have banged his head against the window a few times out of frustration.

"Your hatred of me was based on a misunderstanding?" Phil asked, "somehow I  _ can  _ believe that you know,"

"This is insane!" Dan said loudly.

"You're insane."

"I can't get over this," Dan said dramatically, "but you hated me too, you've been going out of your way to contradict me lately."

"Well, yeah," Phil said rolling his eyes as though it was obvious, "if someone seemed to hate you, then you don't treat them all nicey nicey, you retaliate."

"I could have had so much more peace if this hadn't have happened." Dan groaned to himself.

" _ I  _ could have had so much peace," Phil muttered.

Dan couldn't believe it at all, everything that he had based his opinions on was a lie. How was he meant to deal with that? He had hated Phil for weeks for no good reason, would Phil ever forgive him for that? Could he?

"Are you alright?" Phil asked quietly.

"Not in the slightest," Dan said, "I'm realising how much of an idiot I was, so much of this could have been avoided."

"Yeah, you are an idiot," Phil agreed, "but you know what?"

"Hm?"

"I don't mind," Phil said with a laugh, "the world needs idiots to make average people like me seem smarter."

"You are so much more than average," Dan said, "you wouldn't have made it to this point in life if you weren't. They don't just send anyone to space you know."

"I know, I know," Phil said placatingly, "I wasn't being serious."

"You know what?" Dan asked, "I want to start afresh. Would you be down for that?"

"Starting afresh?" Phil asked.

"Yeah,"

"What does it entail?"

"We forget about all the ill feelings that we've had towards each other and we start again," Dan explained.

"All of it? Just gone?"

"Yeah, no more arguing."

"I think I like that idea," Phil admitted.

"Great," Dan said, "Hi there, my name is Daniel Howell and I will be your teammate for the next few months."

"Nice to meet you Daniel Howell, I am Philip Lester."

"Call me Dan,"

"Only if you call me Phil," Phil proposed.

"You have a deal," Dan said before tacking on the end, "Phil."

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here we go!! i'm finally going to move the relationship on you'll be glad to know ahaha
> 
> come find me on tumblr @amczingphil
> 
> fic rec:  
> [For the Love of Elsa](http://archiveofourown.org/works/13122777/chapters/30020934) by [ TardisAJB](http://archiveofourown.org/users/TardisAJB/pseuds/TardisAJB)  
> summary:Soulmates AU where the first words your soulmate says to you are on your arm. Phil works in a toy store and Dan comes in four days before Christmas when they bump into each other.


	9. day fifty-four

The weeks passed relatively fast following the Dan's risky expedition outside the International Space Station and he found himself growing closer and closer to Phil despite everything. He was way more interesting than Dan would have ever imagined him to be.

Phil was unique in that he had a strange perspective on the world, his brain just didn't seem to work like anyone else's brain would. If it wasn't for the fact that Dan had made up with Phil then he would have scrunched up his nose and assumed that the floppy haired nerd was a weirdo rather than understanding that he was beyond amazing in inexplicable ways.

Phil was able to make connections before Dan had even thought they were possible, his brain seemed to run at a million miles an hour as it took in information and processed it before Dan had even thought to consider it. It was completely bizarre and it was amazing for Dan to watch.

With the improved relationship between Dan and Phil, they both found that the time was beginning to fly passed at a faster speed as they were having more fun on board and the old saying was 'time flies when you're having fun' which had never felt more true to Dan than in those few weeks on board the ISS.

In addition to the lack of animosity on board, Dan and Phil found themselves becoming fast friends. Dan was happy to listen to Phil ramble about his friends and family back home, he would talk about his brother a lot and it was easy for Dan to see the love there.

"I used to keep him awake all night," Phil had told Dan once with a snort.

"Somehow that doesn't really surprise me," Dan muttered, "you definitely talk a lot."

"I know, we had bunk bed you know?" Phil said, "when I was little."

"Were you on the top bunk or the bottom?" Dan asked.

"The top," Phil said, "I would hang upside down over the edge and nag my brother constantly until he would answer me. He used to make answers up because he never knew the truth, my questions were a little obscure."

"I'm sure," Dan said, "what were you doing? Asking for the meaning of life?"

"No," Phil said with a sniff as though it was ridiculous that Dan should assume him to have ever considered such a thing, "I would ask him why the moon was round."

"Did he have an answer?" Dan asked curiously.

"Yeah, he would say; 'a flat moon would look pretty stupid'," Phil said with a snort, "of course, the three year old Phil was perfectly happy to accept that as an answer. Martyn was right, a flat moon would have looked ridiculous."

"Can you imagine that?" Dan had asked him, "looking up to the night sky and seeing a floppy deflated balloon moon."

That conversation was ingrained in Dan's mind for the pure reason that he thought the idea of a young Phil constantly nagging his tired big brother was hilarious, even if it was unbearably adorable.

Dan couldn't help but notice more things about Phil such as the way that his eyelashes would brush against his cheeks as he looked down, only ever so slightly, like the tempting brush of flames against twigs in a forest fire; delicate, but powerful.

Dan even noticed the tiny freckles that dusted pale cheeks in a smattering of constellations that had spilled from the sky and onto the skin of the boy that was exploring it. Dan had found himself tempted to trace them multiple times and it was only the fear of Phil looking at him with disgust that stopped him from reaching out and stroking them.

He couldn't bear to frighten Phil away, not after everything that they had been through, not after all the arguments that had finally been resolved.

He couldn't help noticing all those new things, he couldn't help but to notice the way that Phil's eyes seemed to contain the entire universe; they had a mix of every shade of the sea that was possibly imaginable back on Earth, they contained the Northern Lights themselves, they contained the galaxies that were so temptingly close and yet so far away.

At first Dan had thought that Phil wore coloured contacts, he hadn't been able to believe that the man with the beautiful eyes wasn't wearing anything to distort or enhance them, but he was wrong; they were natural. Was that weird? To think that your friend had beautiful eyes? Maybe it was, or maybe it was just that their colour was hypnotic. Dan had once spent a few hours hiding away in part of the ISS because he had asked Phil whether NASA designed space friendly contacts for him despite the fact that he was wearing glasses as Dan asked. That had made him feel like an idiot.

Truthfully, Dan had realised that he was beginning to develop somewhat of a friendship crush on Phil, Dan wasn't even sure what a friendship crush was but he was pretty confident that the phrase applied perfectly in that instance.  There was nothing Dan could do about the way he felt but that didn't mean that he had to do anything about it, he wouldn't risk ruining the friendship he was building.

It was just fortunate that Phil had no way of knowing what was going on in Dan's mind, to be honest, Dan wasn't even sure that he knew what was going on in his mind either. All his thoughts were spinning around and crashing against the insides of his head in a conflicting array of emotion. Dan could almost imagine himself getting his heart broken by the boy with the beautiful eyes and that in itself was an even more terrifying thought than being stranded in space.

That morning Dan woke up to find a cereal bar floating beside the head of his sleeping bag, he had long since given up his little room to Rosa to offer her some privacy from their annoying late night banter, well when Dan said 'their' he meant his and Phil's. They were quite the chatterboxes before they fell asleep. In some ways it reminded Dan of having a friend over for a sleepover when he was younger.

It was strange how much things could change in such a short space of time.

The floating cereal bar told Dan that he was completely right that Phil had been stealing his favourite ones as it was the chocolate chip and honey glaze one that had been left floating by him. Which was the one flavour that Dan hadn't seen at all until then, Phil had definitely been hiding them. He couldn't even bring himself to be mad though because he had to admit that he was just as petty in some ways.

But why was Phil suddenly giving in and allowing Dan to have one of the good cereal bars? Why didn't he just keep them locked up wherever his secret stash was? Was it just a friendly gesture or did it mean more? Dan had no idea, but he was beginning to wish that people could be more transparent in their actions, even though it was hypocritical of him to wish for that.

"Good morning, Sunshine," Alex said way too brightly as they saw Dan rip his way out of his sleeping bag, the zipper sounding harsh against the faint thrum of the oxygen support system.

Dan grunted in response.

"Eloquent, thank you," Alex said.

"Why is everyone in this damn space station a goddamn ray of sunshine in the morning?" Dan asked himself, "whatever happened to people being allowed to wake up tired without being forced to be perky."

"You shouldn't be tired after waking up," Alex said as they shot Dan a concerned look, "you have the perfect amount of sleep scheduled, so if you're still feeling tired then I can  take some blood samples? Maybe you have a iron deficiency? Have you been logging your meals in the system accurately? I could ask the dieticians back on Earth to have a look over your logs and see if you need supplements."

"No," Dan mumbled as he slapped away Alex's hands from where they were already beginning to palpate veins like they were about to pull a needle out of their ass and start taking samples, "stop it, I'm fine, I just don't have the gift of being able to fall asleep at the drop of a hat like you nutters seem to do. Seriously what is up with you guys? Are you even human?"

"We're human," Alex said giving an amused chuckle, "although, I don't think that we all have that ability to fall asleep like you seem to believe."

Dan followed Alex's gaze to where Phil was pulling himself into the module where they were all sleeping, Phil was yawning and rubbing his eyes beneath his glasses while looking way more sleepy than seemed humanly possible.

Dan couldn't stop the heat from forming on his cheeks as he watched Phil, it climbed up his neck slowly in an unmissable hue of red. He knew how it looked and part of him wished that it was true - that the reason for their tiredness was that they were off fornicating in some abandoned corner of the Space Station, but it simply wasn't true, there was nothing going on between Dan and Phil other than friendship. After the rocky start that they had had together it was a miracle that they were even friends in the first place.

"Morning Phil," Alex called over to him cheerfully.

"Morning," Phil replied with a bright smile that did not match the dark bags that he had under his eyes in the slightest. Dan was ever so slightly jealous that Phil was capable of pretending to be so optimistic even when he was exhausted.

Dan knew where Alex and the rest of the team got their assumptions from, after all he and Phil had been spending their nights together but not in  _ that  _ way. They would go into the room with the huge mirror and spend their time gazing down upon the Earth together and sharing stories from their time back home.

He had learned all about Phil's time at university and the house that he had shared with his friends. Phil had mentioned how they all had stolen traffic signs as an initiation of sorts but Phil had been too scared to steal an actual sign so he had gone to a shop and bought a traffic cone, rolled it around in some mud so that it looked used, and taken it back to the house.

"I was so worried that if I stole a traffic sign then it would have caused someone to get into an accident." Phil had admitted to Dan, "I couldn't believe my roommates bought the traffic cone story at first."

" _ I _ can't believe it," Dan said with a loud snort that Phil had been quick to shush so that they didn't wake their teammates.

"They're heavier than they look," Phil muttered.

"Well, yeah," Dan said, "they have to withstand all sorts of weather on the roads."

"It was so heavy that I dropped it a million times and it definitely looked well used by the time I got it home," Phil said, "but I was still sussed out."

"You were?" Dan asked, "how?"

"I left the receipt out," Phil said.

That was enough to send Dan into hysterics, he could imagine everything that Phil described so vividly in his mind.

It was strange that not so long ago Dan hadn't been able to remember Martyn and Cornelia's names, they had constantly been slipping his mind and he would muddle them up with other ones, but things had changed enough so that their names had become familiar to him.

They slipped off his tongue naturally as he chatted to Phil about them and part of him felt like he knew the two people who Phil held so close to his heart. He knew more about them than Dan had ever thought possible, and it was strange because they were down there on Earth and probably knew nothing about him.

They were Phil's family, and he was Phil's... something. He had no idea what he was to Phil; a friend, a colleague, an acquaintance? What was he?

The more Phil spoke about his family, the more Dan wanted to hear. They sounded like everything that he had dreamed of having for himself.  It was almost painful for him to hear about because he was jealous, not that he could admit that.

"So then my mum told me that if I wanted to be an astronaut then I should look into it, she even took me to the library and checked out a bunch of books on NASA for me," Phil said, "I doubt she ever thought that I was being serious, she probably thought that it was just like that one time I told her that I wanted to be a binman, but I was deadly serious."

"She was  _ that  _ supportive?" Dan asked in confusion.

"Are you kidding?" Phil asked, "I don't think there was a single person in Rossendale who didn't know about me being accepted into the program when I was. She would tell anyone who would listen."

"Really?" Dan asked.

"Really, when I first got accepted she would stop people in the streets and introduce them to me, calling me a future astronaut," Phil said, "weren't your parents the same?"

"Yeah, of course," Dan lied, "they'd never been more proud of me than when I got accepted."

Phil hadn't called him out on his blatant lie and Dan was grateful for that. Had that conversation really only been the night before? Was that why Dan had been given his cereal bar back? Out of pity?

He didn't like to think about it like that but he couldn't deny that it made sense. It wasn't like Dan was a good liar, far from it. He was an open book, his feelings were always displayed on his face for anyone to read and it was no wonder that Alex and Charlie kept giggling together behind their hands whenever Dan and Phil were together.

Hopefully Phil would remain blissfully unaware of Dan's infatuation but he knew that it wouldn't take long for the truth to come out, maybe he would have to take advantage of the time he had being Phil's friend before he was eventually given away and Phil wanted nothing more to do with him.

"Up and at 'em, Danny," Alex said motivationally as they prompted Dan to get a move on.

"Don't call me Danny," he grumbled, "it's just Dan."

"Sure thing D-Dog," Alex said, "I'll leave you and Philadelphia cheese to it."

"I hate cheese," Phil called after Alex's escaping figure and at the same time Dan hollered after them.

"It's Dan!"

There was a brief moment of silence that could have rapidly turned awkward if not for Phil's easy smile and questioning, "D-Dog?"

"Philly Cheese?" Dan questioned in return.

"I hate cheese," Phil repeated, this time with an endearing pout and a snort of laughter that Dan found to be contagious.

They soon found themselves to be laughing together over the ridiculous nicknames that Alex had decided to give them.

"I wonder what Peter's face would look like if he heard me being called D-Dog?" Dan wondered, "do you think I should tell everyone to address me like that from now on?"

"I mean it would be worth it for the look on Peter's face but do you think that you could live with answering to that nickname for the rest of your career?" Phil asked.

"My career?" Dan wondered.

"Nicknames go down in history, D-Dog," Phil said.

"If D-Dog goes down in history then I'll make sure that Philly Cheese does too," Dan threatened.

"Lot's of people love cheese," Phil said, "but D-Dog just sounds like a failed rapper."

"Wow, even when it comes to shitty nicknames I'm still pulling the short straw," Dan mumbled, "hey, anyway, was there something that you needed?"

"I came to tell you to make a move," Phil admitted, "we're working together today and I don't fancy finishing late because you can't keep your eyes open after last night."

"Do you hear yourself when you talk?" Dan wondered, "like, do the words sound the same way to you as they do to me?"

"What do you mean?" Phil asked.

"The fact that you have to even ask that proves that you have no idea what you just said," Dan said with barely concealed amusement.

"Dan," Phil said with a whine that somehow stretched Dan's name out, "you sound like PJ."

Just like that Dan felt his heart drop through the floor beneath him and plummet down through space as though it defied the laws of zero gravity.

"PJ?" Dan wondered, hoping that he seemed nonchalant, he couldn't remember Phil ever mentioning a PJ throughout their chats.

"My friend, best friend," Phil elaborated, "we've known each other since we were about twelve."

"Oh?" Dan said and he couldn't help but hope that the way that his voice raised with the barely concealed jealousy wasn't noticeable to Phil.

"Yeah, we've grown a little bit apart in the time that's passed, you know what it's like to grow up," Phil murmured with a sad smile, "but he would always tease me about the things I would say without explaining any further too."

"Great minds think alike, I guess."

"I guess," Phil repeated in agreement, "now come on and get dressed, we have things to do today, you're stuck with my company so we may as well get a head start."

Dan watched as Phil left - giving him the privacy to change - maybe there was something metaphorical about the way his eyes lingered on Phil's retreating form, or maybe it was just instinctive to watch him leave.

Either way, Dan couldn't help but wish that Phil would turn around, just once, before he left.

It was just a simple crush - nothing more - he would get over it in no time at all. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you liked the chapter!! idk if you noticed but i changed my name here and on tumblr to @amczingphil :) the idea of phil writing shitty phanfics is hilarious you feel? 
> 
> fanfic rec:  
> [The Evening Glow](https://phanarchy.tumblr.com/post/170978988138/the-evening-glow) by phanarchy   
> Summary: Dan hasn’t had the best luck when it comes to blind dates, so when Louise recommends he date her friend Phil, he’s skeptical. But even when he begins to fall for Phil, he can’t shake his crush for the attractive cashier at ASDA who he knows only as Lester.


	10. day sixty-three

Dan wrinkled his nose in disgust as he watched crumbs float out of Charlie's mouth spin through the air with a peculiar reckless abandon, Dan wasn't the only one to be staring at them, he could see Alex from the corner of his eye dodging a small group of them that were floating towards their head. Charlie was chewing at a biscuit while simultaneously trying to retell a story for the third time because every time he would get into it someone would decide to try and interrupt him.

If Charlie's stories were more interesting then maybe Dan would have felt sorry for him, but as it was the constant interruptions were the only thing that provided them with any sort of amusement. Watching the way his face slowly turned from it's slightly tanned colour to that of a person who had spent hours in the sun without sun cream to protect them was amusing. Although Dan noticed that Phil  was always careful to cut off the fun before it went too far.

The colour of Charlie's face when he was annoyed was always amusing  - sometimes Dan wondered whether he was trying to cosplay as a tomato - but he could remember Peter warning him about Charlie's temper and he was in no mood to see how that scenario would play out. There was a thin line between playful teasing and going too far, and Dan would rather not die because Charlie had lost control of his temper and put a hole in the side of the space station, allowing all of their oxygen to escape.

"Then there was a huge bang and we all shit ourselves but when we turned around it was-"

"A massive troll," Alex interjected, "with snot and drool running down it's face, dripping from it's chin, and falling into puddles on the floor."

"No, no, you're wrong," Charlie said quickly, "it was actually just my friend-"

"Colwin, the greatest knight from the West of the country, he was said to be able to ride any horse without any apparatus and no one else could live up to his social standing."

"Shut up, Alex," Charlie said in annoyance, "and I think you mean tack, not apparatus."

"Nope," Alex said with a smirk, "I mean anything that will annoy you."

"You're such a dick," Charlie said.

"Actually that would be you," Alex said rolling their eyes, "I'm not the one trying to put everyone to sleep with their shitty stories of anticlimactic events."

"It wasn't anticlimactic," Charlie insisted, "it was funny, I promise, you would laugh if you just let me finish telling you about it."

"Look, Charlie, I haven't laughed at a single story that you've told yet, what makes you think that this one is going to be the one that suddenly convinces me that you're some amazing stand up comedian?" Alex asked.

The arguments between Charlie and Alex were always playful and there was never any malicious intent, it was just banter, unlike when Dan and Phil had been at each other’s throats during the beginning of their time on the Space Station. 

"You're so annoying," Charlie said with a distinctive whine, "Phil, can you help me out here?"

"No way am I getting involved in this one," Phil said, "this is my downtime before we have to work, so if you two are trying to ruin it, me and Dan will go somewhere else."

"We will?" Dan asked, his head snapping around in shock to face Phil who was looking far too calm for what he had just said. Didn’t he realise that his words had just made Dan’s heart do somersaults in his chest? 

"Of course," Phil said as though it should have been obvious.

"We will," Dan said, repeating his earlier words without the questioning tone.

It was a strange feeling for Dan to know that someone wanted to spend time with him, it was a completely new experience. He was far too used to people getting annoyed by his presence and wishing he would either shut up or go away.

Dan had a habit of talking to the point where he would drive people to insanity, the weirdest thing was that he wasn't even an extrovert. He was one of the most introverted people going, but he just couldn't stand the thought of being in the grips of an awkward silence. He felt personally responsible for the enjoyment of those around him and whenever he was in a social situation he would be the first person to show up with snacks and a list of things that they could all do to pass the time.

It had been a huge surprise to Dan when he had found out that Phil was just as insanely over the top about making sure that people were having a good time as he was. In fact Phil was essentially an encyclopaedia of ice breakers. He had even admitted to Dan that he had a folder in his phone filled with a list of various ice breakers that he could pull out on a whim to entertain those around him. That in itself wasn’t the weirdest part, what blew Dan's mind was the fact that not only did Phil have the folder on his phone but he also had a handwritten copy of all of his elusive ideas hidden away in a folder in his house so that he would have a backup if anything ever happened to his phone.

Dan had stared at him in silence for a few moments after hearing that unsure how to respond, his heart had stuttered worryingly but all he could think about was how  _ adorable  _ Phil was. He was constantly amazed and surprised by the older man and he never wanted that feeling to end.

Dan was under no illusions that he was falling for Phil. He had initially thought that he was in the midst of a 'friendship crush' but after a few days of serious internal reflection he had come to realise that he was simply trying to ignore the fact that he was seriously crushing on the guy that he had resented for weeks.

Not only was Dan trying to come to terms with the fact that he was crushing on his friend and previous enemy, but he was also having to deal with the fact that Phil was a  _ guy. _

Dan had never considered himself to be gay. He had always thought that girls were pretty hot and he’d had girlfriends in the past. He may have passed the odd guy in the street and thought that they were something special, but he never considered that he might be attracted to them.

He could remember the word 'bisexual' being thrown around a lot when he was in university but he had never given it much thought because that wasn't him. Or at least he hadn't thought it was. He was beginning to wonder whether his teenage self should have been a little more open to things, maybe he would have realised some truths about himself earlier. The only problem was that that label didn't  _ fit.  _

"Dan," Phil murmured waving his hand in front of Dan's eyes and Dan couldn't help but be surprised by how blue Phil's eyes were looking that morning as he caught glimpses between his fingers, "Dan, Earth to Danny boy."

"Don't call me Danny boy," Dan mumbled, resisting the urge to physically shake his head to rid himself of the thoughts that had been filling it.

"There he is," Phil said with a smile, "he lives."

"I think the fact that I'm breathing it evidence enough to prove that I'm alive," Dan murmured with a gentle smile, it was easy to forget that there was anyone else in the room and he could almost pretend that it was just him and Phil.

"I don't know, you could be an incredibly realistic robot," Phil said.

"Or an alien," Charlie piped up.

"Thanks for your contribution," Phil said and if Dan was right there was definitely a tone of annoyance in Phil’s voice, as though he was annoyed that they had been interrupted. Maybe he wished that there was only the two of them in the room too? Or maybe that one was just wishful thinking on Dan’s part.

"If you think about it we all are aliens to the aliens." Alex piped up.

"That doesn't make any sense at all," Charlie said.

"Sure it does," Alec said, "the aliens will look at us and consider us to be the aliens, when we look at them and think that they are the aliens."

"Technically neither of us would be wrong either," Phil said.

"You're not joining in are you?" Dan asked quietly.

"I mean if you think about it in this context an alien is described as ‘a hypothetical or fictional being from another world' and if we took it as an actual being rather than a hypothetical being then both sides could accurately consider the others to be an alien."

"Wow," Dan murmured, reaching out and poking Phil in the cheek, "you're just a giant nerd aren't you."

Phil swatted his had away with a laugh, "it's just basic knowledge."

"Basic knowledge, my ass," Dan said with a snort, "fight me Lester."

"Name a time and a place and I'll hand your ass to you."

"Alright," Charlie said loudly, "I'm leaving before the ass talk becomes less violent and more flirtatious."

"What?" Dan asked.

"Nothing, I have things to do," Charlier said quickly, "are you coming, Alex?"

"Uh, sure, yeah," Alex stammered as they made their way after Charlie, "yeah, I don't really want to be here for the next step."

"What the fuck are they on about?" Dan asked Phil.

"There's probably certain things that you aren't ready to know about yet," Phil said with a snort.

"What does that mean?" Dan asked in frustration, he was almost ready to tear his hair out and scream.

There was nothing about his life that made sense in those moments when people made suggestive comments that Dan felt he was meant to understand, but didn’t. He was struggling to come to terms with his crush, he was suddenly realising that he wasn't exactly  _ straight _ and he was struggling to come to terms with it all while on a space station and having the people around him making confusingly vague comments.

"Don't worry your pretty little head about it," Phil said.

"Yeah, they were right, I don't want to be here for this one either," Rosa said making herself known from the corner of the room where she had been sipping a coffee and reading through a book before they started their work.

Dan almost jumped out of his skin with shock as she spoke, and for some reason he felt himself grow warmer in the cheeks as the situation caught up with him. He wasn't really sure why, but he essentially felt as though he was a kid who had just been caught sticking his hands in the cookie jar. It was strange. He hadn't done anything wrong. Had he?

"Uh, yeah," Dan mumbled, "see you later Rosa."

"Uh huh," she murmured and there was a deeper meaning behind her words, something that he wasn’t sure he would ever understand, "Alex is going to win the bet; that smarmy bastard."

"Wow, she's in a weird mood."

"Oh, Dan you're so oblivious, it's adorable."

"I'm not oblivious in the slightest, I know exactly what's going on," Dan said.

"Oh yeah, what?" Phil asked sounding far too hopeful for the question.

"Uh-" Dan faltered, he hadn’t been expecting Phil to call his bluff, the truth was that he had absolutely no idea what was going on.

He had noticed the strange whispers and hushes as he made his way into rooms. He knew that there was something happening, but he just didn't know anything about what was going on. All he did know was that there was something happening, and he was the only one who was in the dark.

Well, that wasn't completely true. He was slightly unsure as to whether Phil actually knew what was going on. Sometimes Phil would say something or join in on the banter in ways that made Dan think that he knew more than he was letting on, and then at other moments, Phil would frown in confusion and ask what they were laughing at.

Sometimes Dan thought that there was a chance that Phil was only saying that he was oblivious to get on his nerves. Or maybe Phil had a different train of thought in mind, and he was thinking that there was something completely different going on than was the reality.

Honestly, Dan could see that being the case.

"I told you, you have no clue what is going on," Phil said with a wide grin.

"Maybe you don’t have much of an idea either," Dan said with a challenging smirk.

"Oh yeah?" Phil asked cocking an eyebrow in a way that should not have been attractive but Dan couldn't help but think about Phil looking at him that way in a darkened room.

"Yeah," Dan murmured and he hoped that Phil wouldn't be the kind of person to mention that his voice had cracked.

"Dan," Phil whispered as he moved closer to Dan and caused his breath to catch in his throat.

"Yeah?" Dan asked hoarsely, Phil was right there in his personal space and for the first time, Dan found that he didn't care about there being a person in his little bubble.

"Are you alright?" Phil asked.

He was so close that Dan could feel his breath brushing against his face, it was warm and minty and Dan wanted to lean in closer. He wanted to capture Phil's lips with his own and find out if they felt as soft as they looked.

Dan jerked backwards.

"I'm fine," he said quickly, putting some distance between Phil and himself so that those temptations wouldn't overcome him. He wasn't sure about how much self restraint he had, and he wasn't really sure that kissing Phil was the right way to go about finding out about the degree of control that he  _ did  _ have.

A small smile caused those beautiful lips Dan had been admiring to curve deliciously.

"Good, maybe we should get to work then."

Dan couldn't help but to feel relieved that he wasn't working with Phil that day, he wasn't sure that he was going to be able to ever work with him again.

Once upon a time Dan would have dreaded the thought of working with Phil because he couldn't stand the presence of the guy and he wanted nothing more than to throw him out of the airlock. He had wanted to send him careering back to earth without so much as a parachute to protect him from a hard landing.

It was funny how much things changed; now Dan was against working with Phil because he was terrified that he wouldn't be able to stop himself from doing something that would be impossible for him to take back.

There was nothing subtle about kissing your best friend, if he did that then there was nothing that he would be able to say to disguise the fact that he was falling for his friend.

"Hey, Dan," Phil's voice was more serious and it caught Dan's attention straight away, "you seem like you're struggling a little with something but I just want you to know that there is nothing that you have to hide from me. If you ever need to talk or rant, I'm right here. I've been told that I'm a pretty good listener."

"That's sweet of you," Dan said quietly, "but this thing that I'm working through is the kind of thing that you tell people once you've figured out things for yourself."

"Maybe you think that," Phil said, "but there's nothing in the world that you have to do alone, there's always support there when you need it."

Dan nodded to himself, "thanks, Phil," he whispered.

"Anytime," Phil said, "now go on, get to work, I'll see you tonight?"

"At the window?" Dan asked, it wasn't really a question that either of them needed to ask but he did so anyway because the reassurance that Phil would be there meant more to Dan than he could explain.

"At the window," came the confirmation from Phil, before he disappeared to find out where Rosa had skulked off to.

The small agreement brought a smile to Dan's face, was that what it was like to have a person for himself? A person who he could talk to about everything? A person who had a special place that they would meet him at?

The only thing that wasn't so great was that their special place was on the International Space Station, they wouldn't be able to just visit it whenever they wanted to, there was nothing they could do about that once they were back on Earth. 

Then again, there was the downside in that they wouldn't be able to visit it to their heart's content, but they would have the knowledge that they had fallen in love in space.

How many people could say that they had met the love of their life in space?

Dan brought himself up short;  _ love _ ? There was nothing even close to love happening. Dan had a simple crush on his friend. Colleague. Phil was a colleague, there was nothing else to it than that. In fact if it wasn't even for his work he wouldn't even know that there was a Phil Lester on the Earth.

"There's my partner," Charlie's cheery voice came through the doorway, "and Lester isn't here which means I'm safe to enter."

"Phil would never hurt anyone," Dan said immediately jumping to Phil's defence.

"Oh, I know," Charlie said with a snort, "that's not what I was worried about."

"Then what were you worried about?" Dan asked.

"You don't want to know," Charlie said, "and that's all I'm saying on the subject, now come on, we have work to do."

Dan couldn’t help that he was performing all his tasks at a slower speed that day as he found himself being constantly distracted by thoughts of Phil. Various labels were floating around in his mind but none of them seemed right, they were probably fitting for other people but for Dan they just didn't work.

Then came the other problem; why should he have to assign a label to himself? Why should he have to label himself based on who he found attractive? Why couldn't it just be a given that he was attracted to the people that he was attracted to? After all it was only his business and it was up to him who he told, or didn't tell.

That was when it hit him, like a punch to the chest and a simultaneous weight off his shoulders. The realisation that he didn't  _ have  _ to label himself was the most freeing thing that had ever crossed Dan's mind.

He was attracted to Phil, that was that. He didn't need to label himself in any way. He could just live his life being who he was without caving into the need for society to have another way to categorise him and fit him into a specific group that made sense for them.

He didn't have to make sense for anyone other than himself, and if he just happened to make sense to Phil then that was an added bonus.

Dan didn't know much about love, but he was fairly certain that there was the possibility for something special to happen between him and Phil.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you like, i'm sorry for any mistakes but my head is pounding and i feel like im about to pass out
> 
> fic rec:  
> [candid ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10740630)by huphilpuffs  
> summary: It was an accident, developing a habit of taking candid pictures of Dan, but Phil didn't regret it.


	11. day seventy-five

"There," Phil murmured as he pointed his finger enthusiastically without realising that the window was in front of him, his finger made a weird squeaking noise as it bumped against the glass. Phil's hands were sweaty which, Dan thought,  meant that Phil was nervous.

That was more interesting to Dan than anything that was coming out of Phil's mouth, why would he be nervous about being by Dan's side? They had gathered together at the window countless times in order to stare down at the Earth in amazed wonder. In fact, it was nice for Dan to be able to stare down at the Earth with unabashed awe without being judged by anyone, so why would Phil be suddenly nervous about it?

Phil wouldn't judge him, or at least if he did then he would be deemed one hell of a hypocrite because Phil also stared down at the Earth during their time together as though he was enchanted by it. Dan knew this because half the time he wasn't even looking out of the window; he was looking at Phil.

He would watch how Phil's eyes would widen as they stared at the planet as it was shrouded in the darkness of night and the lights that lit up the ground and showcased the major cities and roads all the way up to them in Space. He would watch as Phil's lips would part in wonderment and listen carefully as his breath whistled ever so slightly whenever he exhaled.

At the beginning of their mission Dan had thought that nothing would ever compare to the sight of the Earth from the International Space Station but he realised how wrong he was, there was nothing on or off the Earth that could compare to Phil Lester.

Phil held the galaxy in his eyes, maybe a person with lesser knowledge of the universe would have compared his eyes to that of a beautiful, mediterranean ocean but Dan knew better. Phil's eyes were filled with stardust, they were everything that made up the sights around them, they were impossibly magical and yet completely and utterly real and there was nothing that Dan could do to stop himself from melting at the sight of them.

He was just surprised that Phil hadn't caught him staring yet.

"Where?" Dan asked after a few moments, realising that his prolonged silence may have been weird for Phil.

"There," Phil repeated as he jabbed his finger in the same direction, that time he was careful not to hit the  glass, "can't you see it? It's literally one of the brightest spots."

"No, no, I see it now," Dan murmured, "it just took me a moment."

"It's strangely beautiful from up here," Phil said, "I wouldn't have thought that it would have been but I guess that it makes sense after all Las Vegas is very bright."

"Imagine all the people down there, snorting crack and hooking up with random people that they will never see again unless they drunkenly marry them," Dan said, "it's strange to think that a place with such bizarre things going on could look so bright."

"It's not all bad down there," Phil said and Dan was fairly sure that he wasn't only talking about Las Vegas, "some places are just known for the bad and not the good."

"When someone says Las Vegas the first thought is always gambling or drugs," Dan said.

"That's not true though, there are still people down there working in hospitals and volunteering for charities," Phil said, "there are people just coasting through their lives and trying their best and there is nothing wrong with that. Las Vegas is not just all the bad things about, you know?"

"I know, I know," Dan muttered, "it's just easier to focus on the negatives than it is to focus on the positives."

"I think that goes for most things in life," Phil agreed, "but it takes a different type of strength and faith in the Earth to smile and look at the brightest parts of it."

Phil spoke with such an earnest truth that Dan wanted nothing more than to listen to him. He wanted to be able to look at the Earth and see the same beauty that Phil saw, he wasn't sure how much different the view would be but he was sure that there had to be more brightness in it than there was in Dan's.

"You alright?" Phil asked.

Phil was good at that, he always wanted to stop Dan and ask him how he was doing, almost as though the answer actually mattered. Maybe it did to Phil, but Dan couldn't care less about how he, himself, was doing.

"I'm grand," Dan muttered.

"Are you?" Phil asked.

"Of course, why do you ask?" Dan asked feigning ignorance.

"Well, tomorrow is kind of a big day for everyone," Phil asked.

"It'll be fine," Dan said.

Dan honestly didn't want to talk about it but he couldn't help but wish that Phil would push for more details because he  _ wanted  _ to spill his guts to Phil. He wanted to confess all of his feelings and talk through them with him because that meant that Phil cared enough to listen and he cared enough to actually take into account what Dan had to say.

Which was dangerous, because Dan didn't  _ do  _ trust. He didn't like to spill his secrets to people he barely knew, in fact, he barely like to spill his secrets to the people he knew well. One of the most awkward experiences of his life had been when he had gone through the rigmarole of having to talk to NASA's therapist to ensure that he was mentally fit enough for space travel.

It was frightening to think that if he had so much as said one wrong thing then he would have had a black mark against his name which would have meant that there was no chance of him ever going to Space. Just one wrong comment that would allow them to ruin his entire career with absolutely no remorse.

"Come on, you can talk to me," Phil murmured reassuringly.

"I know I can," Dan said, "I'm just not sure exactly what it is that you want to hear from me."

"Well, preferably the truth," Phil said, "but I feel like there isn't much that could pull that out of you if you weren’t willing to give it."

"I am perfectly willing to contribute my feelings but there is nothing on my mind," Dan muttered and even he could tell that there was no way that Phil would buy his lies. 

"Dan," Phil said quietly, "it's alright to be worried, things went really bad last time."

"That was a fluke," Dan muttered, mostly to himself, "there's no guarantee of it ever happening again."

"We're going outside to set up the same experiment that went so wrong last time," Phil said, "that surely can't be easy for you to deal with."

"It's fine, it's going to be fine, there isn't anything that I need to work through."

"Everyone needs some help sometimes," Phil said.

"Phil, seriously I'm fine, I'm going to be able to do the mission to my fullest capacity there is nothing stopping me."

"I'm not going to push you," Phil promised, "it wouldn't do any good for either of us to be honest."

"Good," Dan murmured, "now, first one to spot New York gets a point."

"You're running behind on the points, your lacking knowledge of American geography is seriously affecting your score," Phil said, "so why do you keep challenging me to find American places?"

Dan couldn't answer that question, he couldn't explain why he was so eager to let Phil win, he couldn't explain why he loved the way that Phil's face lit up whenever he won a point in their meaningless game.

The points didn't mean anything in the slightest, it was just another excuse for them to pass the time and  stare at the world in wonderment. Not that Dan thought he needed an excuse to do so, but the game made it so that he could spend time with Phil.

Besides, Dan likes the way that Phil embraced all their stupid games, it was entertaining to see someone that was actually older than him play with such unbridled enthusiasm.

Dan  _ was  _ worried about the mission that they would be going on the next day, in fact when he spent too long thinking about it he found that his fingers would tremble and his breath would be slightly more shallow, almost like he was reliving the feeling of running out of oxygen in his suit. The only thing that was missing was the complete terror that he had felt encompass him at the time of the disaster.

Logically he knew that it was a completely normal reaction to what could have been the destruction of his life, he knew that there was nothing abnormal about the way that he felt about going back into space but that wasn't good enough for him. If NASA found out that one of their astronauts was scared of going back into space then they would drop him faster than he would be able to process.

He couldn't even talk it through with the therapist that they spoke to regularly on the phone; it was a mandatory thing - apparently there were a ton of regulations about making sure that their astronauts were mentally stable and coping with the pressures of space travel.

Of course Dan wasn't telling them about his fear, was that selfish of him? Was he risking his own and his teammates lives just so that he could could continue on with living his dream? Maybe that was wrong of him, but the thought of going back to Earth with the knowledge that he would never be able to  return to space was more heartbreaking than he cared to admit.

Maybe he couldn't talk anything through with his therapist but that didn't mean that he had to keep it to himself. Maybe he could speak to Phil and admit how he was feeling, they had been growing very close over the few weeks together in space and Dan couldn't deny that he was the one he trusted the most out of everyone.

Phil was just a constant in his life, he gave Dan a sense of solidarity that Dan wasn't sure that he could have found from anyone else.

"I'm scared," Dan admitted.

"You're scared," Phil repeated in a tone that implied that it was a fact that he had already known, "that makes complete sense, I would actually be a little worried if you were thinking about going back out into space without any concerns."

"Trust me," Dan said with a bitter laugh, "I have plenty of those."

"That's not necessarily a bad thing unless you let it be," Phil said.

"Well thanks for that Yoda," Dan said sarcastically, "I think that almost anyone would be able to deduce that."

"Hey," Phil yelped with mock offense, "I'm trying my best here."

"I know, I know."

"You're right though," Dan said, "there isn't anything you can say to change the fact that I'm scared about going back out into space, but it won't stop me from going."

"That's brave of you," Phil remarked.

"Brave?" Dan asked, "is it? Or is it just stupidity?"

"Why would it be stupid?" Phil asked.

"Well, what if I put others in danger because I flip out about being out there?"

"What if you don't?" Phil asked.

"That's not a risk I should be making," Dan murmured, "you're going to be out there too, aren't you a little more concerned that I won't be able to support you?"

"Dan, that is the least of my concerns," Phil said, "I know you, and I know that no matter how terrified you are, you'll snap out of it if someone else is in trouble."

"That's a lot of faith," Dan said.

"You've earned that sort of faith."

"Have I?"

"Of course, why would you think otherwise?" Phil asked as he turned to face Dan, their game was obviously forgotten.

"Because I treated you like like shit," Dan said, "I set out to make your life as miserable as possible, I purposefully went out of my way to ensure that I was making things as hard as I could for you."

"I know," Phil said simply.

"If you know then why are you still talking to me?"

"Because I retaliated," Phil said with a shrug, "I reached the point where I enjoyed getting revenge and I was also setting out to make your life just as miserable as you were trying to make mine."

"We really messed this up didn't we?" Dan asked with a laugh.

"We did," Phil agreed, "but it's alright because we can both move on now, I've forgiven you for everything that happened in the past, now it's time that you forgive yourself."

"That's easier said than done you know?"

"I know," Phil said, "but I also know that you're a good person Dan."

"No one's ever called me that before," Dan said quietly, "it's a strange thing to be called. Like, it's the acknowledgement from someone else that maybe you're not as shitty as your brain leads you to believe, maybe you can actually be someone that makes a difference."

"You think about the world a lot differently than most people," Phil commented.

"Yeah, is that a bad thing?" Dan asked.

"Not unless you make it one," Phil said, "thinking about the world is fine, until you think too much and lose your faith."

"We aren't talking about my faith in the world right now," Dan said, "we're talking about my fear about leaving the ISS."

"They're all interconnected in a way."

"Sure they are  Mr Philosophical," Dan said rolling his eyes

" _ Phil _ osophical."

"I will literally throw you out of the airlock," Dan said.

"No you won't, you like me too much."

Dan could feel himself gaping like a fish, did Phil know? Could he know? Was Dan so oblivious that he was showcasing his feelings to the entire team? Did everyone know that he was hopelessly falling for Phil and had no way of stopping himself?

"We've become really good friends over the past few weeks there's nothing that would annoy you enough to throw me out of the ISS," Phil elaborated, oblivious to Dan's mild brain fritz.

"I can think of a few reasons," Dan muttered as he tried to force his heart back into a normal rhythm, the fear of Phil realising that he had been secretly in love with him was almost too much for Dan to comprehend.

"Do you want to talk about tomorrow?" Phil asked quietly, losing the joking edge to his tone, and looking at Dan with more seriousness.

"There's not really much to talk about?" Dan said.

"Isn't there?" Phil wondered, "you're anxious and worried about the EVA tomorrow and there is nothing you can do to stop yourself from feeling that fear but talking about it is something that we can do to at least reassure you a little bit."

"It's going to be fine," Dan murmured.

"Who are you trying to convince?" Phil wondered aloud, "because you sure as heck aren't convincing me with that argument."

"I don't know," Dan admitted.

He wanted Phil to trust him, he wanted that more than anything else in the world, but if he didn't trust himself not to succeed at the mission, how could he expect anyone else to?

"I screwed up," Dan said quietly, "that experiment going wrong was my fault, I didn't give it my full attention."

"Dan we knew how risky it was, there was a high chance that that could have happened regardless, you didn't do anything wrong."

"I didn't do anything right either," Dan said, repeating his argument, "I was distracted and I wasn't giving it my full attention."

"That's one thing that you can change then at least," Phil said, "you can go into the experiment tomorrow having learned from the situation, you can give it your fullest attention and you can prevent that from happening again."

"I can't though, I'm going to be thinking about it constantly," Dan said, "I won't stop thinking about how I made everything go so wrong the last time."

"Then maybe you should accept that you can't do the experiment." Phil said bluntly.

"No, I have to," Dan said quickly, "it's my experiment, my reputation depends on it and I already fucked it up once, there's no way I could possibly just let it go."

"So we have a problem," Phil said, "you don't believe that you can do it but you don't want to give up on it which means that the real problem here is your confidence."

"Now you sound like my high school English teacher," Dan muttered wryly.

"I could have been an English teacher you know," Phil said, "I almost applied to study Linguistics at university."

"You would have been good at that you know," Dan said.

"I know," Phil said with the fullest amount of confidence that honestly made Dan feel envious, "but this is where I'm meant to be."

"Yeah, I wouldn't want to be standing here with anyone other than you," Dan's honestly was painful but he wasn't about to let those words go unsaid, Phil needed to know how appreciated he was.

"We're not exactly standing you know," Phil said with a cheeky grin that would have once been annoying but Dan found it to be one of the most endearing things, "we can't exactly stand in zero gravity."

"Oh you know what I meant though," Dan said with a snort, "I wouldn't want anyone else to be floating next to me."

"You're right, that sounds stupid," Phil said, "floating has implications that there is magic involved when the truth is it's just cold, hard physics at work."

"Way to crush every seven year old's imagination."

"There aren't any seven year old kids up here so I think I'm safe with that one."

"Or so you think," Dan muttered.

"You're really good at deflecting you know?" Phil asked, "even when you want to talk to me about how you're feeling, you always manage to twist the conversation so that you're no longer feeling vulnerable and I think that it's something that you do subconsciously."

"You're right," Dan agreed, "but you know something? I've been more honest with you in the last hour or so than I have ever been with anyone else. The things that I've told you are more than enough for you to ruin my career as an astronaut, but I trust you."

"Don't worry, I trust you too," Phil said, "and I trust you enough to complete your experiment tomorrow and once it's done you will realise that your fears were unfounded."

"That's kind of you," Dan said.

"I’m just being honest," Phil said, "we all depend on each other while we're out there. If I lied then I would be putting the entire team at risk and I wouldn't have that on my conscious."

"You sure know how to compliment someone."

"Shut up," Phil said with a snort, "and keep looking for New York."

"Alright, alright," Dan said rolling his eyes and hiding the smile that crept onto his face.

Phil made him feel warm inside, he was able to acknowledge Dan's flaws and fears and build him up rather than criticise him for his anxieties about doing what most people would tell him was just his job and he should be able to get on with it.

Despite all of that, Dan couldn’t help but feel the apprehension about the next day’s EVA trickle through him. He didn’t want to be the reason that Phil was in danger, it was one thing to risk their life by going outside of the Space Station but Dan couldn’t help but feel that he was going to inadvertently cause Phil harm. He couldn’t bear the thought of doing such a thing. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you liked the chapter!! thank you so much for sticking with me (and it)!! come find me on tumblr [@amczingphil](http://amczingphil.tumblr.com/)
> 
> fic rec:  
> [A Stranger I Know Well ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8676988)by SoManyRegrets  
> summary: “Phil’s got a secret boyfriend," Louise said. "That no one knows about.”
> 
> “That is what ‘secret’ means, yes,” Phil told her kindly, patting her head and offering her one of the remaining chairs.
> 
> “Does he not go to this school?” Caspar asked, kindlier still. “Does he live in Canada?”
> 
> Phil has a secret boyfriend, and everyone wants to know.


	12. day seventy-six

"Today's the day," Peter announced looking far more excited than Dan thought that he had any right to.

There was no reason for him to be looking so enthusiastic as they were about to leave the safety of the International Space Station so that they could repeat the experiment that had almost killed Dan the last time that they had attempted it.

"We know," Rosa muttered, breaking Dan out of his thoughts, "it's all that Charlie has been harping on about for the last two hours. Ever since he woke up it's just been a constant ramble about the EVA and how excited he is to get started. He's not even going outside, he's just excited for no reason."

“This is groundbreaking,” Charlie argued, “we should all be excited, if this goes well then we’ll go down in history.”

"Well then, maybe we can swap and you can go outside instead of me," Dan muttered, "I'm happy for that, and I'm pretty sure that no one else will be arguing the idea. It also means that it will be your name plastered on the front covers of the newspapers."

"There is one fatal flaw in your plan there Dan," Peter announced, his german accent thicker with barely concealed amusement.

"Oh yeah, what's that?" Dan asked curiously.

"I assigned this experiment to you, not to Charlie," Peter said, "which means that you will be the one to complete it."

Dan scoffed to himself when he was sure that Peter couldn’t see, he didn't understand why it was so important to that he was the one who had to complete the experiment. It wouldn't make much difference to him or to anyone else if someone else took responsibility for the safety of his teammates. So maybe he wouldn’t be the one to get all the credit, but that wasn’t significant to Dan, all he cared about was not killing anyone.

The situation had given him an interesting reality check; he had once thought that he needed to do something important and make a difference in order to be successful in his job. He thought that making it big was enough to prove that he was a good astronaut, but maybe he was learning that being a good astronaut just meant that he didn’t endanger his teammates.

"Hey, it's going to be alright," Dan heard a gentle, familiar voice whisper by his side.

Phil. Somehow he always knew when Dan was needing his reassurance the most.

"Is it though?" Dan asked him quietly enough so that no one else would be able to hear them talking, "I don't get how you can have so much faith in me. There is no way for you to know how well this experiment is going to go and there is nothing that you can say that will convince me to believe that it's all going to be alright."

"Dan, come on," Phil said and Dan finally turned to face him. His expression was so understanding that it was almost painful for Dan to see; he didn’t deserve that understanding.

Part of him wanted to scream and throw things and tell Phil that it was completely ridiculous that he had so much faith when there was every chance that he was going to end up screwing everything up. He wanted Phil to admit that he wasn't completely confident in Dan's ability.

"Come on what?" Dan asked and even he could hear how petty his words sounded.

"You're a good astronaut and that's the end of it," Phil said, "we need to get a move on and get suited up for the EVA."

"But-" Phil was quick to cut Dan off.

"But nothing," he said, "we're going to get suited up, and then you, Peter and I will go outside and set up this experiment and we will come back in here so that I can tell you that I told you so."

"Is that the only reason that you have any faith in me?" Dan asked curiously, "you just want to tell me that you were right?"

"I do love being right," Phil said with a small smirk that simultaneously told Dan that he was joking and made his heart race in his chest in a way that made him wonder whether he was going into atrial fibrillation. Surely it wasn't normal for another person to cause such a reaction in him.

The suiting up process was long, as usual, but fortunately for Dan he wasn't completely bored; the last time that they had suited up Dan had all but memorised the pattern of bolts on the walls of the ISS in his boredom. However rather than waiting in annoyance for enough time to have passed  so that their suits were at the correct pressure they could go outside and get the trauma over with, Dan found that he was staring at Phil.

It was a decidedly  good way for him to pass the time; he enjoyed looking at the way Phil's nose would wrinkle as a strange thought passed through his mind and how he would then snort to himself and shake his head. Dan would have given more than he could say in order to spend just a few minutes in Phil's mind. He would have loved to listen to the random thoughts that would pass through it and the weird trails of thought that would spiral and evolve into various worlds that were equally as bizarre but distinctly _Phil._

"You're in a daydream," Phil said, his voice sounding slightly more electronic as it filtered through the headset that placed underneath the skin tight suit that went inside the EMU suit that he had to wear in order to survive the conditions outside the ISS.

"A daydream or a nightmare?" Dan asked rhetorically.

He wasn't sure if the feelings that he had found spouting up for Phil were a blessing or a curse as everything that Phil did seemed to be a distraction to Dan; he would say something simple and Dan's mind would fly away with it and wonder whether there was more to what he was saying than was obvious. Every sentence was a suggestive comment to the dark recesses of Dan’s mind. Every small action sent Dan's mind spinning in circles and he was becoming dizzy.

Lately, he had even started to wonder what it would feel like to have Phil's lips press against his own, to have their breath mingle and to be able to taste Phil lingering on his lips. Those thoughts were his forbidden fruit and no matter what he told himself he couldn’t deny that he wanted Phil more than he wanted anything else in life.  How was he meant to deal with the fact that there was absolutely nothing platonic about those thoughts?

Dan wanted to be able to sneak up behind Phil and press a gentle kiss against the back of his neck, startling him but then making him laugh and spin around smiling to face Dan.

"Come on, Howell, you were worried about this a few minutes ago," Peter said pulling Dan from his fantasies, "please return to that worrying if it means that you will pay attention to what we must do whilst we are outside of the Station."

"I'm sorry," Dan muttered and he wished that Peter wasn't connected to the radio because he wanted to be able to tell Phil that the zoning out was exactly what he had been concerned about. It was what had concerned him during all of those nights when they had stared down at the Earth and shared their deepest thoughts and feelings with each other.

How could he control a dangerous experiment if he was completely distracted by that tiny little freckle that was just above Phil's left eye? How could he do anything important when he felt as though he was going to have to physically restrain himself so that he wouldn’t reach out and touch it.

"We are almost ready to go," Peter announced, "I would like everyone to be at the monitoring stations before we move into the exit compartment."

Dan felt the air thin around him and logically he knew that there was nothing wrong with the air as his suit was fully functional and was pumping in oxygen with no issues because if there was anything going on then the team would have picked it up on the monitoring equipment and mentioned it to them before they even left the ISS.

Which meant that the thinning of the air was just him. Maybe he was  hyperventilating with the panic that seemed to be overtaking him purely because he was worried about the possibility of things going wrong. Or maybe he was just breathing more shallowly.

"You need to calm down, Dan," Charlie's voice came through the headset alerting everyone to the fact that he was not ok in the slightest.

The problem was that he had momentarily forgotten that the team could see all of his vital signs which meant that they probably knew that he was tachycardic, hyperventilating and hypertensive. He was screwed, that was unless they used the information to cancel the EVA, which he wouldn’t really have minded.

Except what he did mind was the way that Phil turned to look at him with such concern and worry so that Dan felt the need to reassure him, even though that would have meant that they would have to go ahead with the mission outside the station.

"I'm fine," Dan lied and he forced himself to try and calm his own heart rate which he sharply realised was a load of rubbish. It was impossible, he had heard that it was just a matter of forcing himself to breathe slowly but that was not happening, how was someone who was bordering on panic meant to control their breathing?  

"He says he is fine then he is fine," Peter said, "we will go ahead with the Extravehicular Activity."

"You will?" Rosa asked sounding as though she was going to argue.

"Yes," Peter said surely, cutting off the possibility for any other opinions. He was the commander therefore what he said went.

"Look,” Phil said, ignoring Peter’s unspoken warning, “if Dan is feeling unwell then maybe we should reschedule.”

"No, really," Dan said, "I feel fine and I want to get this over with."

"We have already rescheduled this mission because of the disaster of the last time, I do not want to have to do it again. We are already very behind on our schedule because of that and now we must make sure that we take all steps to ensure we complete everything that is needed before we go home.

"This is not a regular job, this is a job in which we have to leave the Earth in order to complete the tasks that we have been assigned. There is no leaving things until tomorrow for the next person to do, if we do not do something then we will be lucky to ever return to space. There is nothing that we would be able to say to convince them to send us back up here.

"NASA wants a team of astronauts that are able to complete all their tasks in the alloted time. They want astronauts who are efficient, they want people who do not waste their time up here. So, apologies if this sounds harsh, but unless Dan passes out or dies before we leave the International Space Station then the experiment will go ahead."

Dan couldn't help but feel a pang of pain as he got the impression that he was being blamed for the mess of the last experiment. To be fair, he did blame himself too but that was no reason for Peter to make him feel worse, he had been beating himself up enough over the mishap.

"That was an accident," Phil said jumping to Dan's defence almost immediately.

It was sweet of him and it sent a warmth through his chest as he thought about how much had changed over the past few weeks. Once upon a time Phil would have been jumping at the chance to take advantage of the weakness that Dan was showing, but instead of using it to tear him down, Phil was trying to help.

"Accidents are accidents but we will not let them compromise the integrity of this mission."

That was all it seemed that Peter was willing to say on the matter. There was a brief moment of silence before Alex's unsure voice filtered through.

"Ok, uh guys?" they said quietly, "all vital signs are kinda stable, all suits are at the right pressure and oxygenated, if you are going outside then now is as good a time as any."

The feeling of leaving the International Space Station was something that would never become normal to Dan, the sound of the hatch that would allow them out was loud and hurt his ears more than he was willing to admit. The feeling of anxiety about having nothing beneath him returned but he managed to mostly ignore it.

If he had survived without falling into the vast nothingness below the last time that he had gone out into space then there was a high chance that he would be able to survive once more.

"We have successfully exited, closing the hatch now," Peter said to the team sitting inside.

Closing the door was quieter, it was more of a hiss than the grinding shriek that it had been before and Dan thought that it sounded like a hissing laughter . It was ominous, and it just added to the pit of unease that was brewing in his stomach.

Images flashed through his mind of the last mission, of him floating away from the Space Station, of Phil rushing after him with a look of terror on his face. The flashes quickened along with his breathing as the memories threatened to consume him.

That was until Phil glanced over and gave him a reassuring smile; just like that the feeling dissipated. A simple smile from Phil was enough to shake his worry. The power behind such a smile was a dangerous thing and Dan knew that if Phil was ever aware of it then he was screwed beyond belief. No man should be able to harness that much power over another.

"Right," Peter said, "time to get this done. Let us move up to the top of the station."

It wasn't Dan's imagination that they were closer to the hatch that would allow them to return to the safety of the Space Station. They were closer to safety which meant that Peter wasn't as sure about the experiment as he was leading them to believe.

Unfortunately that meant that the experiment was also closer to parts of the Space Station that were extremely important to their safety, so if it blew up once more and damaged something then they would all be in danger regardless of whether they were inside or outside. Theoretically they should have moved away completely, as far as their tethers would allow, but if something went wrong that way there would be a very small chance that they would save themselves.

It was all about weighing the pros and cons with the risk to human life.

For a brief moment images of the explosion that had previously occurred flashed through Dan’s mind so vividly that he barely managed to conceal a flinch. What if things went wrong again? What if Dan screwed up to the point where he injured someone? What if there was a chance that he could actually end up killing someone because he just wasn't good enough?

That was the biggest thing that was weighing on Dan's mind: that he wasn't good enough. After everything that he had done and been through in order to make it to space, there was a niggling thought in his brain that he didn't deserve to be there. That he had taken the place of someone who actually had the skills and confidence that he lacked, someone who could have made a difference so that the world could move towards space travel sooner rather than later.

At the end of the day, Dan's presence in the International Space Station alone could cause the world to suffer, even if most people down there wouldn’t know about it. Maybe he wasn't a doctor or someone who would be able to save a life with his actions, but he was working towards the future of space travel which he was sure had to count for something.

If only he could make it through the experiment without hurting anyone on his team.

Thankfully, Dan needn't have worried. Between the panic and small flashbacks, the experiment was a success. He could feel the sweat on his forehead being soaked up by his suit and clinging to his head in a way that made him wish that he could itch it and get rid of the feeling. Proof of the anxiety that had swept through his entire body as he tried to conceal his shaking hand and stuttering heart.

"I told you so," Phil said playfully to him as he let out a loud sigh of relief, neither of them caring that the entire team was able to hear everything that they were saying.

"You did," Dan answered, his eyes still pinned on the stable experiment that was running in front of him as though he expected it to suddenly explode before him.

It was a complicated thing - the experiment - they were working on the efficiency of fuels and how they reacted in space. Not for travel of course, but for sustaining a habitable environment in space.

It was a huge step for them which was why Peter was becoming  incredibly tetchy and worried about everything. Dan understood to an extent, but what he didn't get was why the experiment had been assigned to _him_ , surely if Peter was so concerned about the integrity of his mission then he should have taken responsibility. Or at least that was what made the most sense to Dan.

"You know what this means right?" Phil asked, his voice sounded amused.

"Hm?"

"You have a lot of paperwork to get done," Phil said with an amused glance towards Dan.

"Oh fuck," Dan muttered.

"Dan!" Alex yelped, their voice coming through the headsets loud and sharp causing the three astronauts outside the ISS to wince, "all of our conversations are recorded for headquarters to listen back to."

Dan couldn't help but roll his eyes to himself, he was sure that headquarters had heard worse language than him cursing the amount of paperwork that he would have to fill out just because the experiment had succeeded. There had been a significant amount after the failed experiment, but the successful one was going to give him enough to do for the rest of their time in the space station.

"Alright then" Peter said, "shall we re-enter the space station or would you two like to continually stand there and look pretty."

"I suppose that we can go back inside," Phil said begrudgingly.

Dan paused to look down at the Earth for a moment, it was strange to be able to see it without having the safety of the glass between him and the view. Part of him wondered if he could push himself off the side of the space station and drift all the way back to Earth.

Logically that would depend on him calculating the trajectory correctly so that he moved towards Earth rather than passing over it and ending up soaring off into space for all of eternity.

Of course, even if he managed to make the correct calculations and head towards Earth he wouldn't make it to the ground. He would burn up on re-entry and even if there was some miracle that meant he survived that then he would die upon impact with the ground. Yet he still found it tempting that he could theoretically just disconnect his tether and kick off the side of the space station and head towards the Earth.

It was like when he would walk over a bridge back home and feel the temptation to throw his phone into the river beneath it. Of course, he had the temptation but he had never gone through with it, just like he wouldn’t actually listen to the dark voice telling him to try and float down to Earth.

"Dan," Phil prompted, "you good?"

"Yeah," Dan muttered, "let's go back inside."

He couldn't deny himself one last glance back at the Earth before he made his way towards the hatch where Peter and Phil were hovering, Phil looking distinctly more anxious than Peter, almost as though he knew what was running through Dan’s mind.

That evening the celebrations were loud and went on later into the night than they should have, Dan was aware that they would all regret it when the morning came and they had to be dragged out of bed with less than their recommended amount of sleep, but he was trying not to think about that. He wanted to bask in the joy of the night.

Of course they couldn't have any alcohol, that would have been a bad mix what with the potential for equipment to malfunction at any moment which would require them to be mentally sound to fix it.

But still, between the sips of juice from cartons and the crisps that were floating in the air only to be consumed when they did somersaults in zero gravity and attempted to catch the snacks in their mouths, it was decidedly a good night. It was nice to see everyone let loose; to see Phil laughing, Peter smugly sipping at his juice, Rosa and Alex competing to see who could catch the most crisps in a minute.

Eventually though, it became too much and Dan found himself sneaking off to another compartment to spend some time alone with his thoughts. He had done it and no one had gotten hurt, so why did he still feel his fingers trembling and his chest tightening? Why couldn’t that one victory have changed everything for him? Why was he still so scared?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :D hope you liked!! hmu on tumblr @amczingphil with your thoughts <3
> 
> fic rec:  
> [caught in a landslide](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14259522/chapters/32887281) by huphilpuffs
> 
> Summary: Dan's body has been broken for as long as he can remember, and he's long since learned to deal with it. Sort of. But when his symptoms force him to leave uni and move into a new flat with a stranger named Phil, he finds that ignoring the pain isn't the way to make himself happy.


	13. day ninety-four

“If we see the sun rise sixteen times per day, does that not technically mean that we’re going through sixteen days in a day?” Alex asked as they stared out the window, their nose almost pressed against the glass.

“Are you high?” Dan asked in response, repeating the question to himself in his mind and coming up with no answer.

“What?” Alex responded, looking around to face him with a confused frown. “Of course I’m high. We’re all high, we’re four hundred kilometres above the Earth right now.”

“Oh my God,” Dan muttered to himself. Or at least he had thought that he had muttered it to himself but he was promptly alerted to the fact that he had been overheard by an elbow jabbing him in the ribs.

“Hey,” Phil said. “Don’t knock him, I was just thinking the same thing.”

“You were?” Dan asked, trying not to focus too much on how close to him Phil was sitting.

“Yeah,” Phil said. “I mean, really, think about it. If we have sixteen sunrises in a day, that means we have sixteen days in a day, which means that we age sixteen days every day.”

“No, it doesn’t,” Dan said with a snort. “We age a day every twenty four hours.”

“But do we really?” Phil asked.

“Yes,” Dan answered rolling his eyes fondly. “No matter what you say, you won’t change my mind on this one. We’re not going to be aging at sixteen times the pace just because we see more sunrises and sunsets.”

"Wow, there's no  need to be such a buzzkill," Alex said as they went back to staring out of the window, their breath misting it up slightly from how close they were.

Dan snorted and instead of arguing chose to look at the reflection of Phil in the glass. To anyone else he would have just been staring out at the universe, but in reality he was staring at something even more ethereal and tempting. Did Phil realise how captivating the gentle curves of his lips were? As Dan stared at them, slightly blurry in the image on the glass, he was imagining being able to trace his fingers along them.

It was wrong.

Phil was his friend. In fact, he had completely despised Phil not that long ago, so how was it that he was fantasizing about kissing him? He used to read books as a teenager where the boring, plain - yet beautiful - girl fell in love with the edgy, misunderstood boy after hating him and he would wonder how that was possible? How could someone put all that energy into hating a person, only to realise that they wanted to be the one they woke up next to every morning?

"You seem deep in thought there," Phil said, pulling Dan's from his spiraling wishes. "Everything alright?"

Phil thought that things were better now that Dan had survived his second EVA, but the truth was that he was nowhere near better. If anything, his fears were slowly getting worse and worse with each passing day.

He would focus on everything that could go wrong, he would catastrophize everything and he would find himself unable to relax until things were completed. Except it was reaching the point where it wasn't enough to see small tasks through to the end, he was beginning to count down the days until he would be safely back on Earth. Dan would even listen for the hum of the life support systems and wonder what he would do if it suddenly went silent. 

It wasn't fair. Travelling in space had been his dream, it was something that he had spent years looking forward to and when he had been accepted onto NASA's program, he had been elated. It was all he could talk about at the time, and now it had been ruined. His dreams were tinged by a dark stain and all the fears that people had brought up to try and change his mind when he had told them of his acceptance, were suddenly cropping up on their own.

How was it that his entire reason for being could be ruined so easily?

Dan's grandma had been a strong believer in 'everything happens for a reason', so was his increasing fear and anxiety a sign that he wasn't meant to explore space?

"Dan?" Phil repeated, a tinge of concern maring his gentle voice.

"Sorry," Dan murmured. "What was that?"

"I was asking if everything was alright?"

“Of course it is,” Dan lied. “Why wouldn’t it be?”

“I don’t know,” Phil murmured, looking as though he had a few ideas why Dan was acting so strangely but he didn’t seem willing to voice them. “You’ll tell me if there’s something up?”

“Of course,” Dan lied once more, well, it wasn’t so much a lie as a promise to himself to tell Phil if it was necessary.

As it was he was just considering whether he was actually cut out to be an astronaut. Dan had an unhealthy habit of having to be perfect at something for it to be worth his while, if he was average or mediocre then he began to think that it wasn’t for him.

“Did I ever tell you about the time I met the Holy Mother?” Phil asked in a thinly veiled attempt to distract Dan. Dan was more than aware of what he was doing, but a part of him couldn’t deny that he was curious about this ‘Holy Mother’.

“No,” Dan answered. “I have the feeling that there are a lot of stories that I’ve never heard about you.”

“Well, that would make sense,” Phil said with a shrug. “You’ve known me a considerably short time if you compare it to how long I’ve been alive.”

“Yeah, yeah, you’re old,” Dan muttered. “The story?”

“Alright, alright, relax,” Phil said with a snort. “So, it was back when I was in uni and rather than spending the weekend on the sofa with an astrophysics book and reruns of a show I’d already seen playing in the background, I decided to go out with my housemates and actually try to experience what it was like to be a student.”

“Oh no,” Dan mumbled.

“Yeah, I know, it sounds like a bad idea, but to be honest I had some fun.”

"You had fun?" Dan asked. "At a student's night out?"

"Well, I was also completely wasted within the first hour of being out," Phil admitted. "Which is why I'm not entirely sure that everything I'm going to tell you actually happened, or if it was all some drunken fever dream."

"Couldn't your friends tell you? I mean, if they all had the same experience then it's more like that it wasn't a fever dream."

"Nope," Phil said. "The Holy Mother didn't come to me until I was alone."

"Uh, Phil?" Dan said, suppressing a laugh. "That's not really the kind of story I want to hear about."

"Dan!" Phil yelped, drawing Alex's attention away from the universe outside their window for a split second before they rolled their eyes and looked out again. "That's not what I meant and you know it."

"Alright, alright, I was just messing with you," Dan said. "Come on then, I'll try my best to stop interrupting."

"Somehow I don't think you'll stick to that one, but ok," Phil murmured without any bite. "So after a few hours of drinking more than is recommended, me and my friends abandoned the club we were in and decided to go home."

"Wow, what a night out," Dan muttered, already having abandoned his promise to stop interrupting.

"Shut up," Phil said with a laugh. "It might not have been the longest night out, but trust me, I drank enough for three or four nights out."

"I wasn't there so I'll just have to take your word for it," Dan said.

"You could take my word faster if you shut up," Phil muttered.

"Don't say that I could take anything faster please," Dan said with a snort as his thoughts went to tempting places in his mind.

"Oh my God, not like that you idiot," Phil said. "Just let me tell my story already."

Dan mimed zipping his lips and throwing away the key, it was a stupid action; why would anyone throw away the key to a zip? If it was a zip then it wouldn't have a key, unless it was a zip that then attached to a padlock, but that seemed convoluted and unnecessary. Phil continued speaking, breaking Dan from his strange train of thought.

"Anyways, we made our way home and along the way I found out what it was like to ride in a shopping trolley and a wheelie bin, and what it was like to be tipped out of them both," Phil said. "It's surprisingly scary and painful, if you were wondering."

"I wasn't, but thank you."

"When we got back to the house they all went straight to bed and passed out drunk, but I decided that it was early enough for me to try and read my astrophysics textbook."

"That sounds like the best and worst idea," Dan murmured, before seeing the confused look that Phil was shooting at him. "Come on, every student has been tempted to say 'fuck it' and study drunk."

"That's true," Phil said. "It's not as fun in reality though, the words just jiggle about on the page and it takes ten times as long to read a simple sentence and you forget what you've read as soon as you've read it so you end up reading the same page over and over."

"You basically turned studying into an even bigger hell than it was before."

"I did," Phil agreed with a laugh. "Luckily, it taught me to never study drunk again, and besides I didn't study for long before the Holy Mother arrived. Well, the person who decided that they were going to take me to the Holy Mother."

"Did you go with them?"

"Did I- of course I didn't go with them," Phil said. "Why would I go with a questionable person?"

"I don't know, young people do a lot of stupid shit," Dan said. "Old people too for that matter, in fact, humans in general are just stupid."

"Ok, that's a valid concern, but trust me I wasn't stupid enough to go with the person at the  door who promised me that I could go and meet the Holy Mother."

"Small blessings," Dan murmured.

"Yeah, so this person turned up at the door and asked if I'd like to go with them to meet the Holy Mother. They were wrapped in multiple mismatched shawls and they were staring straight through me, it was creepy," Phil said. "The worst part was that when they asked me to go with them to meet the Holy Mother, they said that she was right upstairs."

"Did you not say that you lived in a house?" Dan asked.

"Exactly," Phil said. "After making sure the door was locked properly about twenty times, I spent the night on the sofa."

"I would too," Dan said. "Although I have to admit that your story about the Holy Mother was mostly you telling me about how wasted you were before introducing her a few minutes before the end of your story."

"Was it at least a good distraction?" Phil asked.

"It was until you reminded me that it was meant to be a distraction," Dan said.

"Which leads us to the obvious part where you explain why exactly you need to be distracted," Phil said.

"I would, but I don't want to go into it right now," Dan said.

"Rain check?"

"Rain check," Dan agreed feeling an immense relief that he was out of hot water temporarily.

There was a gentle lull of silence in which Dan could almost imagine himself leaning into Phil's side and feeling the steady rise and fall of his chest as they sat together peacefully.  Except he couldn't do that, he had to keep his distance as much as it pained him.

"Hey, Dan?" Phil spoke up just in time to pull Dan from his messy thoughts. "Can I ask you something?"

"You just did," Dan answered. "You can ask me something else too though."

"What-" Phil paused, looking like he was rethinking his words and Dan wondered what was so important about his question that it was giving him so many problems.

"What?" Dan prompted, hoping that his light tone was enough to convince Phil to continue.

"Sorry, I was just thinking," Phil murmured. "What's going to happen when we go back to Earth?"

"Oh," Dan said, he was strangely disappointed and he wasn't entirely sure why. He had thought that Phil's hesitance was due to something  _ bigger _ than forgetting the protocols for travelling back to Earth. "You don't remember the briefing we got? I think I have a copy of it somewhere, I can look it out for you?"

"That's not what I meant," Phil admitted. "I was meaning, me and you."

There was a short scuffle as Alex made their way hastily from the room that they were in, their exit was abrupt and left Dan confused but the eager smirk that they shot over their shoulder as they left was even more confusing. He would have thought more on their exit but he realised that he was leaving Phil hanging on for an answer.

"You and me?" Dan asked, his brows pulling together to form a frown.

"Yes, what happens between us?"

Dan's mind went into overdrive and he couldn't help but wonder what exactly Phil had meant by that.

There was the possibility that it had meant absolutely nothing, that he was overthinking things because he wanted there to be a hidden meaning where there was none, but there was also the smaller chance that it had meant  _ something. _

Maybe Phil was testing the waters to advance their friendship into something more when they were finally home and away from all the danger and the responsibility of being on the International Space Station. It was a stupid thought, it was dangerous and led him to believe that there was a chance for them to have something more.

Maybe it was unrealistic for him to follow that train of thought, maybe it was a bad idea in general for him to think about kissing his teammate. Dan was always following bad ideas, hence why he was in the position he was: being terrified of his dream job.

"I don't follow," Dan admitted after a moment, he realised that he had been leaving Phil hanging on the edge of his silence.

"Well, up here we've become pretty good friends, which is great and I've really loved getting to know you," Phil said. "I'm just worried that we're going to end up drifting apart when we go back to Earth."

_ Of course that's not going to happen, I'm falling for you and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I want to spend every waking moment getting to know you better,  _ was what Dan wanted to tell him, but he couldn't say that.

"I like to think that we'll still be good friends," Dan said. "I have no reasons why we wouldn't be."

"I don't know, I can think of a few," Phil admitted.

"Such as?"

"It's just those things, you know?" Phil asked. "It's like when you promise your high school friends that you'll stay in touch, but you all know that those daily messages turn into monthly ones, then weekly, then monthly and eventually you just stop talking and lose touch."

"Yeah, but that's just high school," Dan said as reassuringly as he could. "Teenagers are suddenly unleashed into the world and given more freedom that they could have ever comprehended. They just move on and that's that."

"Yeah, but that might happen to us," Phil said. "I don't even know what your plans are when we go back to Earth."

"Plans?" Dan asked.

"Plans, like are you planning to stay in America, or move back to the UK?" Phil asked.

"Right, those plans," Dan murmured.

The truth was he wasn't entirely sure which one he would be doing, he was tempted to leave the U.S and go home, but doing so would just cement the idea of his being an astronaut over.

"You haven't thought about it?" Phil asked.

"Oh, I have," Dan said. "I've thought about it way too much, but I haven't managed to come to any decisions yet."

"That's fair," Phil said. "There's no pressure to decide."

"What about you?" Dan wondered. "Have you made up your mind what you want to do after we return?"

"I've been thinking about it a lot actually," Phil said. "This is only my second mission, but I think that it might be my last.”

“Your last?” Dan asked, the words coming out as more of a yelp than a question. 

“Yeah, I mean don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love being up here but I was offered a job back in England as a teacher and I told myself that I would think over it during this mission,” Phil said. “I’ve thought enough and now I think I’ve made my decision.”

“What did it?” Dan asked, “What made you decide to retire to teaching?”

“A few things,” Phil admitted, “but mostly it was the accident you almost had. You nearly died out there and I keep thinking about it. Someday I want to marry and maybe have some children, and I don’t know how I could live with myself knowing that there’s the potential for me to leave them behind.”

“You’re leaving for a future you don’t have yet?”

“I’m leaving because I want to have the chance to have that future,” Phil corrected. “So, I’m going back to England and I’ll probably stay with my brother until I find a flatmate to move in with.”

Part of Dan wanted to offer to move with him and be his roommate, but that was too presumptuous. There was no indications that Phil would even want that and he would be leaving a good job for nothing. He needed to think with his upstairs brain for once, he needed to actually decide whether he was going to cope with his job as an astronaut before deciding anything concrete about the future. 

Still though, the thought of Phil moving away from him was terrifying as it meant that the only time he would have left with him would be that which they spent on the ISS, and those days were numbered. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed!!! :D find me here on [tumblr ](http://amczingphil.tumblr.com/)
> 
> [la vie en rose ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14392062)by legdabs  
> Summary: dan’s drunk, and maybe just a little bit smitten.


	14. day one hundred and eleven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much to @laddyplester for beta reading this chapter <3 ilysm

A shrill squeaking sound made itself known in the International Space Station, a squeaking that made Dan wince and cover his ears even though there was no point. The noise was able to penetrate through his palms and it seemed to bounce around inside his skull and set his teeth on edge.

"Alex!" Rosa shouted with an irritated huff. "Do you mind?"

"Not really," Alex said. "Do you?"

"Yes, that is the worst sound I've ever heard," Rosa said. "Why must you do that every day?"

"I'm just marking my calendar," Alex said, rolling their eyes as though the rest of the team was overreacting. "It's only thirty nine days until we return to Earth, that's crazy to think about."

Dan suddenly wished that Alex would go back to scribbling on their calendar with the sharpie, the awful noise was preferred to the ever present knowledge that it wasn't long until Dan would have to say goodbye to Phil. Finding out that Phil was planning to return to the UK after the mission had shaken Dan.

How could he say with complete surety that being an astronaut was his dream when Phil had done the same and decided to leave it behind. Surely a dream wasn’t something that could just be forgotten? It was meant to be a person’s life. Some people spent an entire lifetime trying to live their dream, and Dan was in the fortunate position where he was actually doing that at a young age.

Yet he was considering following in Phil’s footsteps, he was debating whether to abandon it all for a safer lifestyle, and it didn’t necessarily mean that he would have to completely quit working for NASA. He could take a safer job, one that wouldn't require him to leave the safety of gravity.

Thirty nine days. That was little over a month, Dan barely had any time to think about his future, not only that but he’d barely had any time to think about his relationship with Phil, or lack of one. Dan was pretty sure that he wanted something to happen between them, and maybe it would be doomed to fail, maybe they wouldn’t even last a week, maybe they would learn to hate each other again. All he knew was that he needed to know.

He couldn't spent the rest of his life wondering 'what if', he would always regret not knowing whether Phil returned his feelings or not.

"Do you have to scribble out the entire square?" Rosa asked in annoyance as the squeaking continued unrelentingly. "Just do what anyone else does and cross it out."

"No," Alex said with a petty sniff, sticking their chin in the air as though that was enough to prove Rosa wrong. "This is how I like to end my day. You read your book, Charlie acts like an idiot, Peter hides in his room and Dan and Phil do that sappy shit."

"Excuse me?" Dan asked. "What sappy shit?"

"Oh you know," Alex said. "You guys hide away in that compartment that has the huge window and stare at the Earth like emos while talking about your lives. It's sappy in an adorable, yet sickening way."

"It is not sappy," Dan said hotly.

"Rosa, isn't it sappy?" Alex asked.

"Don't drag me into this one," Rosa said, lifting her book up to cover her face. "I'm reading."

"You agree, don't you?" Dan asked.

"Fine, " Rosa said lowering her book so that it hit her thighs with a muted thump. "I don't think it's sappy, I think it's cheesy."

"Cheesy is just as bad as sappy," Dan insisted.

"Why?" Alex asked. "It's not a bad thing, you're just painting it as a bad thing because you think that the word sappy has negative connotations. It's only negative if you think of it that way."

Dan paused, considering Alex's words, "I suppose you have a point."

"I always have a point," Alex muttered. "It's just none of you idiots have enough brain cells to understand them. Thankfully, it seems that your brain cells have finally figured out the concept of mitosis."

"You know what?" Dan asked haughtily, but with a light smile showing that he was only teasing. "I think I'm going to go, I'm not here to be bullied by my teammates."

"Go?" Alex asked, cocking their eyebrow in a suggestive manner. "Go to Phil you mean?"

"Shut up," Dan mumbled. He couldn't help but feel a sense of guilt at the idea of people knowing that he had feelings for Phil, of course there was no way for Alex to actually  _ know _ but from the way they would make suggestive comments, Dan couldn't help but feel an impending paranoia that they knew more than they were letting on.

Alex's laughter followed Dan down the corridor and he tried his best to wish away the heat staining his cheeks before he made it to Phil and was asked endless questions about it.

Was it really sappy of him to want to spend time with Phil? Was he such an obvious love-sick idiot?

When Dan finally made it to the usual compartment that he would meet Phil in, he wasn't surprised to find the other man already there. He was reclined in zero gravity as though he were sitting on an invisible chair and his attention was lost to the world.

Dan wasn't sure what was running through Phil's mind, but whatever it was, it was enough to distract him from the obvious shuffling sound Dan had made as he pulled himself into the module.

In that moment, he would have given anything to be in possession of a camera so that he could take a picture of Phil's slightly sad yet soulful expression. He also wished that he could spend a moment looking through Phil's thoughts and learning all there was to know about him.

"I can practically hear the cogs turning," Dan said quietly, trying not to frighten Phil.

It didn't work.

Phil visibly jumped, his entire body drifting off slightly to the left from the movement, before he gripped onto the ceiling to prevent himself from moving any further.

"Dan," Phil yelped. The deep introspective look was gone from his face, replaced by the easy smile that Dan was so used to seeing. It made Dan wonder how much was really going on behind that easy smile and if he would ever truly understand the depths of Phil.

"Sorry, I wasn't trying to scare you this time," Dan admitted.

"This time," Phil repeated. "Glad I can prepare for my future heart failure."

Hearing the word 'future' fall from Phil's lips was strange and sent a thrill through Dan, before his brain reminded him to calm down because the future wasn't infinite.

For Dan and Phil the future was thirty nine days. It was far too short and yet it was the rest of their time together. Maybe in another universe they would have been able to spend their lives by each other’s side and they would have felt safe in the knowledge that they would always return home to their other half’s side.

But it wasn't another universe and Dan was far too aware of their numbered days filtering through his fingers as though he was holding a handful of dry sand and watching the grains fall to the ground.

"I'm not the only one lost in thought this evening it seems," Phil said, gently pressing Dan with his unspoken question.

"I guess it's just one of those nights," Dan said.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Phil asked.

"I don-" Dan paused and sucked in the air through his teeth, letting the faint whistling sound ground him in the moment. "I'm not sure if I can talk about it."

"Alright," Phil said slowly, looking deep in thought. "So let's talk about something else."

That was another reason Dan felt himself falling hard and fast for Phil; he didn't push things. When Dan indicated that he was uncomfortable in a situation, Phil was perfectly willing to step back and allow him time to come to terms with his thoughts without the pressure of sharing them.

"Talk about what?" Dan asked.

"I don't know," Phil admitted. "I was kinda hoping that you would come up with something."

"Alex thinks we're sappy," Dan blurted out before he could stop himself, and he wanted to cover his mouth with his hands and curse himself for saying it but it was too late.

"They do?" Phil asked with a small, mysterious smile.

"Yeah, apparently our need to sit and stare at the world while talking is very sappy, and when Rosa was asked, she said it wasn't sappy, it was cheesy."

"I mean..." Phil's voice trailed off into nothing.

"You agree with them." Dan said accusingly.

"Is it  a little sappy? Yes," Phil said. "Is that a bad thing? Not in the slightest."

"I'm not following," Dan admitted.

"There is nothing wrong with being a little sappy every now and then," Phil said. "Sappy is just a word, it's only negative if you allow it to be."

He was right. Of course, Phil always seemed to be ready to impart some wisdom onto Dan, it was as though he was decades older than his actual age and had more world knowledge than any one Dan had ever known.

"Maybe you're right," Dan said.

"Maybe?" Phil questioned with a playful smirk that made Dan's heart race in his chest and his palms become slick with sweat.

"I'm not feeding your ego, you do that for yourself more often than you should," Dan scoffed, hoping that he sounded nonchalant enough to hide the hoarseness in his voice from the sudden dry throat that Phil's presence had caused.

Phil laughed. A smooth, sultry sound that made Dan's fingers twitch with the urge to reach out and take his hand, "well, if you won't validate me then I guess I'll just have to do it myself."

"You don't need me to validate you," Dan said shaking his head slightly. "There isn't much I could give you that you don't already know."

"You are so much more wrong than you could ever know with that one," Phil said, and if Dan wasn't mistaken there was a bitter tinge to his tone.

"I am?" Dan asked. "How so?"

"It doesn't matter," Phil said.

"If it matters to you, then it matters to me too," Dan said before he could stop himself. Somehow Phil had an ability to render the verbal filter in his brain inactive, thoughts would fly through his mind at an alarming speed and spill out of his mouth in a word vomit before he could stop and analyse what he was saying.

Phil just sighed in response and Dan wanted to know what he was thinking, what was the reasoning behind that sigh.

"Phil?" Dan asked hesitantly after a few moments of silence. "Can I ask you something?"

"I mean you just did, but sure, go for it," Phil said, allowing Dan a flicker of insight into the less serious, joker that Dan had grown to know so well.

"How long are you going to be in America for before you move back to the UK?" Dan asked, afraid of the answer but needing to know.

"Not long," Phil admitted. "I think that as soon as all of the paperwork is submitted and we've been through all the debriefs I'll be on the first flight home."

"So quick?" Dan asked, his heart stuttering in his chest as though it was failing.

"They're speeding things up for me," Phil admitted. "It was going to take a few months but it turns out that my dad isn't doing so great. I got an email from my mum the other night, she says not to panic, but she wouldn't have told me if she wasn't worried. She usually waits until I get back to Earth so that I can 'focus on my job'."

"Shit," Dan said. "I'm so sorry."

"It's not your fault," Phil said with a shrug. "It's just life, and the chances are everything will be fine, but  _ if  _ it isn't then I know that I'd never forgive myself for not going back."

_ I wasn't apologising for your dad's ill health,  _ Dan thought to himself,  _ I was apologising because I was more upset about losing you than the risk of you losing your dad. That makes me an asshole, and I'm sorry. _

"It's been a good ride though," Phil said.

"Don't say that," Dan said without thinking.

"Why not?" Phil asked looking adorably confused, obviously thinking over his words as though looking for hidden meanings or offensive subtext.

"Because you make it sound like it's already over," Dan said.

Phil snorted out a bittersweet laugh, "I know, but don't you think that it feels like we're counting down to some sort of ending?"

"Like the ending of a story," Dan agreed. "One of those ones that grip you with every word and make you wish for a sequel just so that you can hold onto the people and feelings for a little longer."

Phil turned to look at Dan and the latter couldn't help but be struck by how seductive Phil's eyes looked in the dim lighting, his pupils blown wide like black holes sucking Dan in closer and he found that he didn't want to fight. He didn't want to resist the pull.

"It doesn't have to be the ending," Phil said softly.

"It doesn't?" Dan asked. "I'm pretty sure that there's no chance of us staying up here forever."

"I don't think either of us want that either," Phil said.

It was true to an extent, Dan found himself wishing he was back on safe ground, but at the same time he knew that he would stay in space even longer if it meant that he could stay with Phil.

"I think I-" Dan paused, was he really going to do it, admit his feelings to Phil? Confess everything? Was it even fair to lump all of that onto a guy who was going to be leaving for the UK in less than two months?

Maybe it wasn't fair, but Dan thought that he should allow Phil the opportunity to at least have a say in a potential future between the two of them.

"You think?" Phil prompted, with a knowing glint in his eye, a glint that scared Dan but wasn't enough to deter him.

"I'm sorry," Dan said. "I'm trying to figure out how to say this."

"Hey, Dan?" Another voice piped up from the doorway.

Phil froze in shock and Dan jumped back, putting some space between himself and Phil as though he was a child that had just been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He hadn't realised how small the space between them had gotten.

Charlie.

"Hey, Charlie," Phil said as though he hadn't just interrupted a pretty serious moment between the two of them. "Is everything alright?"

"Uh, yeah," he said, shooting glances between the two of them, bringing Dan's awareness to the fact that they were both sporting guilty expressions as though they had been up to no good. "Peter was looking for you Dan."

"Oh, right," Dan said without moving.

"He said it was, um, pretty urgent."

"Go," Phil prompted gently. "We can talk tomorrow night."

"Tomorrow night," Dan repeated. As if he would still have the confidence to talk then, he was afraid that if he didn't confess in that moment then he never would.

Maybe that was how things were meant be, maybe he wasn't supposed to confess anything, maybe he was destined to never know how things could have been.

Dan pulled himself towards the door, heading towards were Charlie was awkwardly waiting, and when he glanced back at Phil he felt a pang in his heart. It wasn't the last time he would be leaving him behind, so he should just get used to the feeling.

Maybe they would talk the next day, if Dan was able to build the courage for such a conversation again. Or maybe they would put the possibility to the back of their minds and pretend that it had never happened. 

Dan wasn’t sure which one he would prefer. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 45k and they're still pining oops don't kill me ahahaha
> 
> come find me on tumblr @amczingphil! ily guys thank you for reading


	15. day one hundred and seventeen

Dan rested his head against the thick glass of the window, the cold glass creating the illusion of brain freeze as it chilled his forehead. The uncomfortable iciness centered him and helped him to focus his thoughts as he stared out into nothingness with glassy eyes. Over the previous days, Dan had felt as though he had a swarm of wasps buzzing around inside his skull, it was like they were frantically searching for their nest but there was just no way to calm them or soothe them because it wasn't there.

He had been searching through his mind for a way to stop himself from constantly thinking about Phil, but the more he tried to get him out of his mind the tighter he seemed to cling on.

It had been days since Dan had almost confessed everything. He’d been so desperate to finally get his feelings out into the open and if it hadn't been for Charlie popping his nose in where it wasn’t wanted, things could have been completely different between him and Phil.

As much as he wanted a person to blame for the interruption, he supposed that it wasn’t really Charlie’s fault, after all he was just following orders.

After having been torn away from his near confession, Dan had been annoyed to discover that Peter had only wanted to know how the EVA report was coming along. Dan had grinned and bared it as though he hadn’t been on the brink of telling Phil everything that he’d been keeping tightly locked inside himself for so long.

It wasn’t fair, he had spent so much time trying to build up the confidence to actually admit to just  _ himself  _ that he had feelings for Phil and that there was more than just friendship between them.

After the unfortunate interruption, Dan had started to overthink things; his mind had spiraled in a dizzying array of thoughts that seemed to chase each other around in circles like racing greyhounds that all thought they were chasing the rabbit. All running hopefully towards something that was never getting any closer. In the end he had almost convinced himself that it was a sign from the universe. Maybe he wasn’t meant to confess anything, maybe his feelings were just meant to be a secret that he would have to hold onto forever, maybe he and Phil were meant to go their separate ways after the mission was over.

The thought of that being true was enough to cause splinters in Dan’s heart - faint fractures that would crack and cause a broken heart when the inevitable happened. Phil was going to break Dan’s heart, and there was nothing that he could or would do to stop that from happening.The pain would be worth it in the end. 

He couldn’t deny that when he looked at Phil he was able to picture the potential futures that they could have together.

He saw them with stable nine to five jobs and a shared mortgage, he saw them lying in bed together on a Saturday morning as the hours on the clock slipped into double digits and they bickered harmlessly about who would be the first to leave their cocoon of warmth to grab the post.

If he just closed his eyes he was there…

_ Warm sunlight filtered through the gap in the partially closed curtains, casting warmth onto Dan’s exposed back. He shifted and buried his face into Phil’s shoulder, feeling it shake with silent laughter as Dan’s breath tickled the other man’s neck. _

_ “G’morn’ng,” Dan mumbled, his voice muffled by Phil who somehow still managed to understand what it was he was saying. _

_ "Morning, Dan," Phil said, his voice low and gravelly, his drowsiness causing an ever so slight slur to his speech that Dan could only pick up on because he knew him so well. "We overslept." _

_ "Mhm," Dan mumbled wordlessly, burrowing his face further into Phil and ignoring the day's responsibilities. _

_ "Nope," Phil said shuffling away a little, but not enough to say that he really had intentions of getting up. _

_ A gentle silence fell over them as Dan snuggled himself back into Phil's side, every inhale was tinged with the comforting smell of his other half, and every exhale brought up goosebumps on his bare skin - a sign that he was just as affected by Dan’s presence as Dan was by his.  _

_ He would never get tired of lying beside him and listening to his steady breathing, trailing the tips of his fingers along his skin smiling when they left goosebumps in their wake. _

_ They had left space travel behind them, Phil taught at the university and Dan helped develop new spacecrafts, both of them unable to leave their days in the stars behind completely but preferring to maintain that link in a slightly safer fashion. _

"If we're already in space can I still say that your head is in the clouds?" a voice murmured in Dan's ear causing him to jump which elicited a low chuckle from the person who had spoken.

"How do you manage to creep up so quietly?" Dan asked, ignoring the question that Phil had asked in favour of  turning to stare into those painfully familiar blue eyes. Painful because he wasn’t allowed to look for too long without raising suspicion and breaking eye contact with him was harder than Dan could have ever imagined it would’ve been. 

And yet, how was it that simply looking into Phil’s eyes was enough for the tension to melt out from Dan's muscles.

"Well we are in space, it's hard to announce my presence with footsteps," Phil joked and Dan wanted nothing more than to pull him closer, he wanted to link his fingers together at the small of Phil's back, pulling him in so that they were standing flush together, chest to chest.

A finger trailed along Dan's cheek leaving a wake of pleasurable tingles behind and Dan had to physically stop his jaw from dropping as he realised that Phil had done  _ that _ . 

He had stroked Dan's cheek - he had made physical contact and Dan wanted more.

"You're very distracted today," Phil commented, his hand hovering in the air for a moment as though he wasn't sure what he should do with it. Finally he let it fall, Dan watched it as if it were moving in slow motion.

"I'm uh-" he coughed to clear his throat, and hoped that Phil didn't realise that it was his touch that had caused Dan's mouth to suddenly dry out. "I'm just thinking."

"Oh?" Phil asked, arching an eyebrow.

"It's nothing to worry about," Dan said.

"Do you want to share?" Phil asked him.

Yes, he did but there was no way it would be possible. If he shared what had been running through his mind at a million miles and hour there was every chance that he would send Phil running straight for the hills.

"I'm not sure I can," Dan said quietly.

"You know that you can tell me anything," Phil said, placing the same hand that had traced Dan's cheek onto his arm. His palm was hot through Dan's shirt sleeve and made butterflies flutter and swoop in his abdomen.

"Right," Dan said.

"But you're not going to," Phil answered for him. "It's alright, I won't force you to."

"You won't?" Dan asked, unable to conceal his shock.

"No, but-" Phil paused and swallowed, Dan watched him carefully as it seemed as though he wanted to say something important.

"But?"

"I need to say something," Phil said quietly. He was so close that Dan could feel his breath on his face. "You can stop me, at any moment."

Dan's breath hitched as Phil moved in close, closer than he had ever been before. It was almost too much for Dan to bear and he was tempted to pull away because his heart was racing so fast that it couldn't possibly be healthy. He couldn't though, not when he was close to getting everything he had ever wanted.

Phil's lips brushed against his own so gently that they felt more like the brush of a feather, and then he pulled back and looked into Dan's eyes, gauging his reaction.

Dan wondered what Phil was seeing when he looked at him. Was his face as flushed as it felt? Was his grin as dopey as his mind had gone from the effects of Phil's close proximity?

"Was that ok?" Phil asked, his voice nothing more than a whisper, as faint as the brush of his lips had been.

Dan's answer was immediate and surprising to both of them. His hands gripped onto the front of Phil's shirt and pulled him back, he wanted more than a brush. He wanted Phil.

Fortunately Phil's surprise didn’t stall him and his hands made their way to Dan's hair, the latter thought he would go insane, how was it possible to feel so strongly for another person? He wasn't sure where his body ended and Phil's began, the air around them felt hot and heavy and filled with a thousand unspoken words, but that was alright. They didn't need words to say how they were feeling, not when their actions were doing such a good job of it.

When Phil pulled away, Dan had to suppress the urge to follow after him.

"Well said." Dan said, his voice breaking halfway through bringing a smile to Phil's face.

"I thought so too," Phil said.

"How long...." Dan wondered.

"Have I been wanting to do that?" Phil asked, when Dan nodded he let out an embarrassed chuckle and threaded his fingers through Dan's. "Probably about two months now."

"Are you kidding me?" Dan asked. "I've been so stressed about whether or not to admit I like you and you’ve been waiting months to kiss me?"

"You like me?" Phil asked teasingly. "Like,  _ like  _ like?"

"Shut up," Dan grumbled trying to hide his smile.

"How about you make me?" Phil challenged.

That wasn't a fight Dan would pass up on, after all he could think of much better things for them to be doing with their mouths other than talking.

He wasn't sure how things would play out in the future, he wasn't sure what they would do about the distance and their careers, he wasn't sure if Phil wanted a relationship or a casual fling, but he was sure that there was time for them to think about that in the future. For the time being he would hold onto what he had and try not to worry about the things that were out of his control.

Besides, his brain couldn't focus on any of that as his thoughts were fuzzy and he was intoxicated by Phil's presence.

Every part of him surrounded Dan, his body, his smell, the sound of his low chuckle - hoarse with emotion. It still wasn't enough and Dan couldn’t get close enough to Phil, despite there only being a thin layer of their clothing between them. It was all so hot and intense, and Dan was sure that he would go insane. That was until their noses bumped together awkwardly causing a short, sharp jolt of pain to shoot up the bridge towards his forehead.

They broke apart, shyly glancing at each other through as their shoulders' shook with stifled laughter. It was strange for them to be so uncertain when they had, only moments ago, been pressed so closely together they could have been mistaken for being one person.

"So..." Dan trailed off, and swallowed to try and rid his voice of the embarrassing hoarseness.

"So?"

"Should we talk about this?" Dan asked, he let his hand hover awkwardly in the air for a few moments before letting it fall to his side. He had wanted to place it on Phil's forearm and trace soft patterns into the smooth skin there as they spoke about the future and the potential for them to continue to develop their relationship.

"Probably," Phil said, seemingly having no qualms about taking Dan's hand in his own.

Phil's palm was hot and slightly damp with sweat, that was reassuring - he was just as nervous as Dan was.

"So, talking," Dan said, hating that the responsible said of him was arguing with the carefree side that was screaming at him to shut up and just make the most of things as they were. "I'll be honest, I'm not really sure where to start."

"How about we start easy, where do you see this going?" Phil asked.

"Oh, uh," Dan cursed himself as his face flushed red. He felt like a schoolboy being confronted by his crush rather than an adult with years of relationship experience. Besides. that was not what Dan would have called starting easy.

It was just everything with Phil was new and different, Dan couldn't exactly identify what it was but something about Phil made him a blushing mess.

"Alright, that's a little extreme," Phil said after a moment.

"Just a bit."

"Why don't we put a pause on those questions and just take things a day at a time?" Phil asked.

"That sounds good," Dan said with a relieved smile. “What should we tell the others?”

“Let’s figure this out between the two of us before including them,” Phil said and Dan had to agree that he made sense to suggest that, “oh and one more thing.”

Phil leaned in close and Dan couldn’t help but grin into the next kiss.

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok i know it's been a while dont shoot me im sorry
> 
> due to circumstances i wont bore you with (but you can find on my tumblr if you want to know) i had to rename this account and also delete my tumblr and remake it. i'm now @amczingphil so hmu bbs


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